Inside Amy Schumer

That's right, ladies.

Ain't nothing better than a big, beautiful, sexy booty.

But bottom line, no matter how fine the behind,

you better call that onion what it really is.

That shit's a fudge machine.

Turn out.

It's where your poop comes out.

This seems to be the year of the ass.

I think the ass is overtaking the boobs, definitely.

Do you think the tits could ever make a comeback?

The tits will always be there, everyone loves titties.

- Everyone loves titties. - Everyone loves titties.

Do you think tits will ever make a comeback?

- I hope so. - We can only pray.

Please, Lord. Please make tits come back.

Lord, hear our prayer.

Can you describe the perfect ass?

Not too small.

Not too firm, not too soft.

Stretch marks are okay.

This sounds like the worst futon ever.

I feel like you're assuming that I have ass stretch marks

and you're right.

Can you describe your perfect ass?

Has to be dry.

- I've got a girl for you. - Really?

I'm out, immediately.

I shit myself in Austin when I was going for a walk recently.

It's Monday and that means

the big game against Galveston is just a few days away.

We're praying that new guy, Coach Thompson,

is getting our Bronconeers ready for combat.

You the new football coach down at the high school?

Yes, sir. Coach Thompson.

- This is my wife, Amy. - Hey, y'all.

Coach Crawford was like family.

You got some big shoes to fill.

We sure love our football around here, more than anything.

My wife baked you up a pecan crumb.

- Go Bronconeers! - Bronconeers.

Ain't it good to be the coach?

Woo!

Now, I'm not sure what you heard about me,

but I do things a little different

than y'all are used to here in Stewford Heights.

This season, we're gonna be the first team

in the county to run a no-huddle offense.

- What? - You don't like that?

You can just look at my 14-2 record Northeast last year.

Second, we do two-a-days every day.

Mm-hmm.

And third, now, I just need you go to with me on this one.

No raping?

But coach, we play football.

My team, my rules.

You don't like it, don't let the door rape you on the way out.

- Can we rape at away games? - Nope.

What if it's Halloween and she's dressed like a sexy cat?

- Nope. - What if she thinks it's rape

- but I don't? - Still no.

What about, like, a sexy ladybug?

- Ah, yeah. - Mm.

Nope.

A ghost? What about a sexy owl?

Sexy Transformer?

What if my mom is the D.A. and won't prosecute?

- Can I rape? - No, you cannot.

What if she's drunk and has a slight reputation

and no one's gonna believe her?

- That ain't allowed. - Okay.

The girl said yes to me the other day,

- but it was about something else. - No.

What if the girl said yes

but then she changes her mind out of nowhere, like a crazy person.

You gotta stop.

- No, you gotta stop! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Where did that come from?

Hey.

You're that new coach who don't like raping.

How are our boys supposed to celebrate when they win?

Or blow off steam if they lose?

That's not very neighborly, ladies.

These folks, that's just their way, okay?

You can't bring a wet mule around a hot corn oven.

- Yeah, that's the truth. - Right?

How about just backing off this whole no raping thing for now?

- No, I know, I-- - We've been through this--

I know we've been through it and I know we have a daughter, okay?

I know that and I love her, but I am so tired.

I don't know why, but I am, you know?

Hey, Coach, um... can I come in?

Sure.

Uh, I'm sorry to bother you at home, Coach,

but you're the closest thing I ever had to a dad

and I just wanna, you know, ask.

Go ahead, son.

But, like, what if someone else is raping her, right,

and I'm just, like, filming it on my phone?

No, no, it's still a no. You're just as guilty...

but you already knew that, right?

The Bronconeers are taking a beating out there.

Oh, we got a hard hit on Cunningham and he is down.

It's pretty severe.

Just give it to me straight, Doc.

Will my boy ever rape again?

Afraid not.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

Bronconeers are really feeling Cunningham's loss.

They're down 15 points.

And that's halftime, folks.

We should not be losing this game.

Dugan, what the hell were you thinking out there

on that last play, son?

I was-- I was thinking about raping.

God damn it.

How do I get through to you boys that football isn't about rape?

It's about violently dominating anyone that stands

between you and what you want.

Now, you gotta get yourself into the mindset

that you are gods...

- Yeah. - ...and you are entitled to this.

Yeah!

That other team, they ain't just gonna lay down

- and give it to you. - No!

You gotta go out there and take it.

Now let's get out there.

Yeah.

Clear eyes.

Full hearts.

Don't rape!

- Woo! - Yeah.

Ain't it good to be the coach?

I love you, baby.

You guys. You never slept with him.

You don't know what you're missing.

No way!

It's crazy.

Hi. Are you lost?

Um, I'm sorry.

I just-- I love all of you, I can't--

I can't believe you're here.