The Fearless Vampire Killers: Vampires 101

Ladies and gentlemen.

We take pride and pleasure in bringing you the founder and president...

...of the International Society for the Prevention, Detection...

...and Extermination of Vampires.

Professor Cecil Havelock-Montague...

...Ph. D., LL.B., B.A. T...

...technical advisor on the forthcoming motion picture...

...The Fearless Vampire Killers...

...Or: Pardon me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck.

How do you do?

There's one thing he's neglected to tell you. Very naughty of him, too.

But, when they came to me for technical advice on this picture...

...they took one look at me, and immediately offered me the starring part.

Very flattering, I must say.

Regrettably, we were in the middle of the open vampire season.

And I had to decline.

Now, a lot of you people laugh at vampires.

Don't you think I'm fully aware of that?

But this is no laughing matter. It's a serious business.

A vampire is a very nasty monster.

Now, I tell you what I'm going to do for you.

I'm going to show you the real thing.

A motion picture first. Look at that, will you? Just look at that.

Isn't that a thing of beauty?

Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

I can assure you, you won't find a more splendid specimen...

...this side of Schweinfurt.

Look at those cheeks.

Marvelous color.

You'd never think this chap was dead, would you?

That's because he isn't really dead, you see.

In the daytime, when the sun is shining, they pretend they're dead.

But at night, it's an entirely different matter.

They wake up, they leave their coffins...

...and out they go, searching for live people.

Like you and me.

This is precisely when all this biting business starts.

Please notice the flaring nostrils.

This, perhaps something else you've noticed about the nose.

Two nostrils, right?

So that makes it not a what?

Anyone?

Not a Bulgarian vampire.

Don't you even know that?

Why? Because a Bulgarian vampire only has one nostril.

Right smack in the middle of its nose.

That's a Bulgarian for you.

And in Poland, would you believe it? They have pointed tongues.

Communists.

That's some little pest.

Naughty.

Now, I'm sure you'd like to look at some pictures.

Now, this is all stuff from this unique motion picture.

Ah, yes, here we are.

Ah, we'd better stop here.

Now this is frightfully important. I must have your undivided attention.

Absolutely, no nonsense.

You noticed, of course, the use of the ultimate weapon in vampire warfare...