Sorabh Pant : My Dad Thinks He's Funny

Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen for coming out tonight...

How are you guys doing? Come on!

This is fun man, this is nice...

I like how this whole thing feels like a red light area right now...

But today it's an inspirational story, okay?

This story today is an inspirational one...

It's about how my wife and me had sex...

And, nine months later something came out...

And it was all because of me, thank you so much...

I, I, Thank you, thank you so much...

Thank you, I really appreciate it...

Like a man's contribution to actually making a baby is so limited, right?

You just go like...

Enjoy your mayonnaise. I'll see you in 9 months.

So today's show is all about babies and all about fatherhood and stuff like that...

And I see a lot of young people in the crowd here,

You're like: "Who gives a shit?"

I don't either, I didn't even want to have a baby...

And, then my wife was like divorce and...

So I'm like, "I love babies!"

So let's take a little bit of a survey, right? Before we begin the show...

How many people here want to have a baby at some stage?

How many people want to have a baby?

Yeah, you too? You too sir as well?

Are you married?

To this lady here? "Yeah."

I love this because you raised your hand and she didn't...

You're like "Let's do it!"

And then she's like "Dream on!"

Now I just want to quickly tell you how babies are made...

So my wife and me were trying to have a baby for about a year

and I have no problem with trying...

I love trying, okay?

Trying is amazing...

I will try four times a night if you want me to.

Okay, once.

And...

and my wife and me were trying for a kid for about a year

And you know when we just went to

The doctor to check up if everything was fine.

The doctor told us to take a bunch of tests...

which is the doctor's way of saying

"Does your stuff even work or no?"

And as a part of this whole thing this doctor basically

Told me to go and take a sperm sample test, okay?

Which by the way is the best prescription any doctor can ever give you...

It's just a medical professional saying:

"Jack off!"

It's awesome!

It's amazing!

And so okay, has any man had to go for a semen test ever, anyone? No?

This guy is pointing to his friend...

It's always his friend, it's never you na?

Did you sir? No.

How do you know by the way is the question?

Were you guys trying with each other?

Because I know what the medical problem here is...

No I mean like proper sperm test not like amateur level like you guys,

like I mean professional Level.

And by the way, you think this is a great thing, right?

Like it's just you go there and do this thing and whatever,

it's not!

It's very disgusting, it's a very disgusting thing

because you go to the counter and as soon as you

declare you're coming that, people start judging you already.

Like I went to the counter and I was like

"Madam, I need a little..."

And she's like...

And it's very intimidating because right up top

she comes and she hands me this cup this big

What?

I'm like madam can I come back next week?

This is, even then I won't be able to fill it up by myself...

I'll need help from the neighbor

"Mr. Gupta, please help me out, please."

"Yes, give me some sugar as well"

It's damn creepy, man.

And even movies mislead you man,

movies mislead you into thinking that this thing is like a fun thing, right?

In movies what they always do is like

whenever you're doing this test is always like magazines

to put you in the mood...

I went to this place and the only magazine there was

Tinkle Digest No. 427

This is not going to put anyone in the mood.

Nobody goes like

"Oh yeah, Suppandi!"

"Yeah, Suppandi!"

You know what they say about a man with a big chin.

And personally I prefer Champak.

And it's very creepy man, it's a very creepy thing,

and the weird thing is that I'm in this room

doing this disgusting act by myself

and in the middle of me doing this whole thing,

there's suddenly a knock on the door

like loudly "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"

And I'm like...

Mom?

No, I'm just reading Tinkle, mummy...

And what happened apparently is...

these guys were trying to repair the door...

While I was inside doing that...

Do you want to test the door before I do that?

This is the shittiest knock-knock joke in history.

"Knock! Knock! Who's there?"

"Pant's Dick! Pant's Dick - who?"

What the fuck are you talking about?

So anyway, I have a kid and as it turned out everything was fine.

We were all ready to go and my wife was pregnant...

Thank you so much...

I'm very talented.

I love my son a lot...

The problem is my son's mother

who also happens to be my wife.

Coincidence?

Dude, my wife is insane...

Like my wife is so goddamn paranoid, right?

And my wife is paranoid because she genuinely believes that...

Google is a doctor.

My wife believes anything Google says.

My wife came to me once,

she had a pimple on her face

and she's like "I have skin cancer"

Listen if a pimple gave you skin cancer,

Om Puri's entire career is chemotherapy.

What are you talking about?

So stupid.

And if you go on Google anything gives you cancer by the way,

I checked up.

Just go to Google and check this up at some stage...

I googled fart and cancer...

You get it.

If you have too much Rice & Beans,

you have cancer.

It's fucking, any bullshit

And paranoia by the way, my wife...

If you're like paranoid as a person, when you have a kid,

that makes you 50 times more paranoid

about that child

and what my wife does not realize is paranoia is now an industry.

Like it's lucrative to make people paranoid.

Like people get worked up and shit

and then they buy stuff to become less paranoid, right?

And she keeps doing all this weird stuff for my son like,

you know like expression of a paranoia.

First of all you know that weird thing like...

What is that thing?

You rub on your hands to clean the...

What?

Sanitizer!

Everyone said sanitizer

this guy said Massage Oil...

Are you from Kerala or something?

I'm a Malayali, coconut oil means cleansing.

Massage Oil...

Yeah, I mean if you use massage oil on the right places.

It does cleanse you.

So my wife keeps using - anything she's like "sanitizer".

Like fucking anything, sanitizer near my son

and for babies who what you have is,

you have these mosquito patches.

I'm sure some of you guys like these mosquito patches on the babies.

Now most parents put like one or two.

My wife puts like 89.

My son enters the park

and all the mosquitoes are like

"Fuck, The Terminator has entered."

And the other day my wife in her state of paranoia,

she bought my son, she bought him a mug

for 1,200 Rupees.

And I'm like "What is so special about this mug?"

And she's like "Listen, this is a very special mug."

"You know what happens with this mug."

"It's a special mug."

"When you pour water on the child while bathing them, no?"

"The water doesn't go into their eyes."

You can do that with a normal mug also.

Just don't go like "Drink this! Happy Holi to you!"

Don't throw it into his eyes.

The thing about having a kid like,

one of the reasons why I like my wife is, you have to

you need a person to create a baby.

And my wife, we have a lot of love in the relationship,

is what we say to people.

My wife and me we had a love marriage.

As in: I loved her. And she loved marriage.

Ummm...

Some people are like, "It's true for us also, son."

We had a love marriage and the thing is like

I thought it's a really cool thing to be proud of and

my parents also had a love marriage which is like a far more,

because my parents had a love marriage in the 1970's.

Which is far more hard-core.

And they were dating each other for four years before they got married.

That's fucking amazing man.

By the 70's standards they were hard-core.

They were like the Hrithik and Kangana of their era.

Without the cheating part.

But my dad is a very sweet man.

The problem is he was very shy of my mom.