I, Claudius

edit and corrections by moviesbyrizzo (incl re-sync start position for HD)

I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus...

Nero Germanicus...

this-that-and-the-other...

who was once, and not so long ago,

better known to my friends and relatives as Claudius the Idiot,

or That Fool Claudius,

or Claudius the Stammerer...

am now about to write this strange history of my life.

Are you there?

Yes, you ’re there. I can feel it.

I can feel your presence, yes.

I knew you would come the moment I began to write.

Yes. It was Inevitable.

It was prophesied by the Sibyl.

Spies! Spies everywhere spying on me.

In my bed, at my prayers, on the street...

Even in the lavatory. Spies!

I’ll cheat them, every one.

It was prophesied by the Sibyl.

I went to Cuma many years ago to consult her.

She was most famous.

Her prophecies had achieved worldwide renown

and she did not consent to see everyone.

Unexpectedly, she consented to see me.

I was terrified.

”0h, Sibyl”, I said,

”I’ve c-come to question you about Rome’s fate and mine. ”

”Hear me, Cl-Cl-Claudius, ” she answered, mocking my stammer.

”Apollo speaks to you through me.

”Listen closely. ”

What groans beneath the Punic Curse

And strangles in the strings of purse

Before she mends must sicken worse.

Ten years, 50 days and three Clau-Clau-Claudius shall given be

A gift that all desire but he.

But when he's dumb and no more here

Nineteen hundred year or near,

Clau-Clau-Claudius shall speak clear.

Yes. That’s what it means.

In nineteen hundred years from now they’ll hear me.

Not before.

No.

A box. I need a box.

I’ll put it all In here. My story

My history of the family. Yes.

And the end of the Republic. Yes.

When I’ve finished, I’ll seal it and bury it where no one will find it.

No. No one.

Not for nineteen hundred years or more.

Then it will turn up suddenly.

People will read it. They’ll Know the truth.

My voice, as the Sybil said, as she prophesied,

for them - not for these fools In Rome,

but for them out there In remote posterity.

For you.

Yes. It will all be in here sealed.

You will find it, I promise you.

I, Claudius,

am now about to begin this strange history of my life...

of my family.

0f Livia, my grandmother.

of Augustus Caesar. of Marcus Agrippa.

Yes. And his hatred for Marcellus.

Excellent! Excellent!

Thallus!

See they're well taken care of. They were splendid.

- Yes, Caesar. - And see they're properly fed.

They'll eat better than the kitchen staff, Caesar.

There's no need to go that far. Better than us will be sufficient.

You know, Marcus, I like to eat sparingly.

There's too much gluttony in Rome - especially at festivals

But this one day is very special. I'd like to make an exception.

And I've got a surprise for you. Two, as a matter of fact.

Thallus!

- Yes, Caesar? - Bring in the cake.

- But it's for the end of the meal. - I want the family to see it.

Do you know what else I've got? Aristarchus of Athens is in Rome.

Oh, Marcus. They say that he's the greatest orator of our time,

and I've asked him to prepare an oration

for the anniversary of the battle of Actium.

- Oh, no! - What? Is it too boring for you?

- We had one last year. - That was last year.

Anyway, the speaker was dull. This man, they say he's wonderful.

"Seven years today sank Antony and his hopes in the harbour of Actium."

How the young mock the battle scars of their elders.

- Battle scars! - A lot of good men died in that battle,

and a lot of good men got scarred. I don't think its right to make light of it.

- He's just being provocative. - Not really.

I just think we exaggerate its significance - that's all.

Now, Marcellus, let's not argue. Marcus...

No. Let's hear what the young genius has to say.

- Well? - Look! Here is the cake.

- Do we get one each? - Julia, for heaven's sake!

- Marcus, do you recognise it? - It's my ship.

- You made it your headquarters. - She was a fine ship.

That must be you, Marcus. The candied cherry in the prow.

Marcellus, please. These things mean something to us.

We're taking ourselves a little seriously.

Not seriously enough.

Livia, isn't that a wonderful cake?

- Wonderful. - Don't you like it?

Bring in the Greek. If you keep him waiting longer, he'll need a shave.

As a matter of fact, he's bearded.

Thallus, bring in the Greek.

- Leave the cake. - Take the cake.

Marcus, they say that he writes a sort of prose hymn.

What can that mean? It's a form I've never heard of.

One of these new Greek inventions.

They're always inventing. Why are they so clever?

If they're so clever, why are they our province instead of vice versa?

- Ah, Aristarchus, welcome. - Hail, Caesar.

I hope we haven't kept you waiting.

Come. We're ready now.

Give us your piece.

Give me your peace, Caesar, and I shall gladly give you mine.

Yes, of course. I'm sorry. Thallus.

Caesar calls for silence!

What a voice. Perhaps we should change places?

Only the Romans can afford ushers with a voice like that.

- Did you have it trained? - I was an actor, sir.

That explains it. Resting, are you?

No, sir. I've given it up.

Everyone's an actor in Rome. There isn't enough work.

And what there is goes to friends. It's the same everywhere.

The theatre isn't what it was.

No. And I'll tell you something else.

It never was what it was.

Thallus, please discuss your personal problems in your own time.

Today is a day to drink and dance!

Let us rival the priests of Mars

with feats to deck the couches of the Gods.

Seven summers past,

the wild queen, Cleopatra,

dreaming her dreams of ruin on your lovely Empire,

sailed her hopes into the harbour of Actium,

and there, with noble Antony, spat curses on the ships of Caesar

and cried, "Sink Rome! And all her minions.

"Egypt's not for conquests!"

But words do not kill and curses sink no ships.

Before she could catch her scented breath, mighty Agrippa...

Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa.

Old friend and commander of the armies of Augustus -

Emperor of Rome and most remarkable man.

But even more remarkable was Livia, his second wife.

If Augustus ruled the world, Livia ruled Augustus.

OctavIa - Augustus’ sister...

mother of Marcellus.

And next to him, Julia, his wife - Augustus’ only daughter.

Augustus was now clearly preferring Marcellus over A grippa.

And Agrippa knew it.

And Antony, once proud Antony,

fearing to be last,

chased her to the very gates of heaven!

Romans! Remember them!

Their fateful deaths grace your lives today with living legend.

Your names and theirs...

in history, will be forever intertwined.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

What a gift you Greeks have.

Incidentally, the battle wasn't like that.

- No? - No, not at all.

But you described it poetically. I understand that.

It was poetic licence. I'm used to that.

I write a little poetry myself. Could I show it to you sometime?

- I'd be honoured, Caesar. - It's nothing professional,

but it's not bad, though I say it myself.

Ah, Thallus has found a place for you.

We'll talk some more later.

Wasn't that beautiful?

He doesn't know about naval battles.

Well, it Wasn't much of a battle, was it?

I beg your pardon?

One wine-soaked lover and his Egyptian whore?

I could have put up a better show myself.

Now, now, Marcellus.

- Let's not fool ourselves. - You know all about it, do you?

Yes. I've studied that battle and I'm not impressed.

It wasn't a famous victory. The result was a foregone conclusion.

- Let's watch the acrobats... - Just a minute!

I won't be taught by kids who've only just learned to piss in a pot.

When you've actually done something, come back and talk to me again.

- If you'll excuse me. - Marcus, it's early.

It seems late to me. Too late.

Perhaps that's because I'm such an old man!

Thallus!

Oh, get rid of them!

Marcus!

Marcus!

My grandmother Livia.

Her mind always turning. Always scheming.

And I - Claudius?

You ask, where am I?

I am not yet born, but will be soon.

Now I must continue with the story of the rivalry between Marcellus and Agrippa.

Yes?

- Yes? - Caesar is asking for you, Lady.

- Yes. I'll come soon. - He says at once.

Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa is with him.