South Park

- Hi, I'm Trey Parker. - And I'm Matt Stone.

And we're Trey Parker and Matt Stone,

and this is "Terrance and Phillip: Not Without My Anus,"

which is our favorite episode, and it really is.

I know we always say that,

but this one really is our favorite episode.

This, uh... we did this show last year.

It aired on April Fools' Day,

and it was supposed to be an April Fools' joke, and...

What are you doing?

I'm doing a... you know, the MTV stuff.

- Don't do that. - You know... come on.

Don't do... no, don't do that.

- All right. - Just sit there.

It aired on April Fools' Day.

We'd set up the end of season one with a cliffhanger

about who Cartman's dad was.

You had to tune in to find out who Cartman's dad was,

and it was April 1st,

so instead of telling you who Cartman's dad was,

we aired an entire Terrance and Phillip episode,

which we thought was hilarious,

but it didn't go over very well.

- Most of America hated it, yeah. - Everyone hated it.

And they... 'cause they... they were like,

"Well, who's Cartman's dad? Who's Cartman's dad?"

And everyone sat through this episode waiting to see

who Cartman's dad was and didn't get to really

experience the beauty and the...

the awesomeness of this episode,

and so we're really glad that it's out on video

so now people can enjoy it for what it is.

We're very glad this episode is out on video.

Because now everyone can see

what a brilliant piece of work it is.

So enjoy "Terrance and Phillip: Not Without My Anus."

Since the last "South Park," you've waited four long weeks

to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is.

Now finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage

will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you

the following special presentation.

Now get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,

Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week.

Ladies and gentlemen,

before you today sits a murderer.

On the night in question,

this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer

and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer.

That monster is sitting right over there

and his name is Terrance!

Terrance, you farted in court.

Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.

All of these things link Terrance to the murder.

Hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings,

a piece of his shirt,

a watch with his initials on it.

A day planner with the murder scheduled.

A haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer".

"Dr. O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in

with my new hammer."

Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon,

but you're not God!

J'accuse, Terrance.

Would you like a "monkey claw", Phillip?

Yes, please.

That's called the "monkey claw"

because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart

by a thousand monkeys.

The "monkey claw" is smelly.

Come on, get a move on.

I ain't getting any younger up here.

My sentiments exactly, Your Honor.

I see from your accent that you're southern Canadian.

That is correct.

Good people of the jury, my client, Terrance,

is an innocent man.

Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!

I have, haven't I, Terrance?

Your Honor,

the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court.

They think that farts are funny, but they're not!

Sustained.

Good people of the jury, my client Terrance

is no more a murderer than you or me.

He loves puppies and hates mean things.

Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?

Of course not.

So in summation, find Terrance innocent,

or else he'll kill you.

Just kidding.

The defense rests.

God damn it, that isn't funny.

Madam foreperson, have you reached a verdict

so we can get the hell out of here?

We have, your honor. We have found Terrance

in the above entitled action of murder

against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer...

You're gonna have to repeat that verdict

because we had some flatulence issues.

I said, we find...

We find Terrance...

not guilty!

Did you hear that, Terrance?

You're not guilty!

Oh, Phillip, you've saved me from the gas chamber!

Oh, no!

That sure was fun, Phillip.

Let's go home and eat kroff dinner.

Here, here.

Well, looks like you got away with it,

Terrance and Phillip.

Oh, hello, Scott.

No hard feelings, right, old pal?

There are hard feelings. This isn't over!

I'm gonna see to it

that you both pay for what you've done!

And do you know why?

'Cause you're a dick?

No, because I hate you.

You think farting is so funny. Well, it isn't!

Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy,

and if I...

Oh, I hate you both!

I've hated you ever since I can remember.

I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Cancer?

Yes, in the head.

Head cancer?

This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip.

You'll rue this day.

Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

But we're not gay, Phillip.

We're not?

Well, let us board the subway and return home.

There we can eat kroff dinner.

Yes, it's been a long day

and only kroff dinner can calm my nerves.

Say, Phillip, why does Scott

always try to convict me of murder?

He does it every week.

He sure does seem to hate us.

I wonder what he'll try to do next.

God only knows.

The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.

It sure is. Let's look for treasure.

Yes, let's look for treasure.

Hello?

Hello. Is this Scott from Canada?

Yes, yes, it is.

You're a journalist, right?

Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.

I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.

Yes, yes, I do.

They think fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy,

but they're not.

Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them

once and for all?

Who is this?

Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you

if you help me.

Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.

Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?

Hey, relax, guy, I'm just your average Joe.

Take a rest!

What do you want?

You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada.

I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada.

That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it?

Super, let's get started.

I'm not sure I should trust you.

Hey, relax, guy, trust me.

Well, it's too bad we didn't find any treasure

on the subway, Phillip.

Oh, hello, Ugly Bob.

Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.

My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.

How come you guys say stuff like that?

Because you're Goddamned ugly, Bob.

I know, but...

Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried

to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.

I can't help how I look.

Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters,

it's what's on the inside.

No, it isn't.

Want to see what's on the inside of me?

Wait, wait, I've got an idea!

Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?

Yes, if people can't see your face,

they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.

Really? Hey, thanks, you guys.

Maybe now I can score with chicks.

Sure you can, Ugly Bob.