Take Me to Tarzana

- -

- Hello, Teleplex Corporate headquarters. -

Morning, Jane.

Aren't we the early bird?

- Morning, Mr. Schmeltz. Thanks for noticing. - Oh!

Early bird gets my worm.

- Excuse me? - What?

Hey, where's that competitive analysis

on those tampon thingies?

Huh? I mean, a man can't be doing that.

It looks a little weird.

You'll have the report in the next hour.

Okay, great.

You look great.

You look great.

Hey, listen.

My office door is always open for you, okay?

Work hard, everybody!

Pig.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Miles, do you have any napkins?

Miles, do you have any napkins?

Yeah. Yeah, um...

Here.

It's just coffee. It'll come out.

It's not just coffee, it's...

You know, you don't have to take that from him.

Right. And what will happen if I plant to heel in his groin?

Any ideas on how to get my monthly student loans paid?

- You can't even see the stain. - It's okay.

Thanks for trying.

Gonna get back to work now.

Right, I'm swimming!

Oh, shit. What the fuck is that?

Enter!

She's got a nice ass.

- Morgan. - Whoa!

Mr. Schmeltz. Remember, there's an order around here.

- We can't all be minions. - Uh...

This company doesn't make two billion a year

without a hierarchy to be maintained, right?

Mr. Schmeltz, here's the market share report you requested.

All right, let's see what we got.

This is the one about the penis, hmm?

What are you doing? You're being passive aggressive.

Sit down. Weirdo.

Okay.

This is...

This is embarrassing.

What the hell is this?

What did you do? I mean...

Did I ask for toilet paper?

- Sir? - No, I asked for a data model

on our pharma client, Pharex.

So why did you give me something for wiping my ass? Huh?

This shit isn't even formatted properly.

I mean, can you comply with company protocol, huh?

- It's trash. - I, uh...

I mean, you might very well be the worst data analyst

we've ever had at this company.

You're killing me, man.

What's wrong with your brain? Are you a dickwad, Miles?

- It's just a rough draft. - Buddy!

You give me final drafts. Rough drafts?

I want smooth drafts, like... Like a baby's ass drafts.

Now, let me be candid.

I wanna know who's popping what pills and where.

Which antidepressants is Ann Gertrude on,

and what can we get her hooked on next?

Which boomer pills are selling like M&M's?

Which cheer captain is about to go off the pill

and get preggers, right?

I mean, you take this pile of shit

and you flush it down the toilet

with the rest of the shit in the world.

I want a new pile of shit on my desk in the morning.

Do you got that? And what do I want it to be?

A final draft. Okay?

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Man, I didn't become boss by jerking people off, right?

I leave th... Sit down!

I leave that shit to the interns.

I jerked myself off. You got me?

Get out of here.

Man, you got the personality of a stale cracker.

Miles!

You grew up in a barn, son, huh?

- Shut the effing door, now. -

I'm the guy in the room!

Okay, all, today's scrum is now in session.

Let's talk risks, roadblocks and deadlines.

Jane, what were you working on yesterday?

What are you doing today?

Well, I'm still working on that data analysis for Pharex.

Liners versus tampons, average length of use,

scented versus unscented. Same blood, different day.

Thank you, Jane. Any risk or roadblocks?

The time wasted here at the daily scrum

is my only roadblock.

All right, then.

Miles. How about you?

What were you working on yesterday?

- What are you working on today? -

I have got that predictive modeling report

on Pharex for Schmeltz,

but he just called me a dickwad and threw it in the trash.

It sounds like a parking lot conversation.

Do not need that liability here.

Any other risks or roadblocks?

- - Okay, then.

Mordecai, what were you working on yesterday?

- What are you working on today? - I'm running a full CBA

on the market viability of our Robot Space Army.

What? What's so funny? This is serious stuff.

It is serious. They're not human, and they could turn on us.

What do you think NASA stands for?

Not A Space Army.

- Thank you, Mordecai. -

He said the death star wasn't possible. It happened.

Out of the way, loser! Fuck you!

Fuck!

At least it will cool you off.

- Come on, Summer. -

Can you stop, please? God!

- Miles, my man! - Hey, Javi.

How's your day going so far, man?

Uh, could have been better.

Yeah, man, I hear you on that front.

Dude, you know,

you really shouldn't be buying this stuff.

I mean, legally, they can't even label this crap cheese.

Price is right.

Well, the price is always right here, huh?

Hey, so you getting any pussy?

Uh, no. Not... Not really, man.

Really, dude, 'cause you know I am, man.

'Cause I keep it hot.

Ow!

Sounds dehydrating.

Nah, dude, I drink lots of water.

You know what I mean, huh?

- - Hello, Miles.

Hey, Juanita.

What are you talking about, Javier?

Nothing, Mama, we're just having some friendly guy conversation.

- Oh, really? Friendly guy, huh? - Yeah.

It sounds like a loser conversation to me.

- Oh, here we go. - Por favor, Miles,

don't act like him

because you're gonna end up like my...

My God. I mean, you wouldn't want that, would you?

I mean, would you like to have your mama as your boss?

Forever and ever?

I'd really just like to get these things and get out of here.

Mama, go away. Miles doesn't wanna hear this.

Yes, he would like to hear this.

You know, you haven't been on a date for, like, over a year.

- Please go. - Oh, fuck. Shut up.

Yeah. Hey, what do you say we go out tonight, Miles?

Grab a drink.

Mack on the ladies. What do you say?

Uh, look, man, I wish I could,

but I just got... I got a lot of work to do, so I will finish off.

Okay. Okay. Hey, hey,

let me know if you change your mind though, huh?

I'll be your wingman.

- - Thank you, man.

Mama, why do you got to embarrass me like that

- in front of Miles? -

Hey, Dizzy.

You have a good day?

Anything good happened while I was gone?

- -

Knock, knock.

What's up, bro?

- Catch. -

Great catch.

Do you ever think about how fucked up the world is?

Like, actually how fucked up it is?

Yeah, look, Jameson, this isn't a good time. I gotta do work.

Do you know that people get Ebola from eating bats?

Like, they eat bats and they get Ebola.

Like, how fucked up is that?

Well, I don't know what news you're reading,

but this really is not a good time.

I gotta get a lot of work done, otherwise I'm gonna lose my job.

Job? How can you think about a job at a time like this

when there is so much fucked up shit going on in the world?

I can think about jobs right now

- because I actually need one to survive. -

I don't have a trust fund to fall back on, unlike you.

You mean my artistic stipend for the novel I'm writing

about the golden age of break dancing?

It's not a stipend if your parents give you money for doing nothing.

I'm not doing nothing.

I'm working out the novel in my head.