Man with a Plan

So, then I said to the eye doctor,

"I can't see it. I can't see it.

I can see it. It's gone again."

And he said I was very special,

and I might be eligible for a service dog.

Great story, Ma.

And that clocked in at just under 12 minutes.

Yeah. And she's told it to everybody...

The grocer, the pharmacist,

some poor bastard who was holding

- the door for her. - Shh.

Hey, there's my thoughtful husband.

All right, what is it?

Last time she called me thoughtful,

I had to clean a pound of hair out of the drain.

That kid Julian is coming over for a playdate with Emme,

but I have to take Kate to the doctor,

so you have to watch them.

Honey, I thought we agreed no more Julian.

That kid's the worst.

Well, maybe while he's here,

he'll see how nice people behave,

and it'll rub off on him.

Yeah, only a mom would say that.

It's sweet and packed full of lies.

Dads know better.

Joe, there's no difference between moms and dads.

Did you just roll your eyes?

No, no, I was making sure

all the light bulbs are working.

Okay, I know it's not popular to say these days,

but there are some things dads are better at.

The fact that we're so annoying

and you keep marrying us proves my point.

We keep marrying you because we're optimists

and they make the lids on pickle jars too tight.

Well, he-he's not saying dads are better than moms.

You're not saying that, are you?

I said dads are better at some things.

Okay, moms are better at some things, too.

Okay. Like what?

Don't say cooking and cleaning, boy.

Okay, uh, if we're the same,

would you like to take care of that dead squirrel on the roof?

I would totally do it, but I saw an owl fly away with it.

And I know it was a mom owl because she handled it

like a boss and then didn't spend

the next two hours bragging about it. Ha!

Am I right? Hey, hey.

Oh, high five. Fun.

Sorry I'm late.

I found a YouTube channel of cats punching dogs.

Ooh.

Is it better than chickens wearing pants?

I don't want to get political.

Now that Don is here, I think we should talk

about your knee surgery.- .

It's in a couple of weeks,

and the doctor said he should hire a home health care nurse

for during the rehab, but he won't agree.

I don't want some stranger in my house going through my stuff.

What stuff? You mean that jug of nickels?

Hey, when the world goes to hell,

the guy with the jug of nickels is gonna be living like a king.

I got a can of dimes. Smaller and twice the value.

You're a good boy, Donny.

So, about this nurse... I'm not listening

to any more of this nurse stuff.

I'll be with the TV.

When I push mute, it stops talking.

Did he really leave, or can I just not see him?

He's going through the couch, looking for nickels.

Hey, Joe, I get half of whatever you find.

Boys, your dad's gonna need help,

and I can't get him to listen to reason.

He was much easier to control

when he was getting that medical marijuana.

Well, his dealer was 85.

It was time to retire.

Someone needs to talk him into getting a nurse,

and there's one person at this table he'll listen to.

Oh, Ma.

That's why I need help from his favorite son... Don.

What?

Oh, ho, hoh! Dodged that bullet.

I heard it whistle past my ear, and then it hit you.

'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

Hey, that weird kid's looking at you.

Hello, Julian.

Listen, buddy.

Tell your kids to give me the swing.

Well, buddy, you just had your turn,

and it's Emme's turn now.

I don't care. I want to swing now.

Hey, we have something in common.

I don't care, either.

You're a butthead.

You're a butthead.

Two against one.

I guess you're a butthead.

I really don't like that kid.

He does have some good comebacks.

So, listen,

how am I supposed to get Dad to agree to a home nurse?

Good luck. He never changes his mind about anything.

He still drops his film at the Foto Hut

even though it's a frozen yogurt place now.

Hey, what are you doing here?

It's still your turn.

Julian pushed me off the swing.

What? Teddy, did you see this?

Yeah, he pushed her right off.

And you didn't do anything?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Okay, Julian can't think

pushing your little sister is okay.

Good thing there's a dad here.

Teddy...

put him on the ground.

I don't think Mom...

Mom is not here.

Put him on the ground.

Okay.

Hey, you pushed me!

He did it.

My son defended his sister.

Turn away, Don. You might see me cry.

*MAN WITH A PLAN* Season 03 Episode 03

*MAN WITH A PLAN* Episode Title: "Put Him on the Ground"

So, Butterbean, Daddy was totally right

to tell Teddy to put Julian on the ground.

But that's not the kind of thing that Mommy'd understand.

Okay, so, let's play a little game

and see who can keep this secret the longest.

I bet I can keep it until I die.

This is gonna be fun.

Yeah. Okay, now, where's Teddy? I have to tell him, too.

- He's outside playing basketball. - Okay.

And then I put Julian on the ground,

just like Dad told me to. Right, Dad?

Kids, go upstairs. I need to talk to your father.

Okay, when are we gonna be old enough to stay for one of these?

I'm gonna be married someday, and I need to know how to do it.

I'm going.

You told Teddy to push Julian?

Yes, I did.

But we don't push people.

No, you don't, 'cause you're a mom.

Come on, join the dads.

It's fun over here. We push people.

There is no difference between moms and dads.

Look, will you just trust me on this?

I handled it. It's dad time now.

Okay, but...

- ..this is gonna blow up in your face. - Hmm. Wha...?

And when it does, I'm gonna say "I told you so,"

'cause that's something moms are good at.

I think I did society a favor.

There's too many people walking around out there

who don't know they're boneheads

because they didn't get put on the ground as kids.

Did you get put on the ground as a kid?

Of course I did.

And yet you're still a bonehead.

My point stands.

- But that was a good one. - That was a good one, yeah.

Yeah, that was a good one.

So, I have to warn you.

My dad's not real keen on getting a nurse.

Maybe you should take off those scrubs

so Joe isn't put off when he walks in.

Oh, I think he might be more put off by a topless male nurse.

Your résumé looks good.

Ten years experience, rave recommendations.

At the top it says Funchy. What's that?

Oh, that's me.

I've got "fun" right in my name.

And "chi."

Oh, here comes Joe.

Let us do the talking. We had to trick him

to get him to come down here.

Hey.

Is this the guy selling the secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

Uh, we actually brought you here to meet Funchy,

a home health care nurse for after your knee surgery.

All right, listen up.

I'm gonna talk to you

the same way you talk to everybody else.

This is the guy. He's your nurse,

so no bellyaching.

Okay, you win.

- Okay. - I'll just grab a drink,

and then we can start the interview.

Then he just walks out the door. It was the perfect trick.

It doesn't sound like much of a trick.

He just lied and left.

Well, the simplicity is what made it perfect.

It's like ice. It's just frozen water,

but it changed the world.

Dad,