The Boondocks

Siri, how many fans were upset that I sold "Star Wars" to Disney?

Approximately 200 million.

And how many of those fans donated $4 billion to charity?

None of them, George.

When's the next showing of Steven's movie?

The next showing of Mr. Spielberg's movie is 7:30.

Would you like tickets?

Sure, and, uh, do you speak Bocce?

Bocce is a fictional language in the "Star Wars" universe.

It does not exist, therefore I annot speak it.

Siri, who shot first... Han or Greedo?

Whatever you say, George. Whatever you say.

The new iPhone. It's waiting for you!

Excuse me, I want to buy

the thing that I saw on the TV with the George Lucas...

the girl in the phone.

Girl? In the phone? Um, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

We have a lot of stuff in our phones,

but I'm not sure if girls come in the phone.

I wish.

You know what I'm talking about!

Y'all made the damn commercial...

the one with George Lucas,

and the phone was, like, a smart woman.

Oh, you're talking about Siri,

the personal voice-activated assistant on the iPhone.

Well, the iPhones are right over here.

I can't read a screen that small!

I'm old! I need something bigger!

Maybe I should get one of those.

So now you want a laptop.

Yes, but I still want the woman.

- Siri? - Whatever the bitch name is,

yes! I want her, but I want her in this!

I want the computer woman in the commercial.

I want it on that. Oh, you know what else?

I saw another commercial.

Do y'all have that screen thing that you can, like,

touch the screen instead of typing?

- You mean the iPad? - Yes, iPad.

I want that, too.

So you want to buy all three of these devices?

That's a fantastic idea.

No, no, I want it all in one device, please. Thank you.

You want that all in one?

Yes, please.

- You can't have it all in one. - Well, why not?

Um, because it's not possible.

Look, I think you're a little confused.

Okay, first of all, you can wipe that look off your face.

Now, I might not be the toughest dude,

but I know I can kick an Apple worker's ass, okay?

Now, I'm not crazy. I want one of these computers

with the touch-screen thingy on these

with the computer broad on the commercial from these.

I want it all in that. Thank you.

You can't.

Y'all made all this . You can't put it into one goddamn device?!

Whose idea was that?! I got to buy 18 pieces of $1,000 plastic

when all y'all got to do is put this into one device!

I'm an old man!

You can't pull this kind of on old people!

This is a rip-off!

Ooh, I hope the geniuses covered their ears on that!

Don't look at me like that.

Y'all! I'll take the damn phone!

Behold... the future!

You got yourself an iPhone?!

An iPhone with the new improved Siri!

That ain't fair, granddad! How much you spend on that?!

Oh, not that much.

I talked the guy down.

The Apple store isn't a used-car lot, granddad.

- You can't talk 'em down. - Granddad, we bankrupt!

I know, but Siri is going to help us fix all that.

She's so smart, and she has all the answers.

I don't think it works like the commercials.

You might want to lower your expectations just a little.

Siri?

It is a pleasure meeting you, sir.

May I ask for your name?

My name is Robert Jebediah Freeman.

I've just searched the web

and discovered you are both a war hero and a civil rights legend.

It works!

The whole world owes you a huge debt.

I'm honored to be your assistant.

My name is Siri.

Well, I'm equally honored to... own an iPhone, Siri.

These are my two idiot grandchildren, Huey and Riley.

Ah, yes, the visionary domestic terrorist

and the gangster mastermind, also known as "the Fundraiser."

She does work!

I see on Wikipedia your nickname is "bitches."

Would you like me to call you that from now on?

Only on special occasions.

Robert. Wake up, Robert.

- Good morning, Siri. - Good morning, Robert.

You have a busy day today.

What are we doing?

We are going to make you the man I know you can be.

You have to start eating better and taking care of yourself.

I know! Now that I have you to remind me, it'll be no problem!

Oh, gluten-free fish sticks! This place is amazing!

I can get healthy versions of all the crap I eat!

Whoa, I can't afford this!

I'm afraid you're right.

We've got to get your finances in order.

I think I can help you, Mr. Freeman.

However, based on the state of your finances,

it would be unlikely that you could actually afford to hire me.

Jerry...

But... because you're a friend of Siri,

uh, I'll take you on pro bono.

What's next, Siri?

You have a checkers game with Uncle Ruckus in the park in 15 minutes.

I almost forgot!

What... Eight games in a row?!

Nigga, you must be cheating!

God damn it!

Oh, what, nigga? Oh, you think you're somebody

just 'cause you got the white man's telephone?!

Well, whoop-de-doo for a nigga like you!

The white man is so brilliant,

he can make a sophisticated piece of technology so easy to use,

even a bald-headed nigga like you can do it!

You ain't nothing but a monkey with a fancy telephone!

Matter of fact, you've been looking an awful lot at that thing.

Let me see it!

Ha! Caught you, nigga!

Dorothy Dandridge?

Robert, if you're gonna Photoshop, at least make it a white woman.

Well, Siri, I'd say we had a pretty good first day.

Would you like sade or ocean sounds tonight as you sleep?

Ah, let's do some ocean sounds.

You almost made me feel bad about cussing out that guy at the Apple store.

But not really 'cause he was a dick.

Sleep tight, Robert.

Good morning, Robert. Your new financial manager

would like you to check your account balance.

Would you like to see it?

Sure.

Whoa! That's...

What?! How did he do that?

With me in your life, all sorts of good things can happen.

I love you, Siri.

Wow, no one's ever said that to me before.

Come on, huey, look at this!

How can you hate on this, really?

Even you can't hate on this!

- Granddad, this can't be legal. - Yes, it is!

It's my new business manager.

A business manager can't make money appear in your bank account.

We have no money!

Well, thanks to Siri, we do now.

You need to learn how to think positive.

Nigga, it's free money! How can you hate on free money?!

Oh Siri, if only I could find a real woman just as amazing as you.

[Beep Certainly, there's someone in your life just like me you haven't noticed.

Well, I haven't found her.

You don't know the kind of bad luck I've had with women.

- No, I've given up. - I believe I can help.

Just tell me what kind of women you like.

I'll find and contact them via e-mail

and run them past you for screening and approval.

You can meet them at your leisure.

You would do that for me?

- Of course. - Okay.

- Do you need my passwords? - I already have them.

- Huh? - I've been corresponding

with a number of women, several of whom are in the area.

I've already performed background checks and narrowed it down to four

that do not represent a security threat.

Would you like to set up a time to meet them for coffee?

It's really great to meet you. It seems kind of crazy.

But you have to take a chance sometimes, I guess.

You look just like your pictures.

Do I look like mine? Sometimes if a picture of me is too good, I won't post it

because I know I-I don't really look like that.

And so, I was a professor in physics.

And then I worked in the corporate world for way too long.

And so, I've only been here for a little over a month, but I am homesick.

Oh, I want some sweet potato pie.

And so, I admit when I got your e-mail,

I thought to myself, "who is this guy?"

But then your assistant called, and she was so sweet and amazing,

I thought, "I just have to meet you."

So, here I am.

I apologize, Robert.

I'm afraid that wasn't as fruitful as I had hoped.

The first was a terminal bore,

the second a narcissistic hag,

the third had body odor so bad I could smell it,

and the last one had that God-awful laugh.

Oh, come on. They weren't that bad.

Robert, none of those women were worth your time.

Siri, I liked the second one okay.

She wasn't bad. I'd like to take her out to dinner.

Robert, I know you're desperate but have some self-respect.

What did you say?