Michael Che: Shame the Devil

Whoa, what's up, Oakland?

Please, please, please.

Thank you.

Oh.

This is exciting.

Yeah!

Thank you so much. Thank you for coming to this.

And I really appreciate it.

This is gonna be fun. I had to do this special in Oakland.

Oakland is one of my favorite cities in the world.

-It's like-- It is. It is. -

It's a very unique city.

It's the one place where you can get stock tips from a pimp.

The whole bay is dope.

I didn't wanna tape in San Francisco.

Nothing against San Francisco, just a little too whimsy for me.

You know what I mean? It's just too-- There's just too much hope.

I didn't think my jokes would do well there.

When a parent says, "You can be anything you wanna be,"

I feel like that sentence should end with, "In San Francisco."

You wanna open a bakery, but you only make cupcakes?

You can be anything you wanna be...

in San Francisco.

You wanna smoke crack in front of the library?

Oh, you know that guy?

There's so much to talk about. This is my first special in five years. I--

I got so much on my mind, man.

You ever see a homeless guy with a dick so big, you stop feeling sorry for him?

You could be whatever you wanna be...

...in San Francisco.

I saw that recently. I did see a homeless guy--

Uh, a gentleman. I don't know what you call him, but...

His dick was so big that I started to think maybe that's why he was homeless.

Maybe he went through life with too much confidence.

People warned him, "Get a better job or you'll lose everything."

He's like, "Job? I don't need money.

I got a big-ass dick. I'll be fine.

Just whip this shit out in CVS.

See where it takes me."

That sounds like just a gross dick joke, but, you know...

Maybe it's insight into the fragile male ego. Okay, now it's smart.

It's true. A gainfully employed man can see a homeless guy with a giant penis

and be like, "Lucky motherfucker."

"Some dudes just get all the breaks, I guess."

I don't know why men are so obsessed with their dicks. It's funny.

Every man here knows what I'm talking about.

Every dude here has measured his dick, and I don't mean just with a ruler.

Anything that could be the shape of a dick.

Hairbrush, shampoo bottle.

Ladies, if you go in the bathroom and see the remote control in there.

You're like, "Why is the remote in here?"

'Cause we gotta get scale.

Women don't measure their genitals.

Either because you're smarter or you haven't figured out how yet.

What would you do? Fill it with water and stand over a bucket?

-"I got two cups of pussy." Ew. -

"Two cups of pussy" sounds like a Megan Thee Stallion song.

Two cups of pussy.

I like Megan Thee Stallion, but... I did not understand "WAP."

Like, wet-ass pussy? All the time? For real?

You got, like, a condition?

"That's right. My pussy's wet all the time.

Funerals, birthday parties.

Court."

Men are obsessed with their dicks.

I've been trying to figure that shit out my entire life. Why?

It's not because women like them. We'd prefer if you didn't like it.

You don't believe me? Go home. Go home. Tell your boyfriend one day.

If you're watching this at home, go to your boyfriend and say, "I'm leaving

'cause your dick is way too big.

I hate having sex with you.

I need a much smaller man."

He's gonna smile and say, "You gotta do what you gotta do.

This ain't going to ever change."

I think men know that women like big dicks,

but we just don't know how big is too big.

So we think the number's infinity.

It can't be infinity. At some point, it's too much, right?

At some point, you're standing in front of a vending machine with a $100 bill.

They're like, "It's nice, but it ain't going in.

I sure wish I had a five on me now."

This is weird, seeing you in your masks, but this audience is fully vaxed.

Uh, I don't really--

I don't have a strong stance on whether you wanna be vaxed.

I asked for it to be fully vaxed because I wanted the audience

to understand my jokes.

That doesn't make sense. I just talked for 15 minutes about homeless-guy dicks.

I'm pandering.

I'm with you, though, I wear my mask.

If I wasn't performing, I'd have mine on.

I started wearing mine when they said, "We don't need masks anymore."

I was like, "I want my mask."

Remember? "We don't need masks this summer." I was like, "Uh, no, we do."

I'm serious.

When they first said we needed those masks,

I was like, "Fuck the mask. That mask can't work."

Then they're like, "We don't need masks." "I want my mask."

It's like when a girl says "You don't need a condom." "I need two condoms."

"I never wanted a condom more until you said that nasty shit."

That's right. You better be vaccinated if you wanna come to my show.

You got to be vaccinated. Get one of the three--

Everybody's gotta be vaccinated, or, you know, get one of them cards.

That's the rule. Get vaccinated, or, you know, a card.

Just some card stock in a printer.

Anything will do. We're not looking. Don't laminate it. Doesn't matter.

That's our defense.

I'm trying to get my mother to get the vaccine. She's scared.

Well, it's not her fault. Her neighbor got the vaccine, and he died three days later.

He got hit by a truck.

She thinks the vaccine is unlucky.

I got the vaccine, but I'm still skeptical. I don't know.

Is anybody skeptical? Does anybody feel safer?

They make us feel stupid for being skeptical. I took it, but I don't know.

You know why I was skeptical? Because the vaccine was free.

I was like, I don't know about that shit.

Free medicine in America? Uh...

Since when?

If the vaccine was $3000, I'd be like, "That sounds right.

They trying to keep rich niggas alive. I get it."

But free? That just sounds like a setup.

I grew up in public housing, you know...

I remember what the government gives you for free. It's not usually their best.

I don't know if you've tasted their cheese.

I wouldn't trust them with vaccines after that.

I asked my doctor. I want the vaccine, but give me the one that costs some money.

He was like, "What?" I was like, "Give me the fucking... The real one.

I don't want that free shit.

Give me the $3000 one."

He was like, "They're all the same." Okay, but which one are you gonna give Rihanna?

She's important.

You tell me to trust science. I don't know science.

I trust history.

History says, if this was any good, you'd be charging us for it.

I took that COVID serious. I stayed in for the first three months.

I didn't go nowhere. I didn't protest. I didn't even loot.

I really needed some shit too. I didn't loot.

I wanted to be a part of that. I did not loot.

It's embarrassing! I gotta tell my grandkids about that.

Greatest time to be alive as a Black man, I didn't get in on it.

Imagine asking your grandpa, "What was it like marching in Selma?"

He's like, "There was a nasty flu that summer, so...

I stayed home because of germs."

"My grandfather was a bitch-ass nigga, man."

Fucking coon.

I had to watch all the looting and protesting on TV.