Alpha Males (Machos alfa)

Poor thing.

Today's two-shot day. I hate it.

What do you mean? Two jabs?

Yeah, pneumococcal and rotavirus.

We can space them out, but no more than two months.

Since we're here, let's give him both, right?

If we can avoid giving him two shots in one day...

It'll just take a second.

But he'll be suffering.

That really hurts.

Ignore him. They've never given birth.

Here we go with the never given birth thing.

Men have a lower pain threshold. It's okay. It's a fact.

What do you know?

Have you ever been hit in the nuts with a ball?

That hurts like 100 childbirths.

Have you ever spent all day dilating,

and then had seven layers of tissue cut open?

If you're all so tough and able to handle pain,

why do you beg like crazy for an epidural?

It's okay. I was just wondering.

No, it's not okay.

I'll show you my pain threshold.

Anyone got a lighter?

What are you doing?

I burned myself. Damn!

Give him both.

ALPHA MALES

Lucía, can we talk for a second?

Damn. She won't even look at me.

Raúl, I talked to her.

She's willing to withdraw the private prosecution.

So the prosecutor will probably dismiss the charges.

That's fucking great news. Thanks, man.

But she won't work with you anymore.

She's leaving? We'll write her a letter of recommendation.

No.

- It's best if you sell me your share. - I said no.

Up to you. Either you leave with good money and a clean record,

or face trial for sexual assault.

Special adoption is an alternative path

for parents with a strong sense of family unity.

- And there's no waiting list? - It's the children who wait.

And some families wait for eight years to get a healthy baby.

This is the checklist.

It shows all the medical conditions these little ones suffer from.

You have to check the ones you feel prepared for.

Heart disease, partial or total blindness, degrees of deafness,

missing limbs, cerebral palsy, achondroplasia...

No, I can't make a decision like that.

- Let God decide. - Not God. We'll get the worst one.

A partner's one thing. They come and go.

But you're stuck with the father of your child.

I know, but going to my house to meet my ex and my daughter...

You looked me up on LinkedIn.

You're comparing the two?

- Eva, your cytology's perfect. - Thank God.

We'll do a blood test and check your follicle count.

And for you, serology

and semen analysis.

Now?

We just came to ask for a quote.

Which depends on, among other things, your semen.

The poorer the quality, the more expensive the procedure.

I'll be in the cafeteria.

Took you a while, huh?

Yeah. It's all a bit clinical, you know?

That's the point.

Yeah.

I know there's no romance or anything,

but I don't see you as very maternal, you know?

I'm not.

So why become a parent?

For the experience.

- For the experience? - Yeah. And you?

Because I'm lonely.

And that's better, is it? Adopt a dog.

You adopt a dog.

Hey, let's get drunk.

Yeah, to celebrate our first co-parenting crisis, right?

No, to get all the leftover crap out.

Sorry. I have to go to a friend's birthday.

Perfect.

- You're inviting yourself? - Is that a problem?

Not at all.

Forty-nine! My God!

And you can tell!

What?

- What did you wish for? - If I tell you, it won't come true.

And it won't if you don't. I wished to be a mermaid and look.

Why do we always have to celebrate your birthday at my house?

It's the biggest. You have a garden, a pool, a barbecue, and a maid.

And the pictures look really nice.

I'll go.

- Happy birthday, Luis. - Thanks, Marimar.

Fucking Catholic slut.

- Mom! - Go play. I'm really upset with you.

Hey, what's up, people?

- How are you? - Hey!

This is Eva, the mother of my future child.

Damn, the overqualified one.

No way. The ibuprofen guy.

- You know each other? - We've seen each other at the pharmacy.

Where were you? I already blew out the...

Jerking off.

To test his semen.

Don't worry. Mine sucked, and look.

They're trying to have a child without being a couple.

It's a new thing called co-parenting.

Yeah.

But children should be the fruit of marriage.

They're a gift from God, not a whim.

- What's she saying? - Let's get a drink. See you later.

We're going to adopt a child with special needs.

Wow.

Yes, my maid is breastfeeding my son

because I can't produce milk.

Patri, you offered to do it, right?

Yes. I'm happy to do it. I love Gael.

And she has a contract, social security, and everything.

Wondering why I'm not giving him bottles?

Because baby formula is ultra-processed shit

filled with sugars and sketchy oils.

And I want the best for my son.

They roasted me.

You said moms who don't breastfeed are bad?

That's not what I said. Look, it doesn't matter.

The baby formula company's the same as the eco-diaper one.

Yeah, I know. They called me. Can we change the subject?

How's it going with the stud? Do you have him under control?

I don't care.

I tried to check his phone and threatened a mom at the park.

That's not me. I don't like myself.

It's called protecting what's yours.

What if he's doing nothing, and it's all in my head?

- Yours, I mean. - Excuse me?

The alpha male camp was for real. The theater too.

I had to see that shit. Thanks to you, I'm paranoid.

So why's he on Tinder?

He's bored.

But as I'm his point of reference, none of them measure up.

You're like the women from back in the day who always defended their husbands.

- You're a disgrace to feminism. - And you're a toxic sister.

I'm going.

Quit poisoning my mind, okay?

You'll come back crying.

It's like an adoption outlet.

- Poor kids. Don't you feel bad? - I'd feel worse if they end up with Raúl.

But you get to pick the flaw.

Get a blind one. He won't spend all day playing video games or watching porn.

- I'm not that good a person. - You're not.

Tell Marimar she's earned her spot in heaven by marrying you.

She doesn't need to adopt anyone.

The girl from the love shack. She wants more?

Second date, Pedrito!

Shut up, loudmouth.

- Who cares? You're not together. - Yeah, but it's weird. I feel dirty.

Hello? Luis?

- Hello? - What?

You're obsessed with Marimar.

What? No way.

I'm just making sure Iris doesn't fall into the pool.

Iris!

I can see you two together, you know?

Raúl, I'm a happily married man. And you're supposed to be too.

You married Marimar because she's like a submissive Luz.

They're nothing alike.

They're a lot alike.

Accept your marriage is a failure, and stop wasting her time.

- I know. He can have her. - Don't objectify her!

See what a good friend I am? I'm giving you my wife for your birthday.

You didn't get me anything, did you?

- Do we give it to him now? - What?

Wait, there's a step!

- Last one. - That's it.

There. Easy. That's it.

Where are we going?

- I'm gonna kill you! - What is it?

STEP ON IT, LUISITO

Don't trip.

- Be careful! - Shut up.

Ta-da!

Dad, your wish came true.

Hop on. Start it up.

A bike!

A bike! My bike!

- You wanna make me a widow? - No, Luisito's got it.

It's the excitement.

It won't start.

It's okay. I'm a cop. Sorry.

It was the parrot. It suddenly started repeating,

"I love you! Get divorced!"

And I was like, "What's it saying?"

And that's how I caught that son of a bitch.

Elvira,

I can't call a parrot to testify.

Besides, infidelity isn't a crime.

It should be. What am I supposed to do at my age?

Become a lesbian, darling.

Let's focus on his assets. That's what'll hurt him the most.