I Love You, America

Afghani--Lib--Turk--

Wait a minute.

What am I doing?

I'm listing kinds of people?

I-I'm categorizing human beings

and putting them into little individual boxes.

I mean, whether I mean it or not,

I'm part of the problem.

Well, that's-- yeah, that's easy for me to say.

I mean, I can walk into any encounter with the police

assuming they're gonna serve and protect me.

That's my luxury. That's called white privilege.

You know, a few years ago, I was sitting around,

and I go, "Wow, there's a real epidemic

of cops murdering unarmed black teenagers."

And then I realized... that's not an epidemic.

That's how it's always been.

I'm just aware of it now because of social media.

And I was so fucking ashamed.

And... fuck! I just wanna be a good ally.

How can I be a good ally?

It's not my job to teach you how to be a good ally.

Right. No. I know. You're right, of course.

But there's no way I can know

unless someone whose experience I could never understand

- is willing to-- - Sarah. Seriously?

Take a class or something. I'm busy.

I'm not all black people. I'm just me.

I'm just Retta.

Uh... I said California, right?

I mean Native Americans.

Oh! First Americans.

Oh, I can't keep up.

I said I can keep up.

Ha-ha. I'm great!

Jesus Christ, there's so many cornfields.

We make so much corn.

This is crazy. Holy shit! Fuck!

To America's pussy, the Grand Canyon!

You know, sometimes I just-- I get really, really mad at you

and the stupid shit that you do

and how you vote for these rich fucks

that lie to your faces and then systematically rape you

of your rights and your job and your health care,

and then you call me Hollywood elite?

Dude, I'm from fucking New Hampshire.

And you're mad at me for wanting the best for you

and for getting pissed

when you vote against your own best interests?

I'm caring about you.

I'm condescending to you.

Oh.

Hey, it's my buddy and yours,

Sarah Silverman!

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you.

Hi, everybody. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you. Whoa, first show!

What's it gonna be? I don't know!

Sometimes it's just gonna be

aggressively dumb and silly,

and sometimes it'll be super funny.

But, of course, that's subjective.

And, uh...

sometimes it's gonna be totally earnest,

and you'll go into it expecting it to be funny

and you'll be like...

And then you'll be like, "Oh."

That's why I want to manage your expectations,

because when we don't know what to expect,

our brains naturally kind of, like,

fill that gap with something,

and you all are shittier writers than me.

So you're gonna

imagine something, and you'll get tied to

whatever shitty thing you're imagining,

and it's not gonna be that.

So, really, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment

if you came into this with any idea of how it should be.

I mean, what are you imagining? What's a...

like, what's a first show bit

in your adorable pedestrian minds, like, uh...

"Ooh, I'm so nervous. My friend told me

I should picture the audience naked."

Some bit like that? Um...

No, no, it's great. It's...

I can tell you why you thought of it.

It's because you've seen it before on television.

It's, uh... it's a very well-trodden premise,

especially in, like, first episodes of shows.

But, no, I don't need to imagine the audience naked.

I'm not nervous. I've been doing this awhile.

And, uh-- but I would like to

see some actual naked people, um, because we can.

We're streaming. So why not test the limits

of what we can do and see what's what?

So I brought in a couple naked people.

- Hi. - Hi.

Yeah.

Okay, so your name is Scott.

- Yep. - Hi, Scott.

And, uh, and these are your pubes, et al?

Yep.

This is so exciting, you know?

We're on Hulu, and the human body

isn't something that Hulu deems unviewable,

so here is Scott's pubic hair and his penis.

Does it make for better TV? Probably not.

But I find it interesting, our taboo human outer shells.

- Great penis, Scott. - Thank you.

Isn't it-- it's interesting, right?

Because that's jarring. It was jarring.

And, uh... and we've all seen nudity,

but it's always sexualized. And it's funny,

because it's actually jarring to see clinical nudity,

like there is a penis.

Yeah. All right. Wait.

This might be a good time to do this.

There are gonna be some moments on this show

when you feel uncomfortable,

and for that, I've got you covered.

Because, you know, sometimes it is gonna be a lot,

and it's not necessarily gonna be what you're used to.

So what we're gonna do is have a white man at a desk,

just your average, run-of-the-mill

late-night talk show host to go to

whenever things get a little uncomfortable.

This is, um...

And this is not me being condescending,

by the way. I get it.

I need to watch a "Law & Order" to get to sleep every night,

even though I've seen every episode a thousand times.

I need it. I need that familiarity.

I cannot fall asleep unless it's to the gentle tones

of soft-core murder ripped from the headlines of 1993.

I can't.

And for a lot of people, that nighttime comfort

is late-night talk shows.

So if things get a little bit... too obscure,

we've got, um...

Can we cut over to the white guy at the desk?

Okay.

So this is Mather.

And whenever things veer off the beaten path,

all we have to do is just cut over to Mather,

and he will bring us back

to the relatable comfort of familiarity.

- Isn't that right, Mather? - That's right, Sarah.

We've got a great show coming up tonight.

We've got Sarah visiting a family in Louisiana

and an interview with Megan Phelps-Roper!

Big show!

That is right. Okay, so where were we?

Oh! Stella, hi. Okay.

So you are Stella. Hi, Stella.

- Hi, Sarah. - And, of course,

these are your boobs.

- Fun. - Yes.

I feel like we should censor...

We should censor something, right?

Like, something should be taboo,

like hands-- hands. Hands are filthy.

We don't know where hands have been.

Show me those dirty digits, Stella.

Oh, God, gross!

Blur those things out! Yeah!

Gah-ross! Fingers go into butts!