The Nanny

Who the heck is that at 5:00 in the morning?

They'll wake up the whole house.

Niles!

Oh, good. You heard me.

Van Gogh heard you.

He's dead and missing an ear.

Well, that's attractive.

Oh, it's a bite plate. I grind my teeth.

You know, my cousin Eileen ground her teeth down to the gums.

She doesn't smile much anymore,

but my cousin Bob has never been happier.

What?

You sleep in your makeup?

Honey, do you see a ring on this finger?

What if there was a fire?

Do I need some gorgeous fireman climbing over me

to save the 16-year-old heiress?

Ma, what are you doing here so early?

This is how you sleep?

Where are your earrings?

Good girl.

Oh, hello, Niles. Good morning.

Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?

No.

Could I?

So, as long as I'm here, how did the date with the doctor go?

The date was canceled.

Oh, well, you're gonna have to get used to that

when you're the surgeon's wife.

He's a tree surgeon, Ma.

Meanwhile, you can still make reservations under "Dr. and Mrs.".

Ma, listen,

I canceled the date.

Darling, you think I'm gonna hit you?

Well...

You decided not to see a doctor?

What are you, sick?

The kids needed me.

Fran, you're obsessed with these people.

When are you gonna get a life of your own?

You know, Ma, I wanted to surprise you,

but I did meet someone.

He's a very successful investment banker

worth zillions.

The only thing is

I had to sign a prenup.

You see, Ma?

I could kill you if I want.

Now, lay off.

Fine. Live alone,

have no one to talk to across the dining table,

no one to make love with.

Believe me, darling, I know what that's like.

Ma, you have Daddy.

Where am I losing you?

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

in one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?

She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more

She had style! She had flair! She was there!

That's how she became the nanny!

Who would have guessed that the girl we've described

was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now the father finds her beguiling

Watch out, C.C.!

And the kids are actually smiling

Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing The nanny named Fran!

Glen, we couldn't possibly open our new show without you.

Look what you did for Sunset Boulevard.

Sure, I'll hold.

You missed a spot.

Where?

There.

Oh, nothing. Just playing with the domestic's head.

Maxwell, your coffee's ready.

I'm never gonna pass this test.

I might as well just go to a locksmith college.

B, you're gonna do great, honey.

Just go out there and bring me home an A.

Fran, you're supposed to tell him to do his best

or you'll make him feel undue pressure and he'll develop performance anxiety.

I have a history of that with men. B!

B, you know what? Pass or fail, what difference does it make, really?

The important thing is, in four years, you get your trust fund.

Have a good day at school. All right. Thank you, Fran, bye.

Bye, Fran.

Oh, peace at last.

Finally I can do something for myself.

Niles, would you pour me a cup of coffee and give me the paper?

Miss Fine, it's right there.

Thank you.

Oh, why do they show pictures with wedding announcements?

Who cares what someone looks like if they're not available?

Divorce announcements, that's where I want to see a picture.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, Fran, I'm desperate.

Well, join the club. We meet once a year at the Coliseum.

Here I am, I'm 33 years old...

How old did you say?

I thought you two were in the same class.

Well, I skipped a few grades. I was very brilliant.

She got left back.

I can't stand living at home anymore.

My parents treat me like a child.

Well, you can't afford rent on your allowance.

Maybe if I got a roommate...

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on, Fran.

I found this great place just crawling with single guys.

You could still work here during the day and, you know, maybe have a life.

Have you been talking to my mother? -Oh, please.

It's bad enough I have to talk to my mother.

Now you think I spend my spare time talking to yours?

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm never going to meet a rich, eligible bachelor around this place.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, what am I talking about?

I have a life.

I got a date with a podiatrist.

A foot doctor? Mmm-hmm.

You better go do your toes.

Oh. Unless, of course, you don't have personal time.

Oh, Val, this is only my first date.

What am I, a tramp?

These little piggies don't have to go to his market so fast.

Is that a bunion poking through your shoe,

or are you just happy to see me?

Maybe I shouldn't open with that.

Hey, Fran.

Brighton, Brighton! You're not five years old anymore.

Why don't you knock?

Because I'm not five years old anymore.

At least Niles pretends to vacuum.

So we've got a date tonight? Yes, we do.

Where's he taking you? What's he do for a living?

Ma! Go out of here.

You have more privacy on a kibbutz.

Fran, when are you going to help me with my dinosaur project?

Oh, honey, honey, I promise, I promise I'll do it tomorrow.

Gracie, that whining is so annoying.

Where did you pick that up?

Fran, help!

My hair's caught in my blow dryer!

Oh, I should have stopped after one.

She's not here.

I've never played footsie with a pro before.

Relax. It's not like we're two kids out on the porch

and your dad's flicking the lights.

Yeah.

Fran, you're 24 years old.

Well...

Not till July.

He shouldn't be doing this to you.

I know.

Daddy!

Maybe I should go. I'll call you.

Oh, bye. Thank you.

Oh, good. You're back.

Brighton insists you tuck him in.

We'll discuss that later.

Margaret is sobbing in front of a mirror, "My bangs! My bangs!"

And I have a dinosaur perma-glued to my hand.

What? -What?

Didn't you see what just happened?

I was in the middle of a date,

and you interrupted me.

Well... Calm down, Miss Fine.

It happens so infrequently.

No.

You are always cutting into my personal time.

No, I meant you having a date.

Meanwhile, I'm not the one sitting home on a Saturday night

with his hand glued to his brontosaurus.

Just tell me how to get it off.

Try blowing in his ear.

All right. There's a special trick.

Put your other hand over your mouth.

You know, I'm telling you, Mr. Sheffield,

between you and the kids, I don't have a life of my own.

Maybe I should've told Val I'd move into that apartment with her.

Come on, Miss Fine, you live upstairs and you're late for work.

Well, excuse me, but I like to look presentable.

I'm not the type to come down to breakfast looking like a schlub

in a big bathrobe and fuzzy slipper...

Look, the point is...

We're getting off the subject, here.

The thing is,