The Nanny

Hi. -Hi.

Say, are those flowers for your girlfriend? Actually, they're for my fiancee.

She is so wonderful. We're getting married in a couple of weeks,

over at the...

Is there something I can do for you?

Yes. But we hardly know each other.

Actually, I wanted to order two-dozen white tulips

to be delivered to my son, Maxwell Sheffield.

Sorry. That woman has the last of the tulips.

Who? -That girl.

I had my eye on those.

Well, I had my eye on Antonio Banderas, but I ain't taking him home neither

Darling, what if I bought you some plastic flowers

to go with that petroleum product you're wearing?

Well, as if the Brits are so stylish?

News flash, the royal wedding pictures looked like Mama's Family

These New Yorkers are so pushy.

Give me the damn tulips.

Hey, my boss sent me out to buy tulips for his mother

and I want the old bat to like me.

Give me that. Give me...

Oh, what are we fighting about? You keep it.

There's a whole fresh batchright there in the refrigerator

In that case, you keep the wilted ones. -Fine.

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queen

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

in one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?

She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's doo

She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw mor

She had style! She had flair! She was there!

That's how she became the nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've describe

was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now the father finds her beguiling

Watch out, C.C.!

And the kids are actually smiling

Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing ta

The flashy girl from Flushing The nanny named Fran!

Niles, when I meet Mr. Sheffield's mother, do I gotta curtsy?

Because if I do, this skirt turns into a tube top

Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating, but go ahead, try

Bad butler.

Anyway, I think it's gorgeous.

If she doesn't like it, tough. I'm not changing again

Oh, Miss Fine, is that what you're wearing?

Hell, no. -Thank you.

My mother derives sustenance from criticizing everything in my life.

Yeah? So? Oh, I keep forgetting. You're not Jewish

Maxwell, your adversarial relationship with your mother is your own fault

I find I catch more flies with honey.

I always thought your tongue darted out.

Hello, Mother. -Hello, darling.

Oh, look at you.

The spitting image of your father. Same eyes, same smile

All that's missing is the naked secretary in your bed

wearing my pearls.

It's so wonderful to see you again, madam. -Liar.

Niles, where are your tails?

He had them cropped when they did his ears.

Oh, C.C., you're a stitch. I missed you.

Maxwell, you should have her write a comedy for you.

God knows you need a hit.

Shall I poison them at supper, sir?

Niles!

It's two hours away.

Oh, Elizabeth, I can't wait to tell you all the exciting things that are going on in my life

Right after I visit the powder room, dear.

Oh, please, she'll be done before you get there.

Is this any better? This skirt's a designer label.

The label's lovely. Where's the rest of it?

Oh, I got your mother a little present. And lucky for you, I think I left it upstairs

Oh, I forgot my handbag.

Oh, you know, on second thought, I think it's in the kitchen

Oh, I brought my chauffeur over with me.

I'll just tell him to go.

When did you hire a new driver?

When your father hired a new secretary.

Jean Luc.

I had Grandma Yetta make your mother her famous prune Danish.

I figured, you know, with all the flying, the change in water, she could use it

That's a lovely thought, Miss Fine.

But my mother's not really the prune Danish type.

Oh, well, she will be after she eats Ma's stuffed derma

Oh, I'll get it.

You? -You?

What are you, nuts? You followed me home?

What kind of a psycho case are you? Would you get a life, you fruit cake

Do you know who that weirdo was?

That's my mother.

Do you think she liked me?

Turn around. Let's see how you look.

Isn't it wonderful? We could be twins.

Margaret, do take that off. You look 50.

Grandma, Fran and I sort of have a shopping routine.

You see, I buy outfits I actually like,

and she looks for a husband in the men's department

Darling, I know you prefer a more plunging neckline,

but don't you think we should wait until you have something more to plunge into

Oh, God!

You're so good with her.

C.C., I'm really worried about this... this nanny that Maxwell's hired.

So am I, but I don't want to say anything,

except she's a low-life gold digger who's trying to move in on the family.

Did I tell you she has designs on Maxwell? -Oh, please, C.C

Maxwell would never fall for a trollop like that.

If he's anything like his father...

Oh, God.

Well, let's just pray that she'll take good care of the children

All right, honey. Just ho... hold up your nose.

You're leaving a trail of blood even the O.J. jury couldn't ignore

Lord, what happened? -We won.

C.C., call the doctor. -Oh, no. It's okay. The coach said he's fine.

Just to watch out if he vomitsor falls for no reason.

Okay, sweetie, go upstairs and get cleaned up.

But scream if your shoulder blade pops out again.

You know, just forget what I said.

If you had Maxwell fire her, I'd just hate myself. [POPPING

Miss Fine. -Yes?

Where were you when the boy was brutalized?

I was schmearing eggs on the other team's bus.

Oh, look, when did you two get so thick?

Oh, well, for me, it happened around the 14th,

but she must have had salty nuts on the plane.

Maxwell, do do up your... your shirt.

I can't distinguish you from the servants.

Oh, that's easy. I'm the one who's actually working

Oh, that's a good one.

I can't wait to tell Niles when he comes back from the track

Mother, do you mind? It's hot in my office.

Oh, I don't remember coming in there.

You know, sometimes Miss Fine sits on the edge of my desk in one of her outfits

Yes, well, carry on.

Oh, is he adorable or what?

Boy, when he was a little baby, how did you keep from biting his tushy

I guess that prune Danish didn't kick in yet.

Bad news, sir. I'm afraid there's been an emergency.

Your mother's been called back to London and is packing as we speak

Really?

Early April Fool's, sir.

Not funny, Niles. This is not a good day to tease me

Miss Babcock never made it to the theater.

I'm afraid she's missing. -Really?

April Fool's to the second power.

Mine was funny, sir. That's just plain cruel.

Maxwell, I have something to discuss with you.

Oh, Mother, much as I'd love to stay and chat,

I'm afraid I have a meeting with...

Ethel Merman. -Yes.

And I may be a while because she's dead.

Then I'd better go cancel, sir.

Maxwell, I'd like to dismiss your nanny.

Don't you mean discuss, mother? -No.

Mother, why this sudden interest in my life, hmm?

Did your poodle die?

Well, about this nanny,

I think she has far too much influence over the children.

I can assure you, Mother, I don't know what you mean

Daddy, look at me. Who am I? [IMITATING FRAN LAUGHING

That's very nice, sweetheart. Now go change.

I can't. I'm playing doctor.

Are you married?

Maxwell, let me make myself quite clear.

I know that there's something going on between you and this nanny person,