The League

I dominated you last year like the '85 Bears.

Oh, God. And so I present to you...

...the "Shiva Bowl Shuffle"!

I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500

Out of trouble

But now I'm here To do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

I'm the best and you're the worst

And if you need any proof This was Kevin's first

Oh, you know what?

Ruxin's number one It's true, you can't stop him

Meet the rest of my team Pete top, Kevin bottom

I'm MJD Ruxin's first pick in the draft

Holy shitballs. He went with me and we kicked your ass

Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D

Keeping Ruxin winning with my five I-N-Ts

I'm Sidney Rice, I'm hip to the I-R

But won Ruxin the Shiva With my late-season charge

His whole fantasy team.

We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle Now we're here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Ruxin's better than you, Pete Hate to burst your bubble

And that's why we're doing The Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Shivakamini Somakandarkram

He likes fine wine And risotto with truffles

And now he's doing The Shiva Bowl Shuffle

He's the league champion With George Clooney stubble

And we're all doing The Shiva Bowl Shuffle

Good evening, my lords and ladies.

Perhaps I can interest you in a fair ditty.

Now, I play for my heart, but I don't mind a ha'penny or two.

He's really getting a lot better.

Lessons have helped. You made him take lessons?

I told him his punishment was to play the flute.

Oh. He took lessons on his own.

Oh, no, turn around. Gotta keep going.

Work the finish. Do the kicks.

Ah, your horseless carriage.

Oh, that girl looks terrified.

It's definitely less creepy when you follow them onto the bus.

I'll be here all week.

Wow. Bravo. Very nice.

Is this over? Am I done with my Sacko punishment?

No. Not yet. No, you're still the worst.

First you make me grow this stupid goatee.

Then you don't let me out my hair since the end of the season.

This is ridiculous. And you, you're no better.

Go take down that beehive in your backyard. I have no tolerance for bees.

Hey, what about the new patient I got you? Oh, the labiaplasty? Check this out.

Lovely woman comes in, wants a labiaplasty.

I look under the hood and-- Oh, God.

What? You sent me a transvestite.

You're not even supposed to be giving out Sacko punishments.

Isn't there some Sacko amnesty board I can appeal to? Please, please, please.

No. I am the Sacko commissioner. There is no board.

Doesn't sound like a real job-- Hey, that's what losers say, okay?

And don't you forget, if you do not complete all of the Sacko punishments...

...you will remain the Sacko forever.

These rules suck. You know what the worst part is?

These mongrels keep on asking me to play Kenny G.

Uh, duh. Kenny G played the sax.

You know any Kenny G? No, I don't. That's the whole thing.

I only play Yanni. Yanni!

Every time I think we've gone too far, he reminds us we haven't gone far enough.

Good news, you're becoming one heck of a flute player.

Uh, it is "flautist," thank you very much.

And you would know, from all your years of playing the skin flute down here. Oh.

You just have to put your fingers up here now.

It's the skin flaut.

When is this Sacko punishment gonna actually end?

You know the deal, Andre.

The day of the draft, you can shave off whatever you like.

Shivakamini Somakandarkram. Oh, my God.

Shivakamini Somakandarkram.

You're the worst.

Now, Andre, do you see yourself more as like a rapist who does magic...

...or a magician who also likes to rape?

Well, with me, magic always comes first.

Of course. I want the season to start so badly.

I wanna shave this off, I wanna be a new man.

Stop complaining. You're lucky we're having a season.

This almost didn't happen. We would've been the losers.

This guy would've been champion for another year.

No way Smith and Goodell would've let that happen.

Well, I am champion this year, and I feel like it's time to step it up a notch.

I wish I could take out the Shiva every day...

...and show it to you pathetic, also-ran shit-sippers, but I can't.

What did you do to the Shiva? I didn't touch it.

What did you do to the Dre? I will never touch the Dre.

But I did do this.

Barn!

It says "Shiva champ." It says "suck it" on the side, though.

Ah! Ow.

I Pretty Woman-ed you. So with this ring, I thee wed, Shiva.

Wow. You wanna touch it?

No.

Wanna smell it? Get it out of my face, please.

You wanna kiss it?

A little Shiva-lingus? Come on, Kevin, find out if it tastes the same.

One ring to rule them...

...one ring to find them, in darkness bind them.

You are Sauron.

What the hell are you talking about?

Uh, Lord of the Rings. Ever read it?

Oh, you're so alone. I'm not alone.

What's Taco doing here? I thought Taco was on his trip.

Hey, long time no see.

When did he get back?

Oh, man, I missed you so much. Ha, ha.

Hello?

Oh, hey. What are you guys doing here? When did you get back?

Came from the airport. That's why I have luggage.

You traveled around the world for seven months with a glorified fanny pack?

Easy. I used my international Eskimo brothers network.

These guys don't know who Sauron is.

When did you become a high school music teacher?

Oh, actually, I am a flautist.

You play the flaut? Buck.

Buck. Hi.

So you're in the Taliban now?

No, not anymore. Worst April of my life.

Hey, bang, bang, what the hang? Bang, bang.

What's that? When I was in Algeria...

...I was an actor on a soap opera. What?

Howdy, folks.

Whoa. What?

I want you to meet my boyfriend, Buck.

American? That's right, I'm American.

Bang, bang, what's the hang?

What are you supposed to be?

I'm an American rapper-slash-cowboy- slash-cautionary tale.

These are actually pretty comfortable.

Oh, Taco, a burka? What?

Back in the U.S.A., we get venereal disease from our cell phones...

...and homeless people know karate and carry guns.

You have a relationship with the costar? No, we were just having sex.

Baba, Mama, we're in love.

For shizzle, Muslizzles.

Rama-damn. Are you under contract?

Are you going back? Well, we shot two endings.

In one ending, I marry Husna.

And in one ending, I wear this weird vest with wires on it.

I walk into a building and wake up with 40 virgins.

Oh, my God. Whoa, spoiler alert.

Hey. "To correct bad behavior, use a low, stern voice and a foot stomp."

Stay. Stay.

Good boy.

Good boy. Hey.

You do realize I wanted a baby, right?

Yeah, I do realize. Yeah.

I don't feel virile right now. I'm not inspired to go into this season.

I have a very low draft drive.

You gotta know that me having a baby is not gonna fix that.

Knocking me up doesn't make you a champion.

I, as much as I wish I could, cannot give birth to a Shiva.

You gotta win it.

I can win things on my own. I can do stuff on my own.

I can eat Pop-Tarts raw.

Use a plate.

Why? We have a furry DustBuster now.

Pst. Here you go. Go get it.

Use a plate.

Okay.

Let's pick the draft order and get things going.

Let's do it. Really?

This is what you have prepared? Names out of a hat?

I'm not here to entertain you. This is about winning.

I'm streamlining the process. And this isn't a hat. This is, uh...

It's a cobra box that I brought back from India, the country.

Exactly. Are we waiting for Ruxin or...?

No, we have a quorum. Let's get this done.

I have an appointment with my barber. All right, the first person to pick...

...in the 2011 draft will be...

Let's get it. This is gonna be good.

Okay.

Hmm. Ruxin.

Oh, man. Come on.

So the first pick in the 2011 draft goes to...

Wait. No, no, we're not gonna do-- Yeah.

We should do this. This is very simple, okay?

We just say, "Hey, Ruxin, you pick, like, fifth."

And it'll be totally fine as long as one of us is drafting after him.

Right?

Oh. Oh, no. Yeah, well, that seems appropriate.

Me? It'll be your last Sacko punishment.

Okay, here we go. First pick in the draft...

Goes to... Because we haven't picked anything yet.

Ow. Ow. Taco, my finger's caught.

Are you serious? It's pinching a little bit.

Yeah, it's a cobra box. It's a finger lock.

It's not coming-- Jesus.

It won't come off.

Ow. It hurts so bad when I pull hard.

Oh, good, that means it's authentic. Ow.

And last but not least, we have Chuck.

All right. Mr. Chuck.

And that's that. All right, we're good?

Everybody good? Don't tell him anything.

Absolutely. So we're not gonna tell Rux--

Oh.

I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I was getting my ring fitted.

Look at that. It's nice.