Ninjababy

INGRID'S ROOM - ALWAYS TIDY

TOILET (ALWAYS BACKED UP)

RAKEL'S TRASH-O-RAMA 1000 HOPELESS PROJECTS

Hi, Rakel.

What's up?

What are you thinking about?

Sperm.

That shit sucks.

Are you coming?

Yeah.

Rakel!

I'm coming. I need some clothes.

Can't do it nude.

I'll be quicker than lightning.

Just need this last...

No.

No, it's not like that.

It's more like yoga.

Rakel, don't!

What happened to your tits?

They're a lot bigger.

- They're not. - They are.

Yum!

Well, I don't know. I've just put on some weight.

Okay, come on.

Hey, wait. Ingrid. Dammit, wait!

Stay centered.

Onegaishimasu .

What's this?

This isn't yoga. It's wrestling.

No, it's self-defence.

That's right, self-defence. "Wrestling" gives people the wrong idea.

Just, it's all arms and legs here.

When are we gonna fight with staffs?

Well, we don't call it "fighting", but we'll get to the staffs later.

Right.

Good work, everyone.

I see progress.

In all of you.

We're going to look at ukemi .

The art of falling.

There's something beautiful

about turning a situation where you're about to fall down

to gracefully getting back on your feet,

gaining the upper hand.

Both in life and on the mat.

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

I think I've had sex with him.

Remember that guy I fucked because he smelled nice?

The guy who smelled like butter?

No!

Then there's the tenkan that goes around back here...

- Yes? - Like...

Donatello in Turtles, you know, he fights with a staff and so on.

Technically, Donatello doesn't do aikido.

He uses a bo staff, we use a jo staff.

So that's the difference between aikido and Donatello.

Okay, find a partner.

One step closer.

Put your arm under here, and...

Great!

Very nice. Very nice.

Come on.

There. Oops!

Right now you're going downward. Visualise going forward.

Use the momentum in the fall to move forward and up.

Look, if you... Do it one more time.

When Ingrid comes around there. Here.

You need to put the back foot ahead of the other one.

So that you move forward.

- Okay? - Yeah.

As soon as you go forward, get back up.

Ready, get set, go.

Yeah, perfect. We're there.

- Right. - Hallelujah!

Great.

- One more time. - My turn.

Ready?

Good. Down.

- There we are. - That's it!

- Jeez, are you okay? - I'm fine. It's okay.

I just have to...

He didn't do it on purpose.

Nah.

No, he didn't.

Bye!

Okay, let's go.

You go ahead.

I have to take a dump. You're stressing me out.

My asshole gets tight like...

- See you at home. - Yeah.

Hello!

Anyone here? Everything alright?

Yes, I'm fine.

Sorry to interrupt, but I have to lock up.

Right.

I'll hurry up.

Good.

Hi.

What is it?

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

There's nothing...

Just, if someone does drugs in there, I have to report it.

It's okay. Relax. I haven't...

- I haven't done any drugs. - No, of course not.

Good. I mean...

I haven't even taken a poo.

I thought I had to poo because my stomach was all weird, but nothing happened.

Shit, I just said "poo" twice.

Thanks a lot.

That's okay.

Yes! Yes!

- I have to lock up. - Right. I just have to...

Yes! Yes! Right there!

I just have to get my phone!

There!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I can drive you home if you like.

It's okay.

It's not a problem.

It's okay. I'll...

Just walk.

- Where did you go? - I told you, I had to poo.

You spend a lot of time on the can.

Yeah, but nothing happens.

Constipation. Eat prunes.

I poo every morning. But then...

I just feel bloated all day.

Jeez. I'm chucking this out.

No! No, why?

Like, it smells awful.

No. I made it yesterday.

It's hummus. It stays good for days.

Smell it.

- Well? - You pregnant or something?

No.

Crazy sense of smell.

Bigger tits. Bellyache. Drinking three litres of tropical nectar a day.

You didn't use to like it.

Sure I did.

Do you have to drink from the box?

I'm not sick.

- Did you really sleep with Aikido-Mos? - It was so awkward.

He had to throw me out of the gym. I spent ages in the loo.

- Did he come inside you? - Come on!

I'm not pregnant.

Ingrid, he used a condom and I'm on the pill.

I've just put on some weight, and I have a good sense of smell.

Loads of sugar in tropical nectar.

Sticks to your hips.

Worth it.

You should get off the pill.

Fucks up the hormone balance.

You don't have that much sex.

I don't take it for sex.

It's so I can skip my period.

You don't know if you've had your period?

I haven't had my period since Liseberg.

That's six months ago.

Yes.

But you buy pads.

Sure, there's a bit.

Some brown drops.

But rarely.

You got preggo tests in your room?

How come?

Pee on the goddamn stick.

5 THINGS RAKEL WANTS TO BE

BEER TASTER

FOREST RANGER

COMIC ARTIST

No!

Thanks. Bye.

I can come in on Thursday at nine.

- Can you come with me? - I'm going to Trondheim.

I'll be back next Wednesday.

Then I can go with you.

Get it done. Get it out.

Aikido-Mos must have pretty good sperm

to blast through both condoms and pills.

Probably because he made me come like hell.

I came... Beyond, like.

No way!

What?

You came? From one night stand sex, shitfaced?

With Mos?

Well, he was really on the ball.

Are you gonna tell him?

Guess I have to.

- Hi! - Hi.

Hi.

- Am I interrupting anything? - No.

The thing is, I tried to look up your phone number.

Then...

Your address came up.

And I was like... just around the corner.

So I thought I might as well just...

I wanted to ask you after the aikido lesson, but...