The Young Offenders

Ever since Star has been born,

Jock has been noticing a distinct lack of trust.

Are you fucking going to let me hold her by myself?

Not since the drop incident. It was a near drop incident.

Yeah. Burp her. I am burping her.

That's not how you burp her. It's hard to burp her right

when you're all watching me.

There. See?

Oh!

Ah! Ah! Ah, Janey!

Oh!

Never again.

Would you relax!

I dropped Conor loads when he was small. And sure, look, he's grand.

If you could sell this stuff, you'd make a fortune.

I need to go to the toilet, Orla. Can you take over?

Mama's here.

All right. It's just until she can walk.

Twist your arm. I'll twist your arm all right.

You! Get into the van.

Look, I had this dream about how to make a load of money,

and you two were in it. So get in before I make ye get in.

I really... Come on! Fuck.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

This plan came to me in a dream.

It was like someone whispered it in my ear.

And whoever it was also whispered,

"Get Conor and Jock to help."

Aren't you going to ask me what the plan is?

Erm...

What is your plan, Billy?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Jock.

And I have for you three words.

Fuck ing heist.

A heist? Like in the films, with fucking banks and casinos

and shit? Yeah. But there's going to be no casinos, no banks.

There's just going to be a shitload of TVs.

You have our attention. Continue. Aye, yeah.

This is the plan.

What, make two bricks fuck each other?

No! D'ye see that store there?

Well, I've been watching it for weeks.

Oh, and d'ye see that truck driver up there?

His name is Paul.

This Tuesday, at approximately 1pm,

Paul will be dropping off a shitload of TVs to that very store.

He's going to go behind there, he's going to open up his door

and unload a load of televisions.

But this Tuesday, he's going to get a phone call from his girlfriend.

So he'll be distracted away from the TVs. All right.

Then, I'm going to reverse this van up to the back of his truck.

The bricks are the vans! And I'm going to unload

those very expensive televisions into the back of our van

without being seen,

and then I'm going to drive off down the road.

Yeah, I know, it's not a great idea. No, no!

Billy, I... I think for once, you might have actually

come up with something that's going to work. Serious?

Well like, the way I was thinking it,

I'm more of a disorganised criminal,

and ye, ye're more of, like, organised criminals. Yeah.

So I was thinking, you know,

ye could be the brains of the operation.

Well, if you're looking for the brains of the operation,

then you came to the right place, like.

All right, let's do it, boy! Yes!

Jock, you're in luck. You're going to get to look after Star

for the whole day. Really?! Mm-hm.

Well, is your... is your da OK with that?

I'm super OK with that.

Why is he in a good mood? Did you get sent that video

of the principal that's going around? The one where he's caught

wanking in the woodwork room?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but I deleted that.

I..I only watched it a few times and it was funny and then...

...then I just realised I was watching an old fella

having a wank.

Well, your man was due to get a Best Principal award.

Barry was the only other principal available at such short notice to travel to Dublin.

So they've given him the award instead.

And me and the girls are going to tie in a shopping trip.

It would be nice if you came along and showed some support.

Just saying. Larry, it's a four-hour ceremony.

Fuck that!

We got this, OK? You just enjoy the ceremony.

We got Star covered for the day.

We'll pencil you in for, eh, Wednesday? No, tomorrow.

The ceremony's tomorrow. Tomorrow? Right.

Eh... Yeah, no, tomorrow, you have to... No.

Eh, myself and Jock have, eh, a prior engagement.

What's more important than looking after Star?

Tomorrow? Yeah, no, we can do tomorrow.

Aye. We can do it, yeah, don't worry. Let's do it. I promise you.

You fuck this up and I'll never trust the pair of you with her ever again.

Have you got it? Yeah.

Yeah? Right.

Tomorrow. I can't wait.

Doing a heist with a baby is pretty much like walking on the moon.

Not many people in the world can say they've done it.

Look at that baby, huh? My baby. That's Con's baby.

Everything you need is in this bag.

Oh, no love, I'm not to be there. I'm going to work. What?!

Shite! Don't look! It's fine.

That's just a doll. Don't worry about that.

OK! Well, call me if anything really bad happens. Bye, luvvie!

Eh, don't worry. Nothing really bad's going to happen.

Eh, it'll be fine.

I know.

Are you going to miss me? Eh...

My knob is, like, red raw, so, eh,

I could do with a break.

I figured that was a reasonable request,

because me dick has been doing split shifts ever since

meself and Linda broke each other's virginity.

Ah, it's only 24 hours. I don't even care, I'm not going to miss you

when I'm gone anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? Only a day. Yeah.

Have a good time, yeah? Come on.

It's lovely. Bye! Bye-bye.

Say bye to Mammy, look. Bye-bye.

Say, "S'later". S'later.

All right, Mam's gone, now we're going to have some fun, aren't we?

See you at stage one. What's stage one again?

Just pick us up and bring us to town, all right?

What the fuck is that? It's a baby.

I know it's a fucking baby. What's it doing here?

Her mam is in Dublin for the day, so she's coming with us.

No fucking way! It's not a proper heist if one of the gang members

has a baby! We're bringing her as cover.

No-one's going to suspect three dads in a heist.

Right? Oh, that's good, that's good!

Brains, boy, brains!

This thing is like a fucking Rubik's Cube! Siobhan said there's a button.

Then it just folds up. There's loads of fucking buttons! Here, give me a go!

Clip, clip, lift! Clip, clip...

Here. I have it. I have it.

Why... Billy!

Jesus, you're going to break the pram! Billy! Billy!

Fucking thing!

You just broke the fucking thing.

Well, you can take it out of my share, OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't put her into the front of the van.

Do you want to be drawing attention to us, or what?

What do you suggest, then? Strap her onto the roof.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.

You do realise it's saying things like that that make people think

you're fucking mental? I was joking.

The way Jock sees it, the best way to get good at something,

like minding a baby, is do it alongside the most difficult thing you can think of.

There. She's safer now than in any car. Right.

We're good here! Hit the road!

And what's more difficult than a heist?

Are ye all right? Slow the fuck down! It's not the getaway. It's the get-to!

Fucking A!

Oh, boy, I'm staring to question if bringing a baby on a heist

is a good idea or a fucking stupid idea.

Will you just relax, will you? Look, that's the worst of it over now.

We'll have the job done in an hour and then we'll have her back

watching Peppa Pig on a state-of-the-art 50 inch

plasma screen TV, won't we?

Billy, you've got to go and make sure the coast is clear, right?

Oh, Daddy's going to bring all your stuff as well,

so if we get in any trouble, we can...

Here.

OK. Are you ready? Let's steal some TVs!

Let's steal some TVs! Don't tell anyone now.

Don't be a snitch. OK, don't tell Mammy.

Jesus! Fuck! Billy, he's fucking over there.

These binoculars are really good. You're in the middle of the footpath. Somebody walking...

Listen to me for a second, OK? Listen to me for a second.

If somebody's coming down this hill you're going to force them out into the road and get them killed.

Oh, our cover's blown. What are we going to do now?

Look, abort the plan, get the van, burn it, head for the hills!

Come here, come here! Right, look, stop panicking.

It's fine.

See, look, he's leaving already. There's no problem.

What if he comes back? That's what's genius about your plan, remember?

If he does, all he's going to see is a van parked up against a truck, OK?

He's not going to know we're in the back getting rich off TVs. Exactly.

Are you going to be able to hold your shit together now?

Sure, just give me a light! No.

There's no smoking lit cigarettes around the baby.

We won't, don't worry, we won't. Not yet.

No. When you're older.

Come on.

Act natural. Right? Do you want to hold it?

You can hold it for a second. Just for a second, all right?

You can hold it for a second. Oi, no, no, no!

The only reason Daddy steals is so you can live a happy life.

Did one of ye stand in shit?

Wait...

It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Well, it's hardly me!

It wasn't her.

She just took a massive shit back at the house before we left.

It smells like baby shit to me. What does baby shit smell like?

Well, it smells like somebody who's only ever after drank milk took a shit.

Give her a sniff there. Why, why am I the sniffer?

Just give her a sniff. I'm not... God, gee, Christ!

Yeah, no, yeah, it's her. Oh, bollocks!