Extended Family

.

OK, Saint Patrick is up.

Let our annual official celebration begin.

All hail everything Irish.

- Grandpa, is it true that Saint Patrick's Day

is a legal holiday in Boston because Irish people

are all alcoholics and the government

doesn't want kids walking home from school

through rivers of Irish puke?

100%.

* It's true *

* The marriage that we once had now is through *

* And now we're doing all that we can do *

* To keep us all together as a crew *

* Just do as we say, not as we do *

* We really thought that we were done *

* But we've just begun *

- Listen, Jimmy, you are an Irish American.

That means uninformed people are gonna say untrue things

about your heritage all your life,

especially on Saint Patrick's Day.

They're gonna say your people are drunks.

Pug-faced potato eaters.

- Humorless, uptight Catholic girls.

- Leprechauns who hoard yellow moons, blue diamonds,

and green clovers.

Mouth-breathing knuckle draggers

looking for a fight.

Your job-- - Is to punch them in the face.

No.

I want you both to always remember

that you come from a great people.

And for the record, March 17th, Saint Patrick's Day,

it marks an event called Evacuation Day.

- Where Bostonians celebrate Saint Patrick

by evacuating their stomachs?

- No, it's the day that British forces

retreated from Boston,

giving George Washington his first victory

of the Revolutionary War.

Why did they retreat?

Because of all the puke?

There was no puke.

The British were beaten.

Until they puked?

Hey, y'all.

- Hey, Trey. - Hey, Trey.

- Jimmy Jr. forgot his backpack in the car.

- When he was little, Mom and Dad

used to leave him in the car.

- Hey, who's the "Lord of the Rings" fan?

I love me some Gandalf.

That's who he reminds me of.

Thank you, Trey, for reducing

Ireland's beloved Saint Patrick to a senile warlock.

- Dad loves Saint Patrick's Day.

- I love Saint Patrick's Day too.

The Celtics have always had

a Saint Patrick's Day fundraiser,

and this year, for the first time,

I get to host it.

We got A-listers, big-money donors.

We're blowing it out for the Higgins Hospital for Children.

This year, I'm telling you right now,

the Celtics are gonna own Saint Patty's Day.

Saint Patrick's Day.

That's what I meant.

- You said Patty, P-A-T-T-Y,

which is a nickname for Patricia.

However, Paddy, P-A-D-D-Y,

is a nickname for Pádraig, or Patrick.

Well, what's the difference?

What's the difference between the letter T and the letter D?

You dell me, Drey Daylor.

Douché.

OK, I stand corrected.

Saint Paddy's Day.

But look, we're gonna have top-notch

Irish-themed entertainment and catering.

- Is there such a thing as top-notch Irish catering?

- I've never even come across mid-notch Irish catering.

- Well, we're gonna have shamrocks and green balloons

and gift bags with bottles of Jameson

and Irish Spring soap.

We're gonna have family-sized boxes

of Lucky Charms.

We're gonna get paddy wagon photo booths

so everyone can have their own mug shots

like Irishmen of yore.

And check this out.

We hired a local band who released a track

that a chatbot wrote after scouring the internet

for the answer to the prompt,

what does it mean to be Irish?

Take a listen.

* Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey *

* Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lay *

* It's how we end the evening *

* And how we start the day *

* Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey *

* Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-li *

* We can't live without it *

* So we'll drink until we die *

- I think I've heard enough.

.

* Fighting, fighting *

* Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-loo *

* If you had your Irish up *

* You'd be throwing punches too *

* Talking, talking, talking *

* Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lee *

* We can talk your ear off *

* So come have a drink with me *

* Drink and fight and talk all night *

* And dum-dum, diddle-diddle-dee *

* Have another swig and do an Irish jig *

* Get your Irish up like me *

See?

Perfectly beautiful Irish song.

- I'm gonna get a phone call.

- You're not gonna get a phone call.

- So I imagine you were surprised to get my call.

Jim, if this is about

the "Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey" song--

- A song that should be entitled

"Reductive Stereotype in the Key of C."

You got Gandalf and the cereal leprechaun

and the paddy wagon.

The only thing you left out

was "Danny Boy." - I love "Danny Boy."

- Written by a butter-loving Englishman

about an Irish father who will never see his son again,

probably because of the English.

- Jim, I understand how you feel.

As an Italian-American, I used to be proud of Columbus Day.

- Right, but if it is ever revealed that, like Columbus,

Saint Patrick went to foreign lands to terrorize the locals,

then I will stop honoring him.

- The point, I think, is that there are

knowledge gaps on all sides.

Right, But you never hear

about the Irish understanding gap.

They're always, you know, doing shots and hurling insults

and rolling in clichés.

- Including lots of Irish people.

I mean, look at this place.

- OK, my dad may not be as sensitive

to this issue as I am.

Green beer coming through.

Faith and begorrah.

- But because he's Irish, that's OK.

I mean, if he was hosting the Celtics gala

on Saint Patrick's Day, he could stand up and yell,

"Welcome, ya Guinness-swilling, short-tempered

peat-moss burners," and no one would care.

But he's not hosting. You are.

- I think Jim may be actually trying to help you.

No.

No.

- I mean, you skipped your pickleball game

to have this conversation.

- I did. - Mm-hmm.

- And I love pickleball. - You do.

- I mean, you could be competent

the very first time you play.

I did skip it to be here.

Like a friend would.

Oh, my God.

I think she's right.

Mm-mm.

- Is it possible that we might be becoming...

friends?

- I mean, it doesn't feel like friendship.

But it does have the markers of it.

I mean, here I am, sitting here,

listening to you for the first time

like your opinion matters.

This is a big moment.

- OK, OK, so I have a new friend,

but I still got a problem.

The gala is six days away,

and I see that it's full of land mines.

And I might not be the right person

to know how to defuse them.

- Well, what if we built on this new friendship

and Jim brought his wealth

of cultural and historical knowledge

to help keep you land mine-free?

You'd do that, Jim?

Interesting idea.

Don't just criticize.

Pitch in.

I don't know that I've ever tried that.

I've never seen you do it.

- OK, I got to admit that I was triggered

by most of your party plans.

But maybe that's the problem with this world.

So you'll help, Jim?

On one condition.

I want to be named