Soldier's Girl

Ladies and gentlemen...

And all of the rest of you...

Welcome to the miss Tennessee.

Entertainer of the year pageant!

If you take a girl home.

Tonight and you find that her clitoris is just a touch

too prominent, and her ovaries are hanging really low,

you might've ended up with one of our contestants.

Let us meet our judges.

Stand up, judges.

Give them a hand.

And what about these motherfuckers, hmm?

Sit down, you're boring.

And now...

Without further ado... That's French for "no more

fucking around, let's go on with the show"...

Ladies and germs, our first contestant...

Miss Calpernia Addams!

I love you never know how much I care

when you put your arms around me

I get a fever that's so hard to bear

you give me fever when you kiss me

fever when you hold me tight

fever in the morning

fever all through the night

sun lights up the daytime moon lights up the night

I light up when you call my name

and you know I'm gonna treat you right

- you give me fever... - I'm gonna tell you

a story.

It's a simple story, although the details may seem to some

bizarre, perhaps even sensational.

Like all great stories, it's a love story.

And, like all great stories, it's terribly tragic.

That is something you all know

fever isn't such a new thing

fever started long ago you may think that I'm

the center of this story... the main character,

as they say... but I'm not.

True, I glitter more than others, and I admit I've

always craved the spotlight.

I get the attention 'cause I'm flashy, like the gowns

I wear.

I'm the rhinestones of this story.

But the true hero of this story... he was

as quiet and as solid as a Chanel suit.

What a lovely way to burn what a lovely way to burn

what a lovely way to burn his name was Barry.

And, like all great Americans, he was born

in Missouri.

Welcome to fort Campbell,

soldier.

This is one sweet car you got.

Thank you.

These are, uh, my orders to report to the 502.

Here.

Just take this main road.

And that's the 502.

At ease, private.

I see you had a little trouble in basic.

No, sergeant.

Late to formation.

Sloppy quarters, uniform.

I guess I had to adjust.

We'll, start over.

Clean slate.

So, private Winchell, what are you good for?

Can you handle artillery?

I don't know, sergeant.

Ever shot a weapon before you went into basic?

No, sergeant.

No B.B. Guns? You didn't go hunting with your daddy?

No, sergeant.

My mother hates guns.

But I think I can handle it, sergeant.

We need an assistant gunner on a 40-millimeter grenade

launcher... it's a big weapon, but you're a big boy.

Yes, sergeant.

Here's the manual.

One other thing... any problems I should know about?

Drinking? Drugs? Girls?

No, sergeant.

Are you sure?

This is where you want to bring your problems.

Not to your unit, not to the field.

'Cause I don't want to hear about it from the M.P.S.

I used to go overboard with the alcohol.

You need counseling?

No, sergeant.

Those days are behind me.

Okay.

I'll be watching you.

Go settle into your barracks.

Dismissed.

So, basically, you're talkin' about Robbin' a bank?

Which, of course, you're an expert on, being the

noted, world-famous mastermind criminal that you are.

Yeah, as I was saying, guys,

get your account numbers, go online, you can transfer

funds.

I've seen people do it.

I seen brothers get paid.

Millens, you can't even retrieve your fuckin' email.

Fuck you, pay me.

Who are you?

Barry.

Hey, everybody!

It's Barry!

Well, come in, Barry.

Uh, I think he needs a beer.

Get him a beer. Want a beer?

Now, don't get too excited, Barry.

Just relax, take a few deep breaths, pop open

a brewskie, have a drink.

Now, Barry, I have one more question for you.

You're Barry-the-fuck-who?

Hoo-ah!

Winchell.

Robbin' a bank's the stupidest crime there is.

Is that so?

Highest rated capture and conviction.

Ohh!

Who's the gangster now?

Which bed is mine?

That would be that bed.

Maybe you were hoping for something with a better view?

The deluxe suite, maybe?

This is fuckin' ridiculous.

I'm out of here.

Yeah, me, too.

What? Where are you going?

Laundry, man.

Wait, uh... Why don't you stick around, Baker?

I'm gonna go call my gal, fisher.

Man, you're so pussy-whipped.

Fuck you, pay me.

I told you, I don't call her twice a week, I got nothin'

when I go home.

Take it easy, Barry.

See you, Barry.

See you, Barry.

Hey...

What, you can't read?

No regulations against smoking on the barracks. This is...

You can't smoke in my room,

Gomer Pyle.

I'm allergic.

That's what all the medication's for?

No dirty dishes in the sink.

You don't use my towels.

You will spray the shower stall with Lysol every time

you use it.

You don't jerk off when I'm in the room, not even if you

think I'm asleep, not even if you think I'm dead.

When somebody asks your name, you say, "Winchell,"

not "Barry."

No first names in the infantry, not unless you want

everyone to think you're a pussy, a mama's boy,

no-balls bitch, or just a plain, garden variety

asshole.

Thank you.

You'll find out, Barry.

Basic... Is one thing.

Anybody can get through that.

But the airborne infantry... That's where the army cuts

the wheat from the chaff.

Hoo-ah!

Take care, Barry.

Hurry up!

What time... what time is it?

It's 0900. You're gonna be late for formation.

Fuck!

You are damn near late,

fisher!

You are to fall in at 0900!

Is that clear, you little maggots?!

Where the fuck is Winchell?

Who spearheaded the d-day assault?

Screaming eagles, sergeant!

You're not counting!

76!

Who died on hamburger hill?

Screaming eagles, sergeant!

You're not counting!

77!

Do you deserve to be called a screaming eagle?!

No, sergeant!

Why is that?!

Because I'm an asshole, sergeant!

You're what?

An asshole, sergeant!

A what?!

An asshole, sergeant!

You're not doin' any pushups!

No, sir!

Keep going, soldier!

Yes, sir!

How many is that?

98!

How many more you got?