Grandfathered

There you are.

You little gray bastard.

Hey, Jimmy. - Kristen. Hey, babe.

Right this way.

Got you at my favorite table.

Right this way, gentlemen. I have you at my favorite table.

How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room?

How's it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room?

I heard Deion Sanders is coming to town for his birthday. We got to get him here.

He already has plans at that new place, Bistro 6.

Easy. Why is everyone going there?

The food is amazing.

- You're fired. - No, I'm not.

- Just get me Deion, please. - On it.

- "Not now, Frank, I'm eating!" - (LAUGHTER)

Come on, girls. Say "Jimmy!"

Jimmy!

Was amazing. Oh, and the tiramisu was to die for!

I collect trains. Dorky, I know.

But, you know, I always imagined

that I would share them with my son one day.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life,

but I'd give it all up just like that

for a family.

I'm sorry. We don't allow children.

Play classical.

Cancel. Happy pop.

Afternoon, kids.

Ravi. Hey! Jimmy!

- (MUFFLED YELLING) - Stop locking the new guy in the freezer.

You're late for work!

Jimmy, try this: Gluten-free pappardelle.

Mmm. Ravi, delicious. What's the secret?

Gluten. Tons of gluten.

It's basically nothing but gluten.

- Hi. - Hey. Kid, we're closed.

Uh, my name's Gerald.

I have... something pretty important to tell you.

Uh, sorry.

- Yes? - Uh...

- Hi. Hi. - Kid, hey, focus.

Sorry. Um...

My mom is Sara Kingsley.

You dated for a while in 1989.

She was a cook at a restaurant you worked at.

Oh, on the night that photo was taken,

she took you to a Jane's Addiction show,

but you guys left early

because you refused to go number two at the club.

- Sounds like you. - Definitely.

You didn't have much in common, but what you did have

was a whole bunch of unprotected sex.

- Sounds like you. - Definitely.

After you guys broke up, my mom discovered

she was pregnant with me.

I'm your son.

Oh, one more thing.

This is Edie, your granddaughter.

Grandfathered S01 E01 Improved by: Fidel33

How the hell?

I'm a grandfath...

I'm a grandf...

I've never even had a gray hair.

I mean, sure, I have always wanted a family, but have I?

Or was that just some line I've been using to pick up girls?

It's a great line, by the way.

So when this weird kid and this baby show up

and ask me in the realest possible way do I want a family,

well, my answer, very honestly, is...

I have no idea.

Sounds like you need some time to process this. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm-I'm a little stressed out right now.

Reservations are down 15%.

It was probably a mistake,

me just popping in on you like this.

I'm-I'm gonna go.

Yeah, that's... You know what?

Let me just... let me just give you my card,

and you text me your number, and then

we'll get together when things calm down a little bit. Is that okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a beautiful baby.

Thanks.

It's a beautiful... business card.

What? What's that look for?

What was I supposed to do, throw him a baseball mitt,

have a catch and sing "Cat's in the Cradle" with him (CHUCKLES)

Am I right, Victor?

White Victor?

No?

Wait! Wait!

That wasn't how it was supposed to go.

Everyone, what's the one thing that I've always said was missing from my life?

A linen pant that goes from the beach to the bar?

Yes, and the search continues.

No, I meant a family.

A family.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Gerald and his daughter.

You're a grandpa?

Can I hold it?

Sure.

- Aw. - (FUSSING)

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry. Sorry.

It's...

Jimmy!

We have a son?

- I... - No, no, no, no, no.

No. You don't get to talk.

I'm doing all the talking now. I'm talking.

- My turn. - Okay. That's fair. Talk.

What do you have to say for yourself?

First off, I never kept him from meeting you.

All he had to do was ask...

Yeah, well, you should've told me I had a son walking around.

What if I were gay and I met him in a bar?

That's where your head goes?

- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me?

I'm standing on a porch

- in East Bumpkinville... - Pasadena.

- Oh, this is Pasadena? - Yes.

Talking to a woman that I haven't seen in 26 years

about a son that I didn't know I had.

How could you do this to me?

Have you met you?

The entire time we dated,

you refused to call me your girlfriend.

You wouldn't even let me keep a toothbrush at your place.

You gave me gingivitis.

I did not.

You were proud of

how bad you were at relationships,

and the only thing that you ever cared about was your career

and your sex life. Speaking of which, girlfriend?!

- Employee. Lesbian. - Mmm. Smart.

- Job requirement. - I like you.

- Let's be friends. - Get back in the car.

Jimmy, I hope this goes well. I do.

And I hate being the scolding, protective

mother stereotype, so I hope I only have to say this

to you once: If you hurt my son or his daughter,

I will choke you to death

with your own overly moisturized hands.

Okay.

Gotta run.

Gerald is in the guesthouse in the back.

You look great, by the way.

Deal with the Devil really paid off.

Yeah, I'm on her side. She's awesome.

She thinks I'll suck at this. I'll show her.

Get those healthy fats, Edie.

Get that out.

Get it. Come on.

Oh, yeah!

That's good, that's good!

Here, watch the pants, with the... Not...

The hands are very dirty.

Okay. There you go.

- Is that French? - It's West African French.

It's the fastest growing language in the world.

- Mandarin's for suckers. - Yeah.

N'est-ce pas, Edie?

- Go play. Go play. - (SHOUTS HAPPILY)

Listen, Gerald, I got to ask you:

Why did you come find me? Why now?

I just felt like it was time.

Honestly, being fatherless was never a big deal for me, and...

then the other day, I came across a BuzzFeed listicle

called "28 Reasons Why Having a Dad Is the Best,"

and, by number 12, I was crying so hard I was dehydrated.

Yeah. Listen, kid, I'm a 50-year-old bachelor.

- We're society's most worthless people. - Mmm.

Look, I don't know if I'm cut out to be a father,

much less a...

a grandf... a grand...

- Can I be honest? - Dude, you've been aggressively honest.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mama!

Hi, Edie. Hey, baby.

Yes. Mommy saw so many babies today,

and they were all uglier and stupider than you. Mwah.

- What up, G? - Yo.

- Did she...? - Twice.

- Really! - I know! Big ones.

- Please tell me you filmed it. - Matrix style.

Oh, rock star. Awesome.

Oh, I totally lost her little rubber ducky.

Oh, uh, I made one.

You are good.

You know, one of these days, you're gonna be

the billionaire 3-D printing designer guy,

and I'm gonna be like, "That's my friend."