Firesign Theatre Presents 'Hot Shorts'

Alcana, a thin town on the dotted line

between Mexico and Israel.

A rustic place where miners named Al

mine natural tin cans from the bottom of placid Lake Rust.

Alcana, the kind of town where a kid can grow up

dragging around dead fish at the end of a string,

and carrying a pointed stick over his shoulder.

Yes, it seemed like just another thin normal day in Alcana

when little Al heard something out of the ordinary.

Oh gosh, that was wonderful.

I'll go wash up, Big Al.

You write a check.

Shall I make that in pesos or shekels, Alice?

Suit yourself.

Oh, you've got the big melons.

Alcana, a thin town on the dotted line between,

wait a minute, I already said that.

Alcana, where the Mounties are brave

and the braves are mounted and on display

in the Dead Indian Museum just off Tin Can Alley,

home of the Mexican mounted policia.

Help, help, Sergeant Al, Sergeant Al!

What is it, Little Al?

It's Big Al, Sergeant Al.

Calm down, you little turd.

Part of him was all shriveled up,

and he looked like he spilled something on his pants.

And Miss Alice was putting on her dress

and sipping vinegar and water.

- Big Al? - He's not big now.

Okay, little fart, we better do something about this.

You know, they may have become tick-infested.

Gosh, ticks?

Uh, yucky.

See now, how do you start this thing?

Oh yeah, okay, here we go.

Hi-ho, horsepower, away!

It was too late for Big Al,

the ticks got him,

but Sergeant Al got his hands on Alice just in time.

Ticks were hiding in holes

all over your body, Alice,

some as big as marbles.

Are we eating, man, or playing cards?

Don't talk to me into deal me a deck of salami.

Hello, Alice, how's your finger?

Fine.

And I know how your hands,

still doing your hair with that waffle iron, I see.

Want a room?

Actually, we're trying to get Alice here out of the woods.

We had to sluice those ticks off of her

with a high pressure hose.

We never have ticks, only termites.

That's why I run a house.

Have you got a room for one more girl, huh?

Well, we just don't take anybody off the streets.

You call that ditch a street?

I suppose to your kind it's no more than a dotted line.

She needs a job.

We only got one room open right now.

It's the all electric one.

And I don't think you're qualified, it's not easy.

You have to work with rubber sheets.

You must be kidding, Kate.

I got a better gimmick than that and I got it in my purse.

I know it isn't much of a purse.

But at least it isn't filled with ticks,

except for that one.

I killed it, okay?

And here's your thing.

Hm.

Hey Al, look at this.

Chinese sex coin.

It's been used recently,

There's a nice hole in it.

Memento Katie, let me see.

I once used a coin like this a long time ago

in a whorehouse across the street in Mexico.

I don't much remember what happened that night,

but I'm sure I had a real good time.

Will you give her a bed and a room,

she could bring it a shitload of business.

Yeah Katie, sign her up.

Hit me with an eighth of spam Jose.

Well, I guess I'll take a chance.

But this whole looks too small for Israelis or Mexicans.

Okay Alfredo,

turn on el switcho out and we'll test her out, contact.

There, it's all set now.

Now see, you're gonna be the girl and I'll be the guy, see.

Okay Mister Herpes.

Everything is set now.

Here, give me your thing.

Now see, you walk up all excited.

I do, and I kiss you.

And then you just push open the door like this.

And the frets are flying, the pinwheels are going,

and you think you're in love.

Boy, I think I'm gonna use this room tonight

myself with Alice.

Oh, she'll think she's in Wonderland.

Go on, turn it off.

Save some for me.

This'll be the biggest money maker in the house.

The next day the Mounties discuss

the mountings of the night before.

No, I've dipped the wick lots of times.

That's how I got these stripes on my arm.

I'd give anything for some stripes.

Instead, they just sewed my hand into my pocket like this,

and I'm afraid to pull it out.

Otherwise, I wouldn't hesitate to jump on Alice myself.

Al, I thought you liked having your hand in your pants.

No, I'd rather have it in your pants.

Oh, hello Doctor Al.

Sergeant Al, I have something here you should know about.

What is it Al?

It's about Miss Alice.

We did an analysis of the ticks on her tits, and guess what?

I give up?

Well, here's what we found.

According to our analysis,

some of these ticks

are suffering from Mexican-Israeli herpes.

Signed A for Al friend.

A friend?

I've heard of him,

but I've never heard of this guy Herpes before.

Why, he's the first John I balled

in the all-electric room.

But I don't understand, what's the problem?

Is this guy Herpes, sick?

Worse than that.

I'll go over and talk to the geek.

I'll try to keep them from spreading the infection

to other ticks in the neighborhood.

Back for more, Sergeant Allie?

Not today, Kate.

Andale, I got a bologna flush.

I got a full house, a pair of pastrami's,

and three slices of a Turkey.

Holy cajones.

I eat it.

Hi Herpes.

Bye bye.

A nervous tick told me you got a vetinarial disease.

I don't speak the lingo, Mexicano.

Besides, I always wear these gloves,

playing rough or playing with myself.

So he likes to play rough, huh?

Well, I'm Greek you know, I've got a hot head.

Yeah, that's probably why you get ticked off so easily.

And why you're wearing that hat?

What hat?

The hat you're wearing

to hide those little suckers in your hair,

ticks so sick they could infect us all.

Ha ha ha smart boy, real observant.

Only you forgot one thing.

I ain't the only one around here wearing a hat. (Laughing)

Out of the way, smoky burrito.

Hey!

Are you saying that Alice tricked me into ticks, too?

Hey, what's the knife for?

Hey, cut out that shit, boys.

If you want to get rid of herpes,

you gotta cut 'em out.

Let me have your knife.

Hey, I'm an Israeli Mexican.

Till the dog grabbed the rights on the side of the street.

Herpes!

Mexico, Mister Herpes.

You can't do this to me,

my ticks have rights.

They're Israeli ticks, and if I bathe in Mexican water,

it'll kill 'em.

Take him away.

Hell, it'll kill me.

Come on Alice, let's go see how many horses

it'll take the school to screw in an electric (muffled).

Herpes and his ticks

were incarcerated in the Alcana can

for the rest of their unnatural lives.

That incredible romantic, Sergeant Al,

married Alice and moved to America,

where the story of herpes spread far and wide,

leading us to wonder if we can ever expect

to see the end to this story,

and this dramatic award-winning narration.

Oh, here she is, gents.

Take off your hats and show her you've got hair.

Dudes, I'd like you to mate, meet, Miss Carriage.

Fine group of boys, Dad.

Show me their stuff.

You can count on it, baby.

These guys have got a sperm count that won't stop.

As you know this process is not yet recognized

by the other dorks in the profession.

Nevertheless, when someone like Miss Carriage,