Family Guy

Hey, guys, I didn't know you were coming

to the church raffle.

I will confess a mix-up to you.

I thought Donna said we were going to the "church waffle."

And we're only here for the fantasy weekend at Fenway park.

Fenway park?

Oh, yeah, the winner and a friend get to hang out

and practice with retired Red Sox players

and then play in a real game, right on the field at Fenway.

Oh, my god, that's always been a dream of mine!

Well, that and tuning a guitar in front of a live audience.

This was in perfect tune when they handed it to me.

Next up, our fantasy weekend for two at Fenway park.

Oh, man, this is it!

And the winner is... Peter Griffin!

Holy crap, I won!

Wow, good for you! Congratulations!

I like it when people say your name out loud!

How exciting, Peter.

A weekend trip to Boston.

Yeah, and the best part is,

I don't even have to get on a plane.

I always have trouble at the airport.

Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me, I'm not yours.

He's stealing me!

I'm being stolen!

Excuse me, I think you've got mine.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, hey, quagmire. Hey, Peter.

So I was just baking a coffee cake,

and I figured I'd bring it over,

'cause you like coffee cake.

Wow, thanks.

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

So, who are you taking to Fenway? What?

Well, I was just thinking, you have that extra ticket,

maybe you'd want to...

Peter, before you answer him,

I've got that murdered jogger's Discman you wanted last week.

Still bloody.

Hi, Peter.

You know how you like $40 cash?

Well, here's almost $40 cash.

Guys, look, I know you all want to go,

but I-i need a little more time to figure this out.

I mean, I-it's a tough decision.

Like what to do with that big watermelon I bought.

Griffin, I just wanted to tell you...

...that's a great outfit.

Keep it up.

I knew it.

I have to start trusting myself more.

Man, I don't envy you.

Whichever one of them you bring to Fenway,

the other two will be mad at you.

I don't want to bring any of them.

Those guys are all way better than me at baseball.

They'd just show me up and ruin it for me.

Why don't you bring Lois?

She doesn't care about baseball,

and that way nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Brian, that's a great idea.

Thanks.

Is it new-tennis-ball great?

It's three-new-tennis-balls great.

I'm gonna get 'em all, I'm gonna get 'em all,

I'm gonna get 'em all!

Mom, you're really going to Boston?

I didn't even think you liked baseball.

Oh, I'm not going for baseball,

I-I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa,

and two days of being away

from you life-sucking turds.

Anyway, be good.

And while we're gone, Brian's in charge.

Where is Brian?

What's up, bitches?

Oh, come on, mom, really?

I'm in high school,

and you're still putting the dog in charge?

Believe me, Meg, you want me in charge.

Stewie can be a bit of a handful.

He's right, you know.

I'm a total Taurus, stubborn as they come.

All right, fine, Meg.

While we're away, you can be in charge.

Come on, Lois, time to get to Fenway.

Wow, dad, you look awesome.

But I thought you were gonna dress like a baseball player.

I am, Chris.

I'm the type of player who arrives at the stadium

in a suit.

With a tie knot as big as an apple.

That's how you know I got Mon-ay.

All right, we'll see you guys Sunday.

Okay, now you heard mom say I'm in charge,

so I just want to lay a few ground rules. Yeah.

I promise we're gonna have fun,

but there will be a schedule, uh-huh.

Just to keep everything running smoothly. Sure, got to have boundaries.

And I may assign a chore or two, that's great, Meg.

Because it's actually more fun sounds like you got it all worked out.

When everyone pitches in. Hey, by the way...

Ah!

I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.

Look at this, Lois, the Fenway park locker room.

All right, Peter, I'm gonna go.

You want to hand me some cash in front of the other men

so you feel powerful?

Instead, why don't you just take my minions discover card?

Hey, there, sluggers.

Welcome to Red Sox fantasy weekend.

Well, who's this?

We've never had a lady come out for this before.

Oh, no, no, that's my wife, she's just dropping me off.

Yeah, you're nice, but I'm not staying.

I don't know the first thing about baseball.

Look, your spot's already paid for.

And besides, if you leave, the teams will be lopsided.

So, as your coach, I insist you stay and play with us.

Right, fellas?

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, Peter?

What do I think about sharing fantasy baseball camp

with my wife?

Yeah, come on, let her play.

Wow, 1980s all-star Wade Boggs!

Hey, would you mind standing next to a star of today?

Sure.

Man, what happened to our game?

David Ortiz, will you pick him up like a baby?

It's your weekend.

Now let me put this baby bonnet on his head

and a cigar in his mouth.

So, what do you say?

Are you gonna let your wife play?

Absolutely.

Lois, stay here and play with us.

I can't say no to baby Boggs.

Coochie-coochie-coo... ah, he bit me.

Oh, my god, I can't believe I'm here.

Lois, see that wall there?

They call that "the green monster."

And over there's where I threw a d-cell battery at Jose Canseco.

All right, let's play ball.

Wow, you must be excited, Peter.

Yep, guess I can cross this one off my bucket list.

All that's left now is living the pueblo lifestyle.

Peter, what the hell did you do to the house?

I know, it seems pretty lame until you realize I'm 58.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick the foot

of a fleshy, pale woman for real sex 34.

Rupert, what do you think of this fan fiction I wrote?

"Diego pressed Dora against the wall,

"her bosom heaving,

"her hot Latina breath on his face.

For once, Diego was going to do the exploring."

Whew, just reading it... Muy caliente.

Okay, Stewie, time for you to get dressed.

Yeah, a closed door means "come in," I guess.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Let's pick out a cute shirt for you.

Then I thought we can go to the park.

Or, how about this?

I press my butt against the wall and dook on it?

Stewie!

Don't do that!

You're messing with my schedule,

so I'm giving you wall poo.

Stop that right now.

You just earned a time-out.

A what? Let go of me!

Don't you walk away!

Hey, don't bruise me, I'm going dancing later.

You listen to me, you little monster,

I take abuse from everybody around here,

but I am not gonna take it from you.

Now sit here until I say you can get up.

And if you move one muscle before then,

I'll smack you in your weird head.

Hey, it's not weird.

Mom says it's distinctive.

Griffin, you're up.

It's always the fat one.

I heard that.

I said it right to you.

You know what?

Let's just get Lois up to bat.

Where's Lois?

I'm right here, coach.

Guess you don't have a lot of babes out here.

Except for babe Ruth.

Babe Ruth. Ha!

That's funny 'cause she's hot.

Ah, it's a little like tennis.

Uh, did you see that, Peter?

I'm doing it all!

Damn it. This is supposed to be my weekend.