The Nanny

Oh, I can't believe you saw Maggie

and her new boyfriend smoking cigarettes.

Well, I'm just glad she wasn't smoking

because they just had... You know.

She's too young to... You know.

Believe me, kids nowadays are you-knowing before you know it.

So what are you gonna do, tell Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, no. I could never betray Maggie's trust like that.

Then she'd start telling on me.

No. I've got a better idea.

I am going to let Mr. Sheffield

catch me smoking right in front of Maggie.

Oh, Fran, that is a brilliant idea.

You don't get it, do you, Val?

No.

When Maggie sees Mr. Sheffield reaming me out,

she's gonna be so petrified

she's never gonna want to smoke again.

Oh, here they come.

Oh, boy, does this bring back memories.

You miss smoking?

No.

I miss you-knowing.

Sweetheart, you want a cup of...

Miss Fine, what the devil are you doing?

Oh, my God! Mr. Sheffield.

I didn't expect you to come home and catch me.

Don't you hate when that happens?

Have you lost your mind?

Oh, I know.

Smoking in front of the children?

Oh, I know.

Well, I've always known you weren't too bright,

but of all the stupid things you've ever done...

I... What'd you say?

You think I'm stupid?

Well, I'd love to find some other explanation,

but there doesn't seem to be one.

Look, there may be somebody stupid in this room,

but it sure ain't me.

What did I do?

Do you know who you are speaking to?

Yeah.

I'm speaking to the guy that if he doesn't take back what he just said,

he's gonna be looking for a nanny.

I've been looking for one for the last three bloody years.

I am out of here. And Niles feels the same way, too.

Tell him, Niles.

Who loves you, baby?

Um, Dad, if you and Fran split up,

uh, who do we live with?

Me, sweetheart.

Oh.

Find her!

Dad, you know, I really just cannot believe

that you called her a moron,

threw her out in the snow without a winter coat.

I did no such... Who told you that?

Does it really matter where the boy,

who has a Playboy hidden in the hamper, heard it?

I never said "moron".

But you must admit she has done some things

that would qualify her as the fourth Stooge.

Shave him.

All right.

You're the doctor.

What are you doing?

Well, I have no idea.

I mean, the man has a slight five o'clock shadow,

but it's not like he's going to a bar mitzvah.

Shave him for surgery!

Well, where do you want me to shave him? Oh!

You know, I'll be back in a minute.

I have a girl that does a bikini wax.

Now!

Oh, all right.

Bucking for a raise?

Or perhaps she behaves the way she does, sir,

because you intimidate her.

You're always yelling at her.

I most certainly am not.

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine! You've got some 'splaining to do.

Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?

Time flies when you're being unreasonable...

Sir.

Oh, how can anyone be expected to get any work done

without that door flying open and someone barging in?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you,

but we've got a problem, and, boy, you are never gonna guess this one.

Niles, do you need to speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir. I simply wanted to be here

in person for this one.

Brighton was in gym class.

And, well, when he looked around,

compared to all the other boys, he's small.

Small?

You know, like in, petite.

Poquito.

Gherkin.

Hello, friend.

You're sitting on John Malkovich.

I don't hear him complaining.

You are going to rectify this situation.

Wow! That sounds painful. Mmm.

Yes.

Thanks to you, in eight weeks,

the curtain goes up on a six-foot, 300-pound stage manager with a Mohawk

singing, "Consider yourself one of us."

Well, all right. What do you have in mind?

You're gonna talk him back into the show.

Oh, but Mr. Sheffield...

No buts, Miss Fine.

You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing,

take him to the best restaurant in town,

and order the most expensive thing on the menu.

Well, all right, but I'm not taking the limo.

Oh, yes, you are.

Slave driver!

But there is no way you're gonna buy me a new dress.

Get out!

Sir, it's obvious you miss Miss Fine.

She's probably at her mother's.

Why don't you just call?

I most certainly will not.

Mr. Sheffield, I haven't heard from Fran

since you called her a brainless, big-haired shmegegi.

Fran is a very sensitive girl.

You should take a lesson from me.

I know how to talk to her.

Ma, these are not Fran's children.

Fran doesn't have any children.

She's not married. She's all alone.

Louder, Ma. I don't think they heard you in Uruguay.

Still, their side never did as well as us.

What well? My daughter's a maid.

Nanny, Ma.

Never mind me. Have the party wherever you want.

Oh, Ma, you're just saying that

to try and make me feel guilty.

I'm not trying to make you feel anything.

Feel this. Is this a lump here?

I am so upset about this whole thing I can't even eat.

This is between you and my daughter. I don't like to mix in.

Miss Fine, I think you're very wise

not to rush into this.

You're far too sensible a woman to marry a man you just...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did this fork accidentally puncture your tuckus?

Maxwell, is it true that you called

Nanny Fine a witless, man-chasing floozy?

I did no such thing.

Oh, then it must have been me.

Oh, kidding aside. I am going to miss Nanny Fine.

We were getting so close.

I'll kill you!

Sir.

You want something, don't you?

Nanny Fine wants something.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, God, this is good!

Are you done?

You want to have a ciggy butt and cuddle now?

Question. When they shot Bambi's mother...

did you find that a sad moment

at all?

Well, I, for one, hope she comes back soon.

I don't like wandering around the house alone.

I can never think of anything to do.

You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.

I'm not apologizing, Niles. I happen to be right.

Well, if she doesn't come back

until we find a new nanny,

you can take care of the children.

Oh, dear God, please let that be her.

Please, please, please.