Hogan's Heroes

( German music playing in background )

Halt!

Give me the password, baby.

Maria loves Teddy Bear!

All right!

You may pass, baby.

Give me a schnapps.

Ah, she's beautiful.

Maria is beautiful!

Here.

Ah, she's crazy about me.

Ja.

Karl, do you think she would go out tonight

with a certain tall, handsome sergeant?

Who did you have in mind?

Mix your drinks.

I'm not interested in your opinions.

Liebchen.

I would like to talk to you.

Ja?

Ja, ja, ja, ja?

Today I got paid.

Oh, that's nice.

Congratulations.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

So tonight I'll take you to the Hauserhof for sauerbraten.

: You are so romantic.

But I am not through work till 1:00.

Oh, but by that time, the sauerbraten will be cold.

Can't you leave a little earlier?

You'll have to ask my boss.

All right.

Hermann wouldn't dare refuse

one of Germany's brave fighting men in uniform.

Oh, I thought you were a teddy bear.

I'm a brave fighting teddy bear in uniform.

Where is he?

In the office.

How about a little kiss for good luck, baby?

Maria.

Oh, you are irresistible.

Ah!

Well, I'll go back to work now.

See you later, baby.

Maybe I am... irresistible.

Don't you knock before you enter a room?

Excuse me.

I just wanted to ask Hermann something.

What is it?

Can Maria get off a little earlier tonight?

You see, I got paid...

Impossible.

We are shorthanded as it is.

Excuse me.

I just thought I'd ask.

Excuse me.

Who is that big slob?

Schultz.

He is sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.

Huh, he's been there ever since the place opened.

He was sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.

Was?

Now he is on his way to the eastern front.

Ah, gentlemen, the leader has 20 and he'll pay 21.

Give me that lovely money.

Throw those cards in, Carter.

Nobody's got 21.

I could have told you that in advance, couldn't I?

That's what I was afraid of.

Yeah, his fingers have eyes.

Come on, it's only a game, gentlemen.

: Don't get up, gentlemen.

I know playing cards is verboten,

but why spoil a beautiful evening?

One of our Krauts has flipped.

If he loses, put it on my bill.

I think he's loaded.

Yes, my dear friend, I'm loaded--

I'm loaded with love.

Look at that smile.

He saw the girl at the Hofbrau.

Maria?

Ah, she's beautiful.

Beautiful!

Did old Cupid take a shot at you, Schultz?

Yeah, and broke the arrow.

It's not a joke.

They're just jealous, Schultz.

Who's jealous of what?

Schultz and Maria, that girl at the Hofbrau,

have been making music-- right, Schultzy?

She calls me... Teddy Bear.

Teddy Bear-- how thoughtful.

How revolting.

Don't just stand there, Schultz.

Come on, tell us about it.

Well, she let me kiss her--

affectionately, you know?

You, uh, put your arms around her?

: What do you think?

I sent her the kiss by mail?

And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?

You said it, big boy.

All the way around?

She must be an orangutan.

Hold it.

Discretion does not permit me

to talk about the subject any longer.

I am not a man to kiss and tell.

Very nice.

Bravo. Oh, blimey.

I predict a big romance.

You'll be forging passes to get into town to see her,

shaving every day.

You might even take off a few pounds.

That is what you've got to get rid of.

That, my dear colonel, is all muscle.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Let me show you something.

Stand up straight.

Look down.

Can you see your shoes?

I can't even see the floor.

If you can't see your shoes, you can't touch them.

Oh, sure I can!

I'll show you.

All right, all right.

LeBEAU: Come on, here we go.

All right, keep your head down.

That's it.

That's better than I thought.

All right, Schultz, don't overdo it.

I will have to exercise a little more.

Yeah, you do that.

We'll see you around, Schultz.

Wait a minute.

Don't you want to hear about Maria anymore?

Oh, it's too exciting.

Makes the natives restless.

Oh, I understand--

jealousy.

Good night.

Good night, hot lips.

Hot lips.

"Two troop trains through Hammelburg yesterday eastward--

"Ninth Panzer Brigade, 14th Infantry,

assault equipment, tight security precaution. M."

Get that off to London, huh, Kinch?

Right.

A good system, Colonel.

Maria does the spying and Schultz carries the messages.

Mm-hmm-- we're also making

an important contribution to military science.

How do you figure that, sir?

We're using the first 300-pound carrier pigeon in history.

Major Kiegel, I don't understand.

What has the Gestapo got to do with Luftwaffe personnel?

Colonel, Berlin has issued a new directive.

Our orders are to find men on the home front

and see that they are transferred

to active duty in combat units.

Danke, Fraulein.

Bitte.

Transfer to combat units.

That's another way of saying "eastern front."

True, it is.

But why the Gestapo?

That's outrageous!

You think so, do you?

I intend to appeal this to the high command--

even to the Fuhrer, if necessary.

Colonel!

The Fuhrer does not even know you are alive,

and... you may not be.

I'm beginning to see what you're driving at.

That is better.

But you're wasting your time, sir.

My men are not exactly what you would call

frontline fighting caliber.

How do you classify them?

Well, uh...

They're the dregs.

Really?

But the finest dregs in all of Germany.

You seem to manage.

I can assure you, Major Kiegel,

that it is my spirit, my iron will, that has made this

the most secure camp in all of Germany.

I could run this place single-handed

if I wanted to, and I...

You want to see the roster of the men.

I already have it.

Oh, I have always said

you are a marvelously efficient organization.

Thank you.

Now, there is a great shortage

of noncommissioned officers on our fighting fronts.

What about this Sergeant Schultz as a starter?

Him?

In a combat unit?