Bottoms

Tonight is the fucking night, okay?

We've looked like shit for years, and we are developing.

I would say I'm actually mostly developed.

We're finally hot. At least, according to me.

We're getting out there.

We're getting in the cooch, my girl.

We are getting in the puss and we're gettin' wet.

Man, speak for yourself.

Nobody's gonna wanna fuck me this year,

just like nobody wanted to fuck me last year or the year before.

Okay, well, I'm gonna talk to Brittany.

I think that it's time.

Oh, really? It's time?

There wasn't time in the last 11 years

we've all been going to school together?

I've been building tension.

You know, you could say hi to Isabel.

Yeah, okay.

And just what would I say?

Like, "Hey, girl, what's up? How's your boyfriend?

How's his penis?

Still awesome and big and throbbing and, uh, like a male penis?"

They could have broken up, you never know.

The fair is like a completely fresh start.

I'm not doin' that with Isabel, you know what I mean?

Like, I'm... I'm... I'm playin' the long game with her, okay?

- Mmm. - Here's how it's gonna shake out.

I don't speak to the bitch for years.

Bam! It's the 20th high school reunion.

I show up, I'm in a little suit

like the lesbian I am, you know what I mean?

It's probably white, okay?

She looks at me, I look back at her.

What the fuck happened to her?

She's washed up.

I mean Jeff has run her ragged.

That's when my ass swoops in, okay?

That made me so sad. What? Okay.

Josie, tick-tock.

We're not gonna be sexy little high schoolers forever.

Soon we're gonna be old hags in college.

Do you wanna be the only girl virgin at Sarah Lawrence?

Yeah, honestly, maybe.

I might have a good shot that way.

I don't need this negative, really sad attitude. Please.

What the fuck are you wearing?

It's really not too late to turn around, you know?

I think you wanna be here.

Who said that?

- Where'd you get that idea? - I'm just feeling...

You're getting nervous because of how excited you are.

- No. No, no. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and we're crossing. And we're getting in there.

No, I can't, I'm sorry. Ahhh! Fuck, my arm!

There's nothing wrong with your arm.

You have Munchausen's.

Look, just follow my lead.

- Hello, ladies. - Oh.

Oh. You know what?

- Just keep going. - How was your summer?

- Good to see you. - Okay, you know what?

Uh, it's not gonna happen, okay?

This school has such a gay problem.

Okay, no. No one hates us for being gay.

Everyone hates us for being gay, untalented, and ugly.

Like, look at Matthieu.

Rock on, man. Killin' it.

I love what you're doing with the school play.

- Thanks, bitch. -

- Fuck! - Yeah.

Knocks it out of the park, every year.

- Every show. - Yeah.

- - Ooh. Popcorn.

Don't mind if I do.

- -

- Hey, guys. - Hi, Hazel.

Oh, hey, Hazel. How was your summer?

Were you with your uncle at the slop farm?

If you mean volunteering at the National Meat Association,

yeah, it was good.

What are you guys doing here?

You guys never come to the fair.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, my God, she ate shit is what happened.

She ate literal shit? What the fuck?

- Mmm. - Or did you get beat up again?

No, I just tripped and I--

Or were you jumped? Was it spy camp?

Did you go to juvie?

- Yeah, we went to juvie. - Ladies and gentlemen...

- Oh, my God, it was juvie? - ...it's time to get ready,

get wild, and get horny for our very own Vikings!

Oh, my God, what did you do?

- - And the man who will lead us to victory

against the evil, maniacal,

shit-eating Huntington Ferrets,

let's hear it for Jeff!

Jeff! Have my babies!

Jeff, fill me with your seed!

- -

I just don't get why girls like guys like that.

It's like they're like dogs, or pigs, or is there a...

What's the grossest animal?

Jeff, come sign my tits!

- - Eat my pussy!

That's right.

Oh, fuck. Uh, Hazel.

Gimme that. Josie, take this. Take this.

- Take this. - No.

Really quick. This is the moment.

Stop yelling at me!

Could you give that back really quickly?

- Hey, Brittany. - PJ.

I am loving all the...

holes in your pants.

Thanks.

You look like a little Dutch boy.

Thank you.

So, Britt... Can I call you Britt?

I prefer if you just called me my name.

- Britt-a-nay. Um, but... - No, not that.

Brittany.

Are you thinking of riding the Ferris wheel at all tonight?

I wasn't. I'm going on the puke and duke.

I need to pull trig.

- No, you don't. - Yeah, I do.

I'm gonna say something crazy.

I think you could eat food,

digest it, let it marinate, poop it out.

Mmm, gross.

Maybe this? You want a bite of this?

- Oh, no. - Yeah, this is fucking disgusting. Ugh.

You want a hot dog? We could go get hot dogs.

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, we could get the bun and the ketchup.

- No bun. No. - You gotta get the bun.

- Yes, you could. - No.

No bun. Okay.

Um, Isabel.

Josie was just saying something similar to me.

I don't think so.

I think so. It was really good.

It was super funny.

You're just so-- You're skinny too, as well.

I'm Josie, by the way, good evening.

Yeah, you're skinny--

You're real skinny minnie, aren't ya?

You probably should eat.

They're gonna send you to the hospital with how skinny you are.

Uh-oh, call the doctor. Skinny girl, I see.

Okay, do you guys want any of our tickets?

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Fuck! Fuck!

I don't want to say it, but we're fucked.

You know what? I'm good.

'Cause it's not gonna happen for me.

If it's not happening here,

then it's definitely not happening at Emerson, okay?

I'm done trying to sow my damn oats.

- No. - I'm packing up my vagina

and I'm fucking Matthieu.

That's the only hope for me.

- No. - It's me and Matthieu, man.

And 'cause he's gay and fearless,

he's probably gonna fuck me without protection.

Then I'm gonna get pregnant.

We're going to have to join a church.

He'll be the gay pastor.

My whole life's fucked!

And yeah, sure, his sermons are good,

but everybody knows he's fruity.

Everybody knows he's fucking fruity!

By the way, our son, Hezekiah, hates us

'cause he knows we're both closeted,

but we try to make it work for him, but he's not happy.

And yeah, guess what?

The deacon's fucking the evangelist, man!

He's fucking the evangelist!

I don't wanna live like that.

- Isabel. - Leave me alone!

- Stop following me. - Wait, shut up.

- What? - Look.

- Don't touch me. - Isabel, baby.

My teeny, tiny baby girl.

Why do you always have to flirt with other women?

It doesn't count if they're not in high school.

Especially Mrs. Reilly!

- Josie, offer her a ride. - I don't think so.

Yes, come on.

...Irish Catholic.

- And I'm regular Christian! -

- Josie, ask her. Come on. - PJ, stop.

You're hurting my head.

You're attacking me, and it's giving me a migraine.

And it's giving me PTSD about all the other times I've had migraines.

- Just do it now. - No.

- Just go fucking ask her. - No. Isabel, would you like a safety ride?

Isabel.

- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.

- Isabel... -