The Detour

Okay, let's recap.

Oh, we're recapping? Is that what we're doing? Yep.

No shit. That's all we've been doing for the last two hours.

And the only thing you need to know

is that my kids were deathly ill...

Is that because you force-fed 'em oysters

at a landlocked roadside restaurant?

Why are you so interested in all this?

It's not just me. You've got everybody's attention.

We can't put 'em in that vomit comet

for the next eight hours. It's just food poisoning. It'll pass.

Why are there no hotel rooms here? We're not staying in a hotel...

Mr. and Mrs. Parker! Wait. Now y'all forgot

two very important but medically necessary items.

Aw.

Oh. Lollies. Thank you.

That's so sweet. Southern hospitality.

Yes, ma'am? Let's go.

Um, do you know why there are no hotel rooms

available in this area? The azaleas are blossomin',

and the people have come to bear witness.

Now that said, I happen to know

of a very nice B&B just a couple towns over.

Yeah, we're not B&B people. Thanks. Well, now are you sure?

Let's go. It's got a lot of character.

Yeah, that's code for "bedbugs." Well, now I know the owner,

and I guarantee he's gonna make y'all feel like royalty.

Is it you? It is.

Aw. It is indeed.

Well, the owner's gonna have a little extra vacancy tonight.

Bye-ee!

What is your problem? I'm sorry I'm not as charmed

by all the southern hospitality B.S. as you are.

Whoa!

Well... He's back.

Look at me, pulling my own little Tiananmen Square here.

Last pitch... white horses,

comfy beds for the kids to rest in,

and Dr. Rob's very own sippin' vodka.

Y'all think it over, won't you? We will. Thank you.

Who the hell drinks vodka?

Come on. We should at least take a look at it.

It's not so great.

What a douche.

You know, this house just celebrated her 197th birthday.

Been in my family's possession the entire time.

Oh, I love everything about it. I wanna live here.

Yeah? Where'd you keep the slaves?

Honey. What?

No, no, Robin. He's absolutely right.

They were housed down in the basement...

See? ...To rest up for their journey north

on the underground railroad.

See? This home is unofficially known as

"the place that freed 10,000 people."

Or slaves, as you call them, Nate. Yep.

Female voice: Hello, Dr. Rob. Welcome back.

No activity to report.

What's this channel?

No activity to... Human activity detected.

What's this kid looking at, huh?

Oh. Ohh. He's looking at me.

Dummy.

Oh, these berries taste like heaven, if it existed.

How's your sweet tea? Ugh. It tastes like chemicals.

Mmm, the smell of the lawn. Yeah, can you imagine having to mow it? No, thanks.

This is the vacation I deserve.

We've got a beach vacation waiting for us. Come on.

What are you talking about? Look, we're not beach people. You know that.

Yes, we are. The only reason we're doing this

is because it coincides with your convention.

I mean, let's just skip it. I can't.

All right, what's better...

Boring speeches and rumpled suits or this?

I said no. You know what? I'm... I'm just...

I'm getting really tired of you making all the decisions here.

I can make some decisions. Watch this.

I'm getting an award. What?

I-it's a big award. A work award.

I was gonna surprise you. Babe! Oh, my god, that's...

That's why you were acting so weird!

I knew something was up. Yeah, I was. That was why.

Did you think I was having an affair? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was horrified. What? What does that mean?

What? Oh, no! There's plenty of chubby lovers out there.

Robin! Nate! Y'all come.

We'll take Rhett Butler here for a ride.

Oh, let's go do that. Come on.

Yeah, you go on with foghorn leghorn.

I'm gonna go rest my big, fat eyes.

Dr. Rob: Sorry I couldn't let you ride him today, Robin.

He's temperamental... Oh.

'cause the mares are in estrus.

Oh, that's okay. This is just as good.

My late wife... She'd spend all day

strolling the grounds like this.

Oh, I'm sorry. When did she pass? Oh, no, no, years ago.

Workers say she still roams these fields.

You believe in heavenly spirits, Robin?

Oh. I really...

I-I do. I do. I do.

Funny. When I look into your eyes, I see my Audrey...

Oh. Picking bluebells, full of childlike wonder.

Oh. What would make Robin happy on this perfect spring day?

Me? Mm.

Oh, I don't know. Been a long time

since anyone's asked me that. Well, I'm askin'.

Okay, then what would make me happy

is to know that you're happy...

Oh. To know that you could find love again.

Oh. Don't you worry. I have.

Oh. I snagged me a beautiful young fiancée.

Oh. Yes, ma'am. Gorgeous...

Young Russian girl.

Oh, well, look... look at that. Mmm.

See? Happy now. Aw.

Please, don't stop. Uh, you've got a gorgeous voice.

Ohh. Thank you. Everybody say it's shit.

What?

Come on. No!

No, it's... It's a full-bodied... Sound

that is just... Very special.

Mm. What are you... what are you cooking there?

It smells delicious.

Oh, uh, shchi. Cabbage soup. You try?

Oh, no. Oh, please, i see you're too skinny.

R...

You are the first woman who's called me that

in, oh, about 11 years.

I am Oksana. I live with Rob.

Oh. I'm Nate. I live with, uh...

I am glad you're here. I need help cooking.

Yeah. Please remove dress.

Uh... Sorry. S... uh, what?

It's very expensive. I can't get flour on.

Unzip and take off now, please.

I don't know if I'm allowed to...

Don't be weak. Dough is in critical stage.

Unzip! Yeah.

Okay, yeah. I mean, if it's for the dough, sure.

I mean... Quickly.

Yep. I just... Just pull it down.

- Yep, I got it. I got how zippers work. - Oh.

Here we go. Take off the dress.

All the way off? Yes.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

Oh, come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yep, yep. Yep, okay. There we go.

Mmm. Right?

Strong hands.

You like vodka?

Ohh. I really...

Really do.

Mmm. Russian.

Yeah. Of all the clear spirits...

Drink. My favorite.

Cheers. Mmm.

Mmm.

I honestly cannot say enough about her.

If you love her this much, you should marry her.

I would if I could.

Sadly, it's been difficult

finding anyone willing to officiate.

Why? Well, for starters, she's Jewish.

Are you kidding me? Because she's Jewish?

Well... What is wrong with the south?

And with her visa expiring and whatnot...

I'm actually in danger of losing her...

Forever.

No.

I'm sorry. I love her.

I've never seen a man so in touch with his emotions.

You know my husband, Nate?

He tries to be real macho. Now you hush.

You're making your husband sound like some dumb goon.

Yeah. Yeah.

What am I witnessing?

We're cookin'. We're just cookin'.

Nate, I see you've met Oksana.

What?

What? She didn't wanna get flour on her nice dress.

Female voice: No activity to report.

No activity to report.

Human activity detected.

Why, hello there.

Who are you? You're so beautiful.

No. W-where are you going? Wait! No! No!

No activity to report. Where'd you go? Wait.

Human activity detected. No!

Nice try, buddy. She's mine.