The Last Family (Ostatnia rodzina)

THIS FILM IS BASED ON REAL EVENTS

The things I'm imagining, the things that engage my attention,

are all taking place in some made-up metareality.

Let's say I fire up my computer

to order a tuned-up version of Alicia Silverstone

with major sadistic tendencies built in,

lower her age to 18

and extend her legs by 10 centimeters.

I want her to make me feel like trash, so I program her to have 6 PhDs,

tenure at MIT, the strength of Andrzej Golota

and a black belt in karate, then I click "Apply".

My doorbell rings.

There's a nude 18-year-old MIT professor with 6 PhDs right outside.

She kicks me in the gut, knocks me down, ties me up and gags me,

then spends 2 hours sitting on my head, smothering me in various ways,

breaking my arms and legs,

snapping my fingers like twigs and ripping off my nails.

I orgasm time after time, then convulse and die.

So that's what you need these computers for...

But I won't live to see this type of virtual reality come true.

See you, Maestro.

Later!

THE LAST FAMILY

This building has an incredible face!

Look, Zdzisio!

Do you see it, dear? Take a picture.

Personally, I prefer that head with the antennas.

I'm just saying that it looks interesting.

- But Zosia, I never said it didn't! - I don't think anyone lives there yet.

That's good! Maybe they heard that Tomek Beksinski is moving in!

Oh, Beksinski... He's been awfully lonely.

Good God... I keep telling him:

start going to lectures, you'll surely meet someone!

He says that getting up for his 8AM class

would cost him 2 whole days of life. Well!

To the top.

Does my breath reek?

No, sonny.

At least it's close by.

Oh, come on.

It's natural for a construction site to smell of concrete, plaster,

glue and smokes...

Tommy! What's going on? What's this?

Shit. The mark of the working class.

- Hi, Tomek. - Leave me alone!

Come in, please.

Lovely! It's going to be so nice here!

Concrete. I like this smell.

Good Lord, what is she doing by that window?

What are you doing there, you poor thing?

Look, Ma.

That's just pitiful.

- What's wrong? - I just got zapped.

Zapped?! But how?! I'll file a complaint...

Suits you right!

Fucking Warsaw, see!

Everything's still under warranty...

How are you going to handle living here alone, Tomek?

- I'm going back to Sanok. - But there's nothing there anymore...

- I'm not gonna live here! - But look at the gorgeous view...

Smash this.

See? It's fine.

It's been raining all day long.

Had to take an umbrella when I went shopping.

I'll check the barometer.

God, what a day.

- Are you all right, Ma? - I'm reading.

- Ma... - Zosia!

There! Over there...

It's okay. It's all right.

Come on, don't be afraid,

you'll go back outside safe and sound.

I just can't get anything done today.

My head's been bloody pounding since morning.

I'm still upset about Tomek.

He's going through this mental All Souls phase right now...

Want to take a pill?

I already took some, my heart's acting up.

You could go see him...

- Say you went for a walk... - In this weather?!

Or bring him a record...

I'm going, I'm going.

Jesus!

You scared the living daylights out of me!

- Do you want to kill me or something? - And you?

What time is it?

I've only been asleep for 2 hours! Have some fucking mercy, man!

- What are you doing here, anyway? - I broke your door down.

- I'll go get my tools and fix it. - I can't believe it!

- I knocked and rang the doorbell... - Bloody hell, this is my apartment!

I know. And I think you're right. But your mother's concerned.

You skipped lunch for the second day in a row.

I can't get any work done when the girls keep gabbing...

- Get it? - All right, fine.

If I had some gal here? What would you do?

In that case I'd be happy to beg your pardon and eat my hat.

Aren't you happy now?

I am, but I'm worried about your door and my shoulder.

The ache radiates all the way down to my fingers.

- You're concerned about me? - How could we not be concerned?!

We're not the monsters you might be taking us for!

Listen...

Listen, I need some...

Maybe a dog or something.

I feel I'm going to go bonkers out here.

Or maybe I could see a doctor...

I'll fix you an appointment. Oh, sorry.

Thanks, Pops.

- Thanks. Bye. - Bye...

Mother of God!

My first cat was all white. Her name was Justyna.

She was such a lovely little fuzzball.

She chewed through my video player's power cord and got electrocuted.

Eleonora... A big black cat.

She wandered out to the balcony, fell off

and died on the sidewalk in front of the building.

So I quit caring about animals.

I want you to talk to me like a human being!

Fuck! One of these days I'll bring a bottle of gasoline

and pour it all over your apartment.

We'll see if you keep sitting and staring at me,

or finally show a glimpse of human reaction!

I need a reaction! Shit, I need a response!

What am I supposed to do? Pitch an ashtray at you or what?

I remember

seeing a nude...

which looked perfectly terrifying

because it was stitched together, as if falling apart.

Just like this face.

It's not stitched together or falling apart.

- But it's covered up. - Yes, it's covered.

What about the landscape behind you? The cross - that means eternity, right?

And a shred of some living being. You can't tell me it's a happy picture.

It's not happy, but why would you call it tragic?

It looks like the aftermath of a tragedy.

I don't know...

Thank you. That'll be all.

Thank you very much.

- Thanks, Zosia. - Sugar?

- No, thanks. - Congratulations!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

We'll button this right up...

Let's go.

Yesterday I thought I was about to die.

I even dreamed about my funeral,

woke up in this little coffin... And today I'm just too alive.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You didn't bother me none.

While we're on the subject...

Who'll be the first one in the tomb out of our household?

I haven't given it a lot of thought...

But our Tomek could end up buried first.

That's what I think too... but we'll keep it a secret.

A secret.

Where are my glasses?

There's never enough pepper.

Go slow and chew well.

I named this dish Beksinski's Delight and they picked it up already!

I eat like a pig. Spilled food all over myself, as usual.

Stravinsky was one hell of a sloppy eater,

he splashed food around the neighboring tables and loudly slurped:

"That's so good!"

Zosia!

What is this shit?

Not bad.

I'll take it.

Hi, Tomek!

Fucking Tommy-kins!

Lighting up already, eh?

It's my house.

I'll reheat this for you. Go on, sit down.

Get out of the kitchen, all of you! I'll cook on my own!

People should only get 50 years to live

before they're terminated with a lethal injection.

Enough with these utopian 19th century theories, already!

People in power tend to be men around the age of 50.

They wouldn't exactly let you give them a lethal injection.

So they shouldn't be in power! Fine.

But life isn't about what should or shouldn't be.

If it was, we'd be living in a perfect world. You've taken classes in dialectics,

so you shouldn't be this juvenile! Spouting these fairytale lines.

I know I'm 50, but that's not what pisses me off!

- Here. Just the chunky bits. - Fine...

Ketchup!

- This gets me wet. - Perfectly fresh.

At least he's not running around with a razor,

threatening to slice up his grandmas!

I only consider knives and razor blades in relation to my own wrists.

You ought to get into some classmate's slit instead.

- Maybe that'd disinhibit you some. - You go get into someone's slit!

Oh, stop it.

Such a serious father-son talk.

When someone's having love troubles or something,

the other guy tells him: go screw someone, it'll help!

People don't normally hang out their love troubles for all to see,

like "Hey, I'm having love troubles, come cry with me a bit".

It's enough to get a guy flustered! That's why folks resort to crude lines.

It's a tough-guy thing, not an attempt at actual advice.

What could you advise in that situation?

Turns out some people are capable of providing advice