Azeem Banatwalla: Cometh The Hour

See I don't understand this.

Why do all comics want to put this pre-film in their stand-up special?

Just start the show!

Nobody wants to listen to you sitting and doing bak bak all the time!

I'll tell you what the problem is...

All these comics, they're narcissistic people.

They just want attention on them all the time.

Hello, excuse me. Please focus, focus.

But I am not that guy!

I don't want to waste your time, so I am going to start this show right now.

Hello!

So!

What's happening, Mumbai?

How are you guys doing? Are you guys feeling okay?

Happy to be in Mumbai?

Not particularly, traffic, okay...

But I've been travelling quite a lot in the course of this tour.

I've been to many countries.

I went to Singapore recently, Malaysia, went to Thailand...

He's crossing his legs already.

Wow!

But Thailand, is just packaged as this vortex of sexual energy, right?

Everyone in Thailand is having sex.

You open the cupboard in your hotel room,

there's two people having sex.

“Why you disturb us, go away!”

It's great fun but Indian men specifically get very excited about Thailand.

Any time as an Indian man, you tell your friends, you're going to Thailand.

They get very excited.

They're like, "Bro!

Brooo!

Broooooo!

Bangkok bro!

Hot chicks bro, hot chicks."

I went to Thailand and I found out this is a lie.

Listen, half of them are not hot

and the other half aren't chicks.

So fuck off!

It's terrible.

But I do enjoy travelling, I love travelling abroad by air.

It's a very luxurious experience.

Even in our airports we have these technological imports from the west.

These things called travelators.

You guys know what travelators are?

Human conveyor belts.

What purpose do they serve?

You get on a travelator,

walk ten percent faster than the guy who is not on the travelator.

“Screw you, walking slowly bastard. Haha.”

Fat people get on and they're like, "Aha, this is what jogging feels like!"

It's nice.

And when you think about it, travelators, what are they?

They are escalators with no ambition.

You can imagine the travelator's father saying,

“Look at Mr. Sharma's escalator.

See the heights he has scaled!

Works in a mall now."

I've realised, Indian men have no respect for air hostesses.

I've realised this.

I was on a flight recently and there was this uncle sitting next to me.

He calls the air hostess. She's like, "Yes sir, what can I get you?"

"Food! Get food!"

"Sir, veg, non-veg, what do you want?"

"Both! Get both!"

He called her again, "Yes sir, what can I get you?"

He's like, "Booze, get booze!"

"Sir, wine, whiskey?"

"Both! Get both!"

I was like what is this behaviour?

I thought the next time he'll call, he'll just say,

"Dance now, dance!

Dance bitch!"

Even then she'll be like,

"Yes sir, Salsa or Mujra? What would you prefer, sir?"

"Both, get both!"

But every time you are travelling by air in this country,

you will always find this one bunch of Indian idiots.

Who are travelling by air for the first time.

And you can tell that this is the case,

because they take photographs of everything.

"Hey suitcase, suitcase. Take a photo!"

While going through security, "Hey, frisking frisking."

They see an air hostess, "Hey item, item. Take a photo!"

The air hostess is like, "Sir, please let go of my boob."

"No, both, get both!"

But if there is one thing that unites us as a species...

it is the fact that we hate babies on planes.

I think we can all agree on this?

I was on a flight, few months ago. Five babies on a same flight.

One here, one here, one here.

It's like this 5.1 Dolbaby digital surround sound.

That does not deserve that.

And after a point, even the parents stop giving a shit.

They're like,

"You cry asshole. I'm done with this, fuck it.

Airhostess, both. Take both!"

Take it and go.

But it was on this five baby flight, where I had this epiphany.

Where I realised that the only reason why airplane windows are sealed shut...

is that you can't take the baby

and just throw it the fuck out of the plane!

Would be amazing, can you imagine that.

"Waaah! Poof!"

Bye!

If you are flying over Africa, there'll be African tribals down there going...

"Simba?

What the fuck? We have no money to feed you.

We'll have to put you up for adoption."

Then Angelina Jolie walks in.

"Did you say adoption? Give!"

It's fun.

I end up travelling quite a lot in this profession.

I stay in different varieties of hotel rooms.

I have a bit of a problem with five-star hotel rooms though.

Two problems. Number one, I cannot afford them.

And you'd think right?

You pay ten thousand rupees for a five-star hotel room,

you would think everything is taken care of within that.

It's not!

Everything in that room is chargeable.

You touch one packet of peanuts, a guy appears out of the ground,

"Yes sir. Two thousand rupees!"

Everything's chargeable except

for that one bottle of mineral water.

And even about that, the hotels, they are assholes.

They put a tag on the bottle.

Which says, "With our compliments.”

“We got this bro, we got this.

Ten grand for the room, ten bucks for the bottle. You chill, we got this."

And what does with our compliments even mean?

What? You open the bottle and a guy comes, "Yes, sir. You've lost weight.

Your skin is glowing, sir.

Would you like more compliments?"

But it makes sense to tell us that the bottle of water is free

because listen, we are Indians.

Unless you explicitly tell us that something in a five-star is free,

we will not touch it.

If there was an Indian version of that movie, 127 Hours,

it would be a story of a Sindhi man who got locked in his hotel room...

almost died of dehydration.

Because he was like, "I'm not paying tax on this water. Fuck it.

I am drinking my own urine now."

The guy from the hotel comes, "No sir, drink our urine with our compliments."

Second problem I have with five-star hotels.

You go to a five-star hotel in India, which has Indian people using it.

Go into the bathroom, sit on the toilet seat.

You get done with your business. Your hand reaches to your right.

And nothing.

No jet spray, fucking toilet paper.

And you sit in that seat in that moment feeling so betrayed.

Thinking, “You bastards...

The ONE place, where you should've put water with your compliments!”

It's terrible.

But no, it's good to see you guys out here.

It's good to see you guys laughing.

There is a great statistic about laughing which says that, every time you laugh,

it extends your life by two minutes.

What a load of bullshit!

Try telling that to Sidhu, when he is about to die, really!

But we like to do this.

We like to take facts and back them up with statistics.

People say “Don't smoke man.

Every time you smoke, it reduces your life by five minutes”

And I'm like, "Cool.

But how do you check?"

Like is there some HR department in heaven

that has a guy with a calculator, who's going,

"Minus five.

Minus five. What are you doing with your life?"

And if laughing does extend your life by two minutes,

it does makes Yamraj, the Grim Reaper's job very difficult.

He goes to an old man who is about to die like,

"Come bloody old man, time's up. Let's go."

Not very polite these days.

At that exact moment, the old man is like...

"Yea okay, we'll wait for two minutes."

"Four minutes."

"Bro, just have a cigarette man. We've got a schedule to keep!"

I love being in Bombay.

Bongay, apparently.

Bongay!

But I love being in this city.

I've lived here all my life.

I bought a car recently.

And I've realised Bombay is one of the most unique cities

in the world to drive in.

Because it is the only city in the world where along with memorising directions,

you also have to memorise potholes.

Like you need to know. There is so much chaos!

There's a pothole here, three beggars there.

You need to know...

It happens.

And if somehow the BMC fills up a pothole, you get confused.

Am I going the right way? I don't know where I live anymore!

And I don't know if this happens to you guys but whenever I'm driving

and I see a police car on the road, I start to feel guilty.

For no reason.

Like they are going to arrest me for having a face.

I don't know why.

And it's not just me, you'll always see this on a highway,