Waitress!

I will swallow it.

I'll swallow it!

I'll swallow my pride, Franklin.

Thank you, Ms. Morgan.

Uh, but there's more to the scene.

We'll call ya.

Wasn't I sincere enough?

Wallow. Wallow.

We're not looking for sincere, honey.

We're looking for sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't sexy... handsome,

Maybe, perhaps a little kinky.

We'll call ya..

Look.

Let me do it again.

How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted sexy?

Thank you.

Hey, I can be very sexy.

Ms. Morgan, we'll call you.

So you want sexy, huh?

Is this sexy enough for ya?

Pastrami sandwiches.

Ooh, Franklin, I will swallow it.

I'll be a real woman.

Woo!

Ooh!

Look at that!

Well, there is the part of, uh, Heber... Her... uh, Herbert...

Herbert Hoover's French maid.

If you'd like to step up into my office,

Uh, to discuss the contract, of course.

Thanks.

I'll call you.

Swallow my ass.

Hey,.

Ahh!

She really had tits.

Hey.

You know, what I wanted wasn't on that menu.

If it's not on the menu, then we don't have it.

Somebody hungry.

No!

Hya!

Ya.

Put on my best dress, baby.

I put on the perfume you'll like.

We're gonna forget about this day of work,

Cause we're going out dancing tonight.

I don't have all of the answers, but I know what's wrong

And what's right.

And when I get happy...

Bill, table number 11's pissed off.

Put some more vodka in the Martini.

Got to start dancing tonight.

Waitress!

There's a splinter in my cottage cheese.

Well, at these prices, what did you expect, the whole cottage?

Listen,.

We have a salad on table number 11.

Uh, the salad is go for dressing insertion.

Looks delicious.

Mmm.

Oh.

Get two.

Will you just look at these hands?

I don't know why you insist on using such a strong detergent.

That's because our brand makes your whites whiter.

Now get back to work.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you free?

No, but I'm not very expensive, either.

I've got to be good.

I'm only making ends meet.

Oh, lord,.

When I hear music, I know that I am saved.

Oh, my.

table number 11.

control.

Oh.

Well, now, now, now, now, now, baby.

Hey.

How was the audition?

Great, but my boobs had all the lines.

Ooh.

It must have been a helluva delivery.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Hey, I'm working, remember?

You wanna come over to my house and play after work?

Sorry.

No time.

Why?

I've got more auditions tonight.

You know, if you got paid for auditioning, you'd be rich.

Reminder, only non-dressed materials are

Included in any salad format.

Mature Teen Magazine.

May I help you?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I'm Jennifer Martin.

I won second prize in the short story contest

That Mature Teen Magazine sponsored.

Oh, Ms. Martin.

Go right in.

Ms. Cully's expecting you.

OK.

Thank you.

Uh,?

Thanks.

clouds and the sunset

Looked like instant mashed potatoes

And Momma's electric blender.

I only wrote what I saw back home in Indiana.

We can't use it.

Not use my story?

I said I liked your style, not your subject matter.

Nobody's going to slap down $2 for a story about Indiana.

Oh, shit.

My masseuse didn't come again today.

Jeff, come over here while we talk.

Help me get these kinks out.

But I don't know...

Oh.

Oh, come on.

People want to know what's going down in New York and LA.

Last month we ran a feature on where

To find single men in New York.

Our magazine sales soared.

I want you to do the follow-up... Actually go on a man hunt,

And use this article as a guide.

You want me to go and pick up men?

Not just pick them up.

You're going to write an article about catching

A man in the big city.

But I'm no good around people.

That's why I started writing.

I mean, I get so nervous, even my shadow uses a deodorant.

Ah!

That's the whole point.

If you can find a good man using this guide, anyone can.

I've even got a cover for you... a disguise.

You're going to be working the type of job

That the average small town girl would take in New York,

As a waitress.

Working in a restaurant?

That means meeting new people every day...

Oh, and touching all that food, the roast beef, and...

Martin, this is the chance of a lifetime.

Your wardrobe.

Good luck, Martin.

This city is full of men waiting for you.

But what will I say to them?

What every girl has said to ever man

Since the beginning of time.

Oh, I have a headache.

Headache?

Young lady, did I hear you say headache?

Here.

Hold on just a second, here.

Here.

Take two of these, don't work too hard,

And, uh... call me in the morning.

Thanks.

I guess it's first-day jitters or something.

You're gonna have to pay for the, uh... uh,.

I'm so sorry.

Ahh!

That'll teach you to break a date with me,

Simpson!

Put an insect bomb in the house mother's feminine hygiene

Spray, filling Dean Carlisle's with sand,

Plotting to blow up our sewage plant

By organizing an everyone flush your toilet

At the same time day.

And now, this... Fire-hosing a boy's dorm.

Mr. Cavendish, we must ask you to take your daughter home.

So I'm a little sparky.

Lindsay, the was spanky.

You are dangerous!

Does this mean you won't send me to Vassar?

I couldn't get you into Vassar with a crowbar!

Hey hot pants!

When you coming back?

What would your poor mother say, God rest her soul?

this many years.

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Oh, young lady, I've been thinking

About this a long time.

And now I've finally decided... I'm putting you to work

In one of my restaurants. Work?

Don't go any further, Father.

Oh, no, Daddy.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't do what what you always said to do.

Oh, no, no.

Please, please, please.

You wouldn't really make me be a...

Waitress.

Oh god.

The Mature Teen Guide to Picking Up Men.