Home Movie

"Home Movie"! For "Home Movie" press one.

For "Happy Easter" press two.

What are you doing?

For a terrible "Thanksgiving," press three.

You're confusing our children.

For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.

I don't think so.

Aha!

Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.

Mmm, fire.

Fire.

My children have been turned into fire-breathing dragons.

It's your mother and she's in a horrible mood

and a birthday cake for you.

You're so scary.

Happy birthday-slash- Halloween, Jack and Emily

Happy birthday- slash-Halloween to...

Hmmm? Oh, yes, make a wish.

- Make a wish. - You guys ready?

Ready? Blow out the candles.

They're not blowing out.

Oh, she got them. Nope, they're still lit!

- Hey hey! - Jack!

Fire, Mmm...

Five four three two one.

Ready or not, here we come!

I'm not wearing mine either. I'll wear yours.

I'll wear yours. I

- Which way does it go? - Any way.

No, I'm not wearing it.

- Okay, I'm not wearing yours either. - Here.

- Hey, come here. - What are you doing?

Oh no, oh.

Good evening...

...and welcome to haunted ghost house sightings of...

ghosts.

They're down here.

Ah ha ha!

Honey, I think I know where they are.

- Where? - Hold the camera.

- Careful. - Baby...

if I don't make it back, I just want you to know how much I... whoa!

I'm all right... ouch!

Are you okay?

What is it?

Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.

Nice!

Okay, come on, guys.

- Game over. Mommy's tired. - Where are they?

Aha! We found them!

Okay, guys, come on. Turn off the flashlights.

Jack and Emily Poe.

Turn off the flashlights.

- It's not good for the camera. - Listen to your mom, guys.

- Come on. - Such cooperative children.

Turn off the flashlights or I'll turn off the camera.

That's better.

Oh, you got me.

Oh, you got me.

Did you just bite me?

Bringing the heat on.

Nice!

Fake out!

Now batting...

Number 31...

Jack... Poe...

centerfielder,

the Connecticut Cormorant.

All right.

Come on, you can do it!

Nice!

Aw, come on, Jack!

Whoop... oh!

Into the woods.

- Holy cow. - Oh, rats!

- Nice hit, son. - That was good!

Good job, baby.

Oh. Little help, hon?

- What? - Little help.

- What do you mean? - A little help!

- You want me to get it? - A little help.

- You get it. - Little help.

- My God. - A little help.

Do I have to do everything around here?

I'm the pitcher. My arm, my leg...

- they gotta relax and rest. - Your arm? My arm.

- Come on, hon. - I got it... okay.

Okay...

Yay. Oops, got some woods here.

Hurry up, hon!

I think I found some poison ivy.

Makes sense.

And I just saw a jackal... that's good.

Poison ivy, more snakes

and a jackal.

I'm, like, so glad we just moved

to the middle of nowhere.

Hey, Em!

Have you seen your dad's ball?

Okay, well, um...

I'm gonna go look over here.

I thought you said you didn't see it.

Listen, how about I shoot your guys's clubhouse, huh?

That might be cool for you guys to look back at when you're older, right?

"No parents allowed." Hmm.

Is that all parents or is that just me and your dad?

Ah. Okay.

Well...

I'm gonna go watch the game.

Do you want to come?

You can ride in the wagon.

Are you playing dead?

Again, right here.

It's going right there.

I love the zoom on this.

Zoom!

Oh, big swing and a miss.

The big fella... notice the form though?

- Very nice. - See that?

Make a smiley face.

Good job.

- I'll take that. I'll take that. - Whoa!

High-five, put it there. All right, thank you.

Come on, Em! Give your dad a hand!

- Yeah! - Home run.

Whoo! Good, baby, good.

Watch this guy.

One more, one more, one more.

- Whoop! - What was that, a rock?

What?

What? What's the matter?

- We're done. - What happened?

- He's throwing rocks at me. - What?!

Du-duh!

Du-duh! Du-duh! Du-duh!

Du-duh! Du-duh! Du-duh!

Today we're going to learn about the ancient art of raking.

Raking was first discovered

by a Chinese mountain task force in 1802.

My lovely assistant Jack Poe

is raking today because he's being punished for throwing

a rock at his dad's head.

What you got, Jack?

A dead bug.

This is where we employ the notorious garbage bag technique.

And there you have it, kids. That's our lesson for today:

Dead things go in trash bags.

Love is in the air, can you feel it?

Hmmm? Yes?

Don't let me keep you up. Okay.

It's Friday, November 9th, 10:30 PM.

It's Clare and I's 10th wedding anniversary...

and I'm gonna go attempt a most dangerous stunt.

But before I go, in case I don't come back,

Jack, I want you to know how much I love you.

And, Emily, I love you very very much too.

So, um, well...

this stunt is most dangerous.

I wouldn't have anybody, uh, attempt it

if you're amateur or if you're faint of heart.

I'm gonna go try and jump

all 206 of my wife's bones.

Okay, bye. Wish me luck.

Oh... shit!

Great. Give me this.

Happy anniversary.

You better not have the camera in here!

I don't have the camera in here. What do you think I am, a pervert?

Yeah!

"'The Mask of Sanity, ' by Hervey M Cleckley."

Some people have booze. My wife has books.

- Ah... come here. - No!

- Cheese plate? - That's a cheese plate?

- Yes, and that's a box of wine. - I'm not drinking wine

- that comes out of a box. - Kiss me, elitist.

I am not an elitist.

Come on, I just moved our family here

to the middle of the woods six months ago.

- I'm not an elitist. - You're an elitist.

Kiss me, elitist.

Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.

- Are you seducing me? - Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.

Well, um, it's too bad for you.

I can't have sex right now because I have a lot of work to do.

- You always have work to do. - Yeah, so we have money to spend.

- Right. - Money to spend .

Isn't this how the Paris Hilton video got started?

No, I think it was...

Oh, you... bastard!

Oh, where's my towel?!

Oh! You are dead!

- You are so bad. - Bad...

do you mean like "bad good" or "bad bad"?

I mean like bad, nasty, evil bad.

You're supposed to be a pastor, you know.

Yeah, I'm Lutheran, not a Catholic.

Well, I am a doctor, not a whore.

Say happy anniversary...

- to the camera, will you? - No.

So we have something to remember when we're old,