The Badge

Jesus, no.

Woman: Somebody help me.

- ( tires screeching ) - Jesus!

- Darl? - Huh?

Come on in and I'll scramble you some eggs.

So, say...

you ain't seen my keys, have you?

Goddamn it. What did you do that for?

I love you.

- Morning, glory. - Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Darl, you were sure shaking your patootie last night.

- Come here a minute, hon. - What?

Just come here, okay?

- How old are you? - 21, and got an ID to prove it.

Horse shit.

I got some advice for you, honey-- go back to "Crawfish Bayou"

or wherever the hell it is you're from.

Work in a place like this, you're gonna develop some bad habits.

You got an eye booger right there on your nose.

- ( telephone ringing ) - It's Rhonda.

- Darl, it's CB. - I'm not here.

Said something about a truck wreck.

- Put down the shoes, Elton. - I got six kids--

- Put down the shoes, Elton. - Hey, CB.

- Got a little situation. - Yeah, looks like it.

Let me see that umbrella. You seen my sunglasses?

- I don't think so. - Do me a favor, look for them.

What's up, Marc? How you doing, Buddy?

Driver said some woman ran in front of him.

- Did you talk to her? - No. Couldn't find her.

Can't find her? Let me know.

What's up, buddy? Whose dog is this?

His license and title were clean, but his insurance lapsed.

Is that right? Are you hurt, son?

- Are you all right? - Yes, sir, I'm all right.

Boy, you dumped her in there, didn't you?

Yes, sir. I sure did. I laid her on over.

Now, listen. I don't know where you drive through,

but in Louisiana you can't drive around with no insurance.

I try to keep it up. I got to feed my kids, though.

Yeah, I get you. That's an awful lot of shoes.

I'm gonna have to give you a breathalyzer test.

Oh, no, sir. Hell no. I ain't no drunk.

You find that woman over there. It's her damn fault!

Hey, CB, make the call, will you?

- This is Rhonda. - Rhonda, CB.

- We got some high tops. Want some? - Hells bells, save me a pair!

Ponderosa. Appreciate it, CB.

...and what they're building, right down the road,

is a gambling casino that will destroy our community.

Truck wreck on 65. Darl's giving out free shoes.

You cannot bring in Las Vegas-style gambling!

This is a 7 1/2 medium.

I bet you a million dollars that fits that girl.

Gooch, what's up, buddy? You drunk yet?

No, sir. This is the Lord's day.

- Jack Daniel's got to wait. - Well, hurry sundown.

They're some nasty tennis shoes.

Just clean 'em up, they just been in the mud.

That's a seven medium, it says.

What's up, Cletus?

You see, you got to say the magic words.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Who you gonna vote for? - Well, you, Sheriff.

Darl: Hey, Ornell...

you plannin' on pulling that damn thing out with that truck?

Darl, before I get started,

I got to get it straight. Who do I send the bill to?

The judge executive pays the bills.

Hey, Darl? - Huh?

- You ought to look at this. - What?

There's a woman out here. She ain't moving.

Man: Damn, she's good-lookin', huh?

- Anybody know her? - Nope.

It'd be nice if I did.

Should we charge that trucker with manslaughter?

I don't know. Maybe.

There's a camera under my seat. Go get it and take some pictures.

- Jesus. - Man: Amen. She's a believer.

Good grief, little fella, you're about to get squashed.

Now run. Run like the wind.

- How you doin', sister? - Hey.

Looks good, y'all.

I didn't think the Lord gave out permits to work on Sundays.

I aim to be open for business before the casino is.

I'm trying to identify this gal right here.

You ain't seen her before, have you?

No. She don't go to my church.

Well, I guess you wouldn't know her then, would you?

Say, Henry.

We ain't playing much football today, are we, Darl?

Hell no.

I Need you to help me out on something.

You seen this little sweetheart?

Hmm. She's a looker.

- She got hit by a truck. - I heard that.

No. I don't know her.

Nah, your money's no good out here, Darl.

My wife picked me out a pair of Hush Puppies.

- They fit? - Oh, yeah.

Good deal. All right, then.

- Thanks for your help. - Okay, Darl.

If you hear anything about this, let me know.

- I sure will. Hey, Darl. - Yeah.

Those kids out front-- Run 'em off.

I'm getting complaints.

All right. See you later, Henry.

- Whew, that's good. - It's not good, it's dangerous.

You little shits are going to have to get out of here.

You're running off all of Henry's customers.

What are you just standing for? Go on, get in the car.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- And you come with me. - Why?

Because I said to. Come on.

Come on, let's just go.

Your mother don't let you smoke.

Yeah, not in front of her.

- Who is this? - I don't know.

I'm trying to find out.

So, how's school, hon'?

- Amazing. - That's great.

Can I get a tattoo?

A tattoo of what?

Gaia.

- What's "Gaia"? - Gaia, the Earth goddess.

When I was a kid in school, the only girls who had tattoos

were girls that worked in tent shows, you know.

I don't want you running around like carnival trash.

Yeah, thanks.

CB to Big Chief one, you copy?

We're over at Doc's. You really got to see this.

See what, CB?

- Damn, squeegee. - Wait till you see this.

- You ain't supposed to be in here. - You just wait.

What the hell is going on?

- She's got a pecker. - And titties.

I see that, CB. Jesus Christ.

She got a bigger dick than I do.

Squeegee, I'll have to take your word on that.

Oh, my Lord.

I guess you'd call it a transvestite.

Well, technically,

because of the hormone-induced breasts,

she'd be classified as a transsexual or transgender.

A transvestite just likes to dress up.

- An accident? - Nope.

This is the culprit that killed her or him.

A.22 caliber.

Shot through the back and lodged in the chest cavity.

Feet are cut up, so...

so I feel like she ran a long way with this in her.

Actual time of death...

probably just about 45 minutes ago.

Asphyxiation--

Lungs slowly filled up with blood.

Damn, Darl, she was layin' there alive

while we was unloading those damned shoes.

Identifiable markings--

Jesus is a tattoo,

but this here, that's-- that's a stamp.

Like you'd get at a nightclub.

Darl, this is clearly a homicide. Somebody should have called

the state investigators before you moved the body.

Excuse me, DA, I was called to investigate a traffic accident.

- I didn't have any idea-- - Whoa!

- That's cool. - What are you doing in here?

Ashley's riding home with me. I'm parked out back.

- Come on. - What?

I wished to hell I had said no when she proposed to me.

- It'd been a lot easier. - It's my fault you're miserable.

That's what I said.

You getting any alimony?

I should be. I put her through law school.

Doc, why don't you put something over this here?

I don't want to lose my biscuits.

The titties, they look so real.

They are real, CB. What do you think they are?

Well, they're not exactly real.

They weren't real, they're real now, I guess.

- They sure are pretty. - Hey, you cut that out.

You sure know an awful lot about this kind of thing.

No, I've read a lot. I'm well read, that's all.

- I just read a lot. - Put on some heels and stockings.

We don't want to know what's going on behind closed doors.

Don't start that.

Hey, Darl, I'm going back to the desk.

You want me to call in the state forensic?

Why?

Carla said we should have done that from the beginning.

I don't give a rat's ass what Carla said.

I'm not calling in the state boys on a Sunday

to get time and a half investigating a damn homo-cide.

They'd be giving me shit from here on out.

Have you seen my sunglasses?