8 Simple Rules

Bridget you've been in there for an hour

You're not the only one who has to be at school!

I'm sorry, Kerry, I am student body president now,

and leadership starts from the hair down.

Ugh, I don't believe you! You're so selfish!

Well, at least I'm still a virgin.

What does that have to do with anything?

God, you are such a twit!

At least I'm still a virgin.

Stop saying that! Mom might hear you!

You're right. I'm sorry.

Seriously, what are you doing in there that takes so long?

Virgin stuff.

Will you guys stop saying the word "Virgin"?

You heard that?

From the basement.

There's certain words my ear is acutely attuned to hearing.

"Virgin" is one of them.

Hmm, actually, it's the only one.

How about "Beat it," "Leave," and "Get out"?

Nope, not getting anything.

Anyway, I'm just saying

unless you want the whole world to know

what Kerry did on her "Summer vaca"

I'd dial it down a notch.

-Virgin. -Playing with fire!

Don't you think it's about time you got ready for school?

Grandpa, you don't have to get rid of me.

There's no prize in this box.

I'm just saying it's getting late.

I don't want to go.

There's this bully at school, Pete Schiller --

"Killer Schiller."

He said if I showed up, he'd punch my lights out.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Why, you think he's all talk?

No, getting knocked out is like going to sleep.

Are you gonna eat the toast?

You try to steal our newspaper again,

you'll wind up in the "obit" section,

you got that?!

Ba-dow, how do you like me now?!

Hey, little Hefner, what's with the pjs?

He's afraid of some bully at school.

Oh; You see how I talked to that neighbor?

A punk like that gets in your face,

you bring the pain.

You rain it down on his world.

That "punk" is four years old!

Yeah, but he's as big as a 6-year-old.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Rory, go get dressed.

We have to leave in five minutes.

What's the hurry?

I got to get there early to talk to principal Gibb.

What'd Bridget do wrong this time?

Nobody did anything wrong.

The principal wants to talk to me about a job.

The school nurse is retiring and he wants me to take her place.

The school nurse? -Yep.

At our school? -That's right.

Seriously, mom, what did I do wrong?

All right, what are you two talking about?

Nothing.

Well, you're obviously talking about something.

They think you only the nurse's job so you can spy on them.

Kerry's afraid I'll tell you,

but Bridget doesn't think I can hear them.

Oww!

Can you hear me now?

So, you think I want to take this job

so I can pry into your lives?

Oh, come on, mom.

It's pretty obvious from the way you grill us after school.

Yeah, you mean like when I say, "How was school today?"

So, you admit it.

Look, here's the deal.

I am tired of working nights at the hospital.

And I promise,

if I take this job, I will respect your privacy.

Well, I guess it wouldn't be too embarrassing

to have you there.

As long as you'd never come out of your office.

-And wear a wig. -And change your last name.

You make it sound like I'm a three-headed freak.

As far as moms go, I think I'm pretty hip.

Uh, hello! "Hip" is a body part.

Come on, now, I listen to you girls talk.

I know some of that lingo.

I'm "With it." I am "Down with the program."

Oh, my God!

-What? -Just stop the vehicle!

Well, this isn't your school.

Well, it is now. We're transferring.

You saw that she hit me, right?

Ed?

Ed, are you in there?

Cate, come in. Come in.

Thank you so much for coming in so early.

As you know, I-I-I'm very busy and...

Were you taking a nap?

What?! Wh--why would you ask me that?

Well, your eyes are puffy and the blinds are drawn...

And there's a pillow on your desk.

Well, don't jump to conclusions.

There's a simple explanation for...

All right, yes, I-I was napping.

I've given up coffee,

and I'm having a really tough time of it.

I went cold Turkey.

Yeah, I did that once. It made me so cranky.

Well, we're talking about me right now, okay?!

I'm sorry. Have a seat.

So, uh; Have you had a chance

to give some thought to my offer?

Well, actually, I'm very interested.

Uh, my children aren't exactly thrilled.

They have this crazy idea that I might embarrass them.

Oh, well, they'll get over that.

I've seen you them with you.

They trust you and they admire you.

So, I'm like the only candidate you have?

Basically, yes.

And here's the deal.

Your kids are gonna be embarrassed by you

no matter what you do,

so why don't you make the choice that's best for you.

In the long run, that'll be best for the entire family.

Well...

All right. I'll take the job.

You will? -Yeah Fantastic! -Ha, ha!

Oh!

Welcome aboard!

Oh...

Oh!

This isn't-

It's not gonna be uncomfortable between us?

No. No. Absolutely not.

I promise you're gonna be like one of the guys.

Ow.

I'm sorry.

I'm really not myself these days.

Margie, coffee, now!

You're gonna love it here. We're like family.

This is Bridget hennessy, student body president,

with today's announcements.

The Ultimate Frisbee Club will be practicing

from 3:00 to 4:30 on the north lawn.

Remember: If a dog can do it, it's not a real sport.

On another note,

the Metaphysics Club is meeting tomorrow,

or, are they?

What does that mean?

Hey, Kyle.

Hey...

See? We can be friends.

And you thought breaking up was gonna be awkward.

I'm sorry.

I just haven't had a chance to take this down.

Okay, now this is awkward.

In other news,

don't forget ...Friday is school picture day,

so anyone who's having any embarrassing complexion issues

might want to take extra care this week.

You know who you are.

Finally, there is no truth to the rumor me and Jenna sharpe

are wearing the same skirt today.

Mine is a size smaller and looks way cuter.

You forgot to mention Art Fair, again.

Oh, sorry.

There's an 'Art Fair'... Like anybody cares.

Hi, girls!

Schiller: Hennessy, I'm gonna pound you!

Uh, Rory, what's going on? -Nothing...

Mom

Well, now that you're all here,

might as well tell you.

I'm taking the job.

You're gonna be here every day?

That's right, sweetie.

-My life is over. -Kill me now.

Welcome aboard, mom.

Oh, Hi, Marisa.

Mrs. Hennessy; What are you doing here?

I'm the new school nurse.

Oh, congratulations!

Well, see ya!

Oh, no, honey, come here.

Look, I understand this might be awkward talking to me,

but just forget that I'm Bridget's mom.

In here, you can say anything.

-And you won't freak out? -Nope.

All right,

I got a tattoo, and now I think it's infected.

See?

Whoa!

Did you do that at home with your dad's screwdriver?

Just kidding.

Uh, actually, it's a lovely butterfly, dragon, snake.

It's a peace sign.