Pete versus Life

This week on Pete Versus Life...

the socially-challenged sports writing hopeful

faces an old foe on tip-top form...

ex-flatmate Jake,

who once survived eight days on an Arctic ice floe

after a dispute with his huskies.

There's Jerome, the fashionista

who also works as an informal prostitute.

And girly girl Rachel, who loves cooking

but is frightened of carrots.

Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.

Good evening, I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry McIlroy.

And a typical start to a party, this, for Pete.

He's not a great mingler

and he's trying to avoid talking to Jake

by pretending to read a book on the care and upkeep of ponies.

Hello, Pete, great to see you.

How are you?

Fine.

Great. Well, that's really good.

How are you?

Absolutely fabulous, thanks for asking.

Still doing my polar ice core research, but now based in Egham.

How's the Arctic? Is it still melting?

Like you wouldn't believe.

The Government's doing absolutely nothing about it. It's criminal.

Still, Rachel's a great consolation.

'Well, to Jake and most well-adjusted people,

'this is a normal friendly conversation,

'but to Pete it's just a series of digs.'

'That's right, he's already ticked off the fact

'he's got an interesting job and a girlfriend.'

But I won't get to see her much, cos, at the end of the month,

I'm supposed to be going to some bloody conference in Madrid.

'Nice - backhanded mention of travel plus hitting job again.'

Which couldn't have come at a worse time,

because I'm supposed to be completing on my flat.

The only time I really get to myself is my marathon training.

Thanks for letting me unload.

Ah! Oh, fankoo!

So how's it all going with Rachel?

Oh, yeah, yeah, really well.

Very well indeed.

Oh? Is there something up?

No.

She getting on your nerves a bit? How do you mean?

All that girly stuff and the way she talks?

I mean, who says "fankoo" instead of "thank you"?

What's wrong with saying "fankoo"?

Nothing, it's good.

So, go on, tell me, what's happening?

No, no, no, no. I shouldn't.

Come on, let it all out.

You can speak to me. I think you'll find I'm a very good listener.

Well, she's got into this habit of...

Yeah?

When we're making, you know, love... Yeah?

Putting her finger up my bum. What?!

Yeah, just as I'm about to... Fire torpedoes?

Exactly, up it goes.

She is so cute. Fankoo, Anna.

You sure? She doesn't seem the type.

Somebody's putting their finger up there, and it sure ain't me!

I-I bet that can be a bit distracting?

It's, erm, it's a little bit more than that.

Hello, hello, Petey, hello.

What do you think of my ickle doll, Petey?

Yeah, it's not bad, nice.

Oh, see, Petey likes you.

Do you mind if me and my ickle doll borrow Jakey for a second?

No.

No. Fankoo.

All right, Pete. What happened to you?

I got sucked into The One Show. Oh, thanks very much.

All right, fellas. Oh, Rob.

Me and him are gonna go for a drink after this, do you fancy it?

Oh, no, I'd better not. I've gotta get up early and look at carpets.

I've gotta go give some nuts to Anna.

Hey, all.

Oh, hi, Rach. Food's nice. Fankoo. Yeah, I was gonna try some of these dips,

but you've run out of them little carrot sticks.

Oh, well, don't worry about that, use your fingey.

No, thanks, I...

Don't be shy.

No, really.

Come on.

No. I don't really like hummus.

But I made it all on my ownsome.

I'm allergic to lentils.

It's not made with lentils,

it's made with chickpeas. I meant chickpeas.

Eat it, Peter. No!

I'll try some.

Mmm, yeah, it's delicious.

Told you. Fankoo, Ollie.

What was all that about?

Rachel sticks her finger up Jake's bum during sex.

Shall we go?

'Oh, poor Ollie. He's gonna need a stiff drink after that.'

'Well, he did, and they had quite a night of it.'

'Yeah, they were refused entry to a nightclub,

'so ended up drinking till three in the morning in a Turkish restaurant.'

'And not a girl in sight. Classic Pete.'

'If we take a quick look at that restaurant's pricing policy for beer...

Oh, that's quite a mark-up.

Ah, demand and supply, Colin.

'But Ollie managing to look quite sprightly this morning.'

'Well, the damage will be all internal.'

Where's your rucksack?

Hmm?

Pete! My new trainers were in there,

they were a birthday present from Mexico.

'Pete's still getting a bit thrown by Ollie's girlfriend's name.'

Even though Ollie's been going out with her for quite a while,

she changed her name when she went into the fashion industry.

Mexico, of course, formerly Susan Bates of Penge.

Oh, you must've left them in that Turkish restaurant.

Oh, I must've left them, must I?

Let's go see if they're there.

'Well, Pete doesn't seem keen.

'Well, he was so cross about the price of the beer

'that he took matters into his own hands.

'As they were leaving the restaurant,

'Pete decided to nick the laminated board with the photos of the meals on offer.'

'Seems a bit petty, Terry.'

'But at the time, it seemed like justice.'

Well, might be worth hearing a bit more about these elusive trainers.

Aye, they're the must-have item this season, bit like perms used to be.

I think that was just footballers, Terry.

Yes? Hi. My friend here has something for you. Er, hello, we were here last night,

and, erm, I got home and somehow I ended up with this.

I only hope it wasn't too confusing for your customers.

I mean, I wouldn't recognise a kofta unless I saw a picture of it!

Beautiful photography, by the way. Spot on.

Oh, you haven't seen my rucksack, have you?

Rucksack? No rucksack here, no.

Oh, come on, you got your kebab poster back.

I think what my friend means is,

if it's not too much trouble, perhaps you could have another look?

I've already told you, no rucksack here.

OK, I see.

Perhaps, er, this will refresh your memory?

75 pence?

75 pence?

It's a fortune to these people.

Well, go on, then, have a look.

I'm telling you for the last time, innit, no rucksack here!

And I'm telling you, we can't think where else we might've left it.

There they are, there's your trainers!

Oh, come on, get 'em off, love! These are my momma's trainers.

Oh, don't be stupid, come on, hand 'em over.

Salak!

Oh, actually on second thoughts, I think we'd better make a move.

Salak!

I definitely need those trainers, mate...

you're gonna have to get me a new pair.

Don't worry, I'll give you the money.

Who said anything about you paying for 'em?

You're hardly gonna cough up for 'em.

Er, what's that supposed to mean? No, you can put that away as well.

I think I can scramble together enough pennies

to buy a pair of plimsolls, thank you very much. How much are they?

200 quid.

200 quid? That's fine.

Oh, he talked himself into that one, Terry.

A bit silly really, when you consider his last paid job

was writing the programme notes for Leyton Orient.

That's right, he falsified an interview with masseur Mike Lorensen,

ranking in order of preference the players Mike most enjoyed rubbing down.

Which led to some rather unfortunate chants from the away fans.

'But he's not exactly snapped into action, has he, Terry?'

'No, but he's got the best part of a week till the party,

'so he's watching this fascinating First Division mid-table battle.'

'Yes, he looks a very happy man there.

'He's got his pint of strong lager, his packet of crisps,

'but oh, no! Here's Anna.'

'Oh, that's a mistake he's not going to get away with...

'pretending he's not seen her.'

'Let's have a look at some Anna stats.

'No phobias, so quite fearless, although occasionally has nightmares

'that she's gained weight.

'Oh, here she comes, Terry!'

Pete?

Thought it was you. Oh, hello, Anna.

What are you doing here?

I'm just around the corner with Rob. Didn't you see me at the bar?

No.

Are you sure? Cos I saw you.

You were staring directly at me.

I thought you were gonna say something, then you just turned away.

Oh, it's my eyes. I really need some glasses.

But you seem to be watching the telly OK.

Well, I need them for distances.

But that is distance.

Ah...

Well, the truth is I was actually just miles away.

Then what was all that eyesight stuff?

I dunno.

I-I think I was probably just embarrassed