Seinfeld

You don't wanna visualize your parents having sex.

It's somehow very uncomfortable.

You know they had to have sex at least once to have you.

But you still kind of maintain the image in your head:

"Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it.

I don't know if that actually happened."

That's why if I found I was adopted, that would come as great news.

"I'm adopted? That's great."

I'd be happy to hear that. That means technically...

...it's possible, that my mother and father are just really great friends.

Sex is great, but you don't wanna think your whole life began...

...because somebody had a little too much wine with dinner.

Let me ask you a question.

You're a hostage captured by terrorists.

- Who, me? - You, anybody. Whatever.

You're in the little room. You're chained to the floor.

You're there for a long time.

Do you think they would consider doing laundry?

They have to. It's in the Geneva Convention.

You. Take off your socks and pants. We're doing the wash.

Come on. Take it off. Take it off.

- Hey, Georgie. - Hi.

What's the matter?

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doing what?

You know.

I was alone...

You mean-?

- She caught you? - Where?

I stopped by the house to drop the car off...

...and I went inside for a few minutes.

Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a G/amour magazine. I started leafing through it.

G/amour?

- So one thing led to another. - What did she do?

First she screams, "George, what are you doing? My God!"

Looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether to keep her from falling or zip up.

- What did you do? - I zipped up.

- So she fell? - Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.

- No, I guess you couldn't. - I wouldn't think so.

So she fell, and then she starts screaming, "My back, my back!"

I picked her up. I took her to the hospital.

- How is she? - She's in traction.

- I'm sorry. - It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry. It's serious.

Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days.

All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?"

I said, "Because it's there."

G/amour?

I'll tell you this, though:

I am never doing...

...that again.

What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether?

- Altogether. - Give me a break.

Yeah, right.

- You don't think I can? - No chance.

- You think you could? - I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars?

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Count me in on this.

You? You'll be out before we get the check.

I want in on this.

- No, no. - It's apples and oranges.

- It's different. - Why? Why?

- Because you're a woman. - So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like shaving.

That is such baloney. I shave my legs.

Not every day.

- You wanna be in? - Yeah.

You gotta give us odds. At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200.

No. A thousand.

No. I'll put up 150.

- All right. You're in for 150. - Okay, 150.

How we gonna monitor this?

Obviously, we all know each other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable...

...within the confines of the honour system.

All right. Come on.

No, Ma. I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist.

I don't care if you do pay for it.

No. Discussion over.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Yes, of course I'm gonna come by.

All right.

My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now.

Why? Because she caught me?

You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist...

Yeah...?

Whatever.

- How is she? - Fine. I gotta see her at the hospital.

- Yeah? - It's me.

Come on up.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight? - Date with Marla.

- Oh, the virgin? - Yeah.

Any progress there? What's the latest?

I got my troops amassed along the border.

I'm waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Look at this. Come here. There's a naked woman across the street.

Where?

Second floor from the top. See the window on the left?

Who walks around the house like that?

Maybe she's a nudist. You know those nudist-colony people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me ask you, in these nudist colonies...

...do they eat naked in the dining room?

I would imagine it's all naked.

Are the chambermaids naked too?

They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops.

It's one big nude-o-rama.

- Hey. - Hey.

Well, where's my money? Who caved?

- Not me. - Not me.

- What are you looking at? - A naked woman across the street.

This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

My friend Joyce is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah, well, the waitress should've taken it back.

Then, I got a call this morning. I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.

- We're going to Mars. - Have a good time.

I'm out.

What?

Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

- You're out? - Yeah.

Wow, that was fast.

Well, it was that woman across the street.

You know, you better be careful, buddy. She'll get you next.

And then there were three.

I don't understand you. I really don't.

You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon?

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home and find my son treating his body...

...like it was an amusement park.

Ma...

Don't give me "Ma."It's good I didn't hit the table.

I could have cracked my head open.

People can hear you.

Too bad you can't do that for a living.

You'd be very successful at it.

You could sell out Madison Square Garden.

Thousands of people could watch you.

You could be a big star.

All right. That's enough.

I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!

- Why not? Why won't you go? - Because I don't want to.

- I want you to go see somebody. - Well, I am not going.

It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

Hello, Aunt Estelle.

- Look at you. How did this happen? - Is that important, really?

What is this, a police investigation? She's been through enough.

She has to relive the experience?

Hi, Denise. 6:30, time for your sponge bath.

Is it 6:30 already? I fell asleep.

So, George...

...what are you doing now?

I hear you got some kind of television writing thing.

Yeah. Television.

Let me help you off with that. Here, just slip it over your head.

Well, it's about time.

We thought you were gonna wind up on the street.

So...

...what is it you're doing, exactly?

George, your cousin Shelly is talking to you!

So when was the last time you took a class?

- It's been a while. - Are you psyched?

Yeah. I'm really psyched.

You'll thank me for getting you in here.

- Why is that? - See the guy with the dark hair...

...and the red shorts?

Oh, my God.

John F. Kennedy Jr. is here.

- He's gonna be in your class today. - In my class?

John Kennedy will be in my class?

I can get you a spot right behind him.

He has got a great butt.

Yeah. Butt, butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

- Let's slow it down a little. - Slow it down?

Well, you know.

Yeah. I know.

You're okay with that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

You think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am?

That doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care about that.

- I'll see you Saturday night, then? - Sure. Saturday night.

- All right, then. Good night. - Good night.

Not just a good night. A great night.

Good morning.

Yeah, good morning.

Nothing like some good, solid sack-time.

She's not there.

She's doing her wash.

So did you make it through the night?

Yes, I'm proud to say I did.