A Beginner's Guide to Endings

- The events leading up to my death were a lot like the rest of my life.

Things didn't go exactly as planned.

If you asked me what the odds in an amateur hanging

going off without a hitch were, I'd say about one in three.

A few things can happen. Put the noose too high?

Swing for hours.

Too low?

Choke for minutes.

But hit that sweet spot, the neck'II snap just so.

One in three.

Okay...

...one in four.

I was born a gambler.

Cards, dice,

sports, horses.

I'd bet on anything if the odds were right.

But now I’ve lost a bet that cost me more than money.

It”s cost me my family.

My family defies all odds.

Five kids; all boys.

The odds in that?

One in 16.

Five boys from three different women?

One in 300.

Staying married to my first wife through that?

Somewhere south of zero.

That's my eldest son, Nuts.

Born during a heat wave.

His mother says that's what gives him his temper;

but.. I think the kid was born with a sour disposition.

Nuts wasn't one for school.

All he ever wanted to be was a pro boxer

But... well...

things didn't go exactly as planned.

That's my second boy, Cal.

Poor kid inherited my weakness for women.

I knew pretty early on when he found a way to join an all-girls prep school.

Now that one cost me a small fortune.

Come Christmas, he shows up with a different gal each year

And let's just say he's got a type.

After Cal came my third boy, Jacob.

Smart, organized.

Holds down a real job.

Huh. Y know, when you say it all together like that,

makes me wonder if he”s mine after all.

Now, I'm no saint.

Fact is, I'd probably catch on fire if I ever did step foot in church.

So long story short:

her name was Champagne.

And nine months later; boy number four shows up on my doorstep.

The kid's got a lot of heart.

Everyone calls him Juicebox because, well...

...I wouldn’t call a kid slow, but...

___well, he's got a big heart

Goldie forgave me for Champagne.

But you know what they say;

fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, you're divorced.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.

A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.

After what became colorfully known as the Saigon Incident,

Goldie, quite understandably, left me.

But she never stopped being a good mom to the boys,

even the ones that weren’t hers.

And that's my family.

The most unlikely bunch you'll ever chance upon.

And seeing as I'd sooner die than see any harm come to them...

_..today's gonna be the last day of my life.

The odds of surviving a trip over Niagara Falls are long.

It”s happened exactly once.

Back in '53, some kid lucked out

But he had an adult-sized life jacket on, so I'm not sure it counts.

Now that's hot to knock what the Ht' tiger went through,

but a boy that small in a life jacket that big?

The kid's practically a fuckin' pontoon.

But I don't want to beat the odds here.

For once, I want them stacked against me.

Just like I stacked them against my oldest boys.

So I need a miracle.

For my family.

For fate to erase the weight of all my misdeeds.

A reversal of fortune.

A resurrection.

A real, bona-fide miracle.

But I don't believe in miracles.

I know that it's time

And you’re staying in

La Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

And you’re staying home

And I'm all alone

La Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

Wontcha wontcha wontcha bring a little water

Bring a little wine

Bring a little lovin'

And I feel fine

I know that you want to

And I know that you do

Come in here and love with me

It”s thunder and rain

But it's all the same

La Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

Ha I'm paying for this call

And I don't mind at all

La Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

Wontcha wontcha wontcha bring a little water

Bring a little wine

Bring a little lovin'

And I feel fine

I know that you want to

And I know that you do

Come in here and love with me

- We're gathered here to mourn the passing of Edward...

"Duke" White.

Some of us knew him.

Some of us loved him.

And apparently some of us are just here for the free donuts.

Ahem.

Duke... never did anything the normal way,

so... it's no surprise we don't have a body to bury.

Move.

-And, of course, Duke wasn't much for church.

In fact, only time he ever got anywhere near the Bible

was when he swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but.

In case you were wondering, he... he didn't.

So instead of reading Bible verse,

I'm gonna recite the lyrics

to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird_

- Mom didn't show? - We couldn't get a hold of her.

Why are you late? - Flight was delayed

and I had a detour on the highway.

- What was her name? - Candyanna.

- Even her name makes me wanna put on a condom, or strip.

- Would you two shut up? We're at a goddamn funeral.

- it's okay. - "Lord knows I can't change.

"Lord help me...

I can't change."

Ahem. Now I'd like to have Duke's five boys come up here

and place a personal memento in the coffin.

He was...

...the best brother a man could have.

He was the worst father a man could have.

- A bus pass? - I didn't know

we were supposed to bring presents.

That's my watch.

- Please don't make a big deal about this. - That's my watch.

- Do not make a big deal about it! - Don't! Cal! Get the fuck off, Cal!!!

- Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter with you?

You should be ashamed of yourself, throwin' punches like that!

Snap the wrist.

I'm a crawler baby

Well l crawl right after you

I'm the crawler baby

I crawl right after you

- Breaks my heart we had to trot out OI' Rusty.

Come Christmas dinner, there's Rusty.

Everybody's birthday party, you know Rusty's gonna be invited.

But... OI' Rusty at your father's funeral?

This family's got a certain reputation,

and tonight you boys pretty much cemented ii.

Think we can get through the reading of the will

without having to call a paramedic? - I can.

- Shut up. - You know what?

I gotta take a piss. I'll be right back.

- Alright, where's the, uh... waitress in this place?

Thank you! Um, but I'd rather you sprayed mace

into my mouth. But...

I will let you try this very nice single-malt scotch I discovered.

- You discovered it? - Yeah.

Yeah? You fucking Magellan?

Circumnavigating the globe in Search of flavour?

Don't put on airs with me, okay? we seen you drink lighter fluid.

- I remember that. It made you weird.

- I dunno what you're talking about. it's good, isn't it?

- lt's___ pretty good. - Bottoms up.

Jacob, what happens when we die?

Uh, wow. Ahem.

I don't know, Todd.

What I do know is that good guys like you go to heaven.

Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?

He was a good... yes, he was a...

He was a good...

Uh... you know what, buddy?

Don't worry about ii.

He's probably not even dead. He's only been gone for two weeks.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

- Don't do mat. - Don't do what?

- Don't give him false hope. .Just bear the kids feelings--

- You want me to think about the kid... This coming from...

I remember when the two of you

put XS and Os all over his face with permanent marker.

He went to school and they called him Tic Tac Todd!

- That was a decade ago! How do you even remember that?

Are you used to holding onto small things?

- That's hilarious. - See what I did right there?

When I said "small things," I meant something different?

- 'Kay, guys, got some drinks here. - I meant your penis.

Beer.

- Thank you. - OJ... and a Mini Julep.

- Uh, you know what, doll? Actually, this is not a Mint Julep.

- This ain't the Glass Slipper, princess. it's a beer