South Park

cartman, dude, what's wrong?

nothing. just leave me alone, okay?

dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying

since lunch break.

something's going on.

it's just... that essay that garrison assigned us.

"what i wanna be when i grow up?"

i don't like thinking about what i wanna be

when i grow up, all right?

why not?

because when i grow up, i wanna be something

that i know i can never be, stan.

cartman, tell us.

ugh.

i wanna be a nascar driver, okay?

when i see the car races on tv,

those loud engines and peeling wheels,

it's so cool.

well, cartman, if you want to drive nascar

when you grow up, you can.

oh, right.

someone like me can be a nascar driver.

look at me!

you really think someone like this

can ever become an awesome, famous nascar driver?

aw.

cartman, you can change things about yourself.

no, i can't. i'll always be like this.

dude, no, you don't know that.

come on, you guys. i have to face facts.

nascar is only for poor and stupid people.

i don't have what it takes.

what?

i'm not poor and stupid enough to do nascar

and i never will be.

dude, i don't think

just poor and stupid people like nascar.

oh, really? hey... hey, kenny!

- huh? - you love nascar, huh?

yeah, dude, i love nascar!

you see?

i told you guys! what's the use?

it's just... it's hopeless!

cartman, you are poor and you are stupid.

i know you're trying to make me feel better, kyle,

but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack.

dude, you are so retarded!

thanks, stan, but even if i was,

i'd still be too rich.

how are you rich?

your mom pays for everything.

you guys really think i could do this, don't you?

you really believe in me.

i believe that you're a broke, ignorant, idiot!

then maybe i can make myself believe it, too.

thanks, you guys. i'm gonna go chase a dream.

- butters. - hey, eric.

butters, the guys have been talking to me,

and, well, they've got me pretty pumped up.

i'm psyched, butters.

i'm about to do something big and i'm psyched!

okay!

but i'm gonna need your help.

can you get psyched? you gonna get psyched up?

yeah, i'm psyched!

get really psyched up, butters!

i'm really psyched!

yeah, yeah. let's do this!

all right, i'm pumped! i'm psyched!

i'm going to become a nascar driver, butters.

i'm going for the gold.

na-nascar?

i know, i'm not poor and stupid enough,

but i can change that, butters.

here. i want you to take all my money.

every bit of it, butters.

$58.32.

you're givin' away all your money?

just get rid of it, butters.

don't tell me where you spend it,

and don't ever let me have it back.

from this moment on, i am poor... like kenny.

you sure you want to do this?

i told you i'm serious, butters.

this is my shot.

i'm gonna get as poor and stupid as i possibly can.

all right, folks, we wanna thank you all

for coming out and supporting nascar.

yeah! so cool!

now, who's ready for saturday's big race?

woo-hoo!

we are really excited to be part of

the fastest growing sport in america!

woo-hoo!

now i don't know about you, but i am thrilled

to watch nascar finally becoming

a recognized as a respected, legitimate sport!

yeah! yeah!

hello! excuse me!

i know that you nascar people don't have very much.

so i went out and bought you all

$58 worth of canned food and blankets.

you're welcome.

heh! i helped the needy!

boy, i'll tell you what.

it is raining cats and dogs outside.

mostly cats.

i just wish i had brought an umbrella.

- hey, eric! - ah, butters!

did you give away all my money?

yup! you don't have a penny left!

you're poor as shit.

how come you're hanging upside down?

i need to get stupid, butters.

i'm getting all the blood to rush to my head

and watching a marathon of two and a half men.

hey, that's a hot girl over there.

sure, she's hot. she's wearing a sweater!

ugh.

- feel stupid yet? - not yet.

when a woman isn't feeling her freshest,

she turns to vagisil.

oh, god damn it. another vagisil commercial?

to stop feminine itching and relieve vaginal odors.

fucking gross!

all those ladies have stinky vaginas?

if you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor.

in some cases, vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.

for the freshest, cleanest feminine area...

whoa whoa whoa whoa! did you hear that?

in some cases, vagisil can lead to

short-term memory loss.

oh, my god, butters. we need vagisil.

vagisil, vagisil maximum strength,

vagisil wash, vagisil medicated wipes.

gee whiz! there's vagi-everythings!

which one do i use to kill brain cells?

well, just buy me one of each of them, butters.

i'm buying?

i'm totally poor, butters. did you forget?

but i-i didn't bring any money.

i didn't know i had to buy vagisil.

god damn it, butters!

all right, just... just keep a lookout.

i'll try it here.

look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me.

there. okay.

is anybody coming?

no, you're good.

oh, okay, now...

little boy, what are you doing?

oh, my god, butters!

i feel kind of stupid!

- really? - yes!

yes, i'm feeling totally stupid right now!

that was fast!

grab what you can and let's get out of here.

i'm ready.

we are just seconds away

from the start of the denver 300!

excuse me!

mr. evans, sir?

your... your wife is on the phone.

- she just got raped. - what?

yeah, she got raped a lot,

and you gotta talk to her.

oh, my god!

sweet! nice work, butters.

now go be my spotter so we can win this thing.

eric, are you sure you can do this?

don't worry, butters, i'm totally poor and stupid.

i'm ready for nascar.

let the race begin!

let's go nascar!

i'm not moving, butters.

i think you gotta press the gas pedal.

- what's that? - there's like a long pedal

on the floor by your right foot.

oh, okay.

let's go nascar!

it looks like the dale evans' car

is going the wrong way!

cool, nascar!

sweet!

aah!

oh, fuck my ass!

eric?

all that work,

all the effort i put in,

i still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.

eric, you were as poor and stupid as you could be.

don't you get it, butters?

it's never gonna happen for me!

those people are way more poor and stupid than i'll ever be!

i might as well kill myself.

eric! don't ever talk like that!

i've given away all my money,

drank enough vagisil to kill every brain cell i have,

but it still wasn't enough!

all right, eric, we got the x-rays back.