Kate & Koji

'I Only Wanna Be With You'

'I Only Wanna Be With You'

OK, here's another one for you.

OK, here's another one for you.

Who would win in a fight

between Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton?

between Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton?

Despite their differences, I think it is highly unlikely

Despite their differences, I think it is highly unlikely

that they would engage in a fistfight.

You really don't get this game, do you?

You really don't get this game, do you?

Well, who do you think would win?

Er, I would go for Kate Middleton

Er, I would go for Kate Middleton

because she has a longer reach and she went to uni in Scotland.

because she has a longer reach and she went to uni in Scotland.

All right, how about this one?

Er, who would win in a fight between Mary Berry and...

Er, who would win in a fight between Mary Berry and...

Er, who would win in a fight between Mary Berry and...

Gordon Ramsay?

Again, I see no reason why they would fight,

they are both reasonable people.

You've never seen Gordon Ramsay, have you?

You've never seen Gordon Ramsay, have you?

People are scum!

And that was thought for the day.

And that was thought for the day.

Someone's only nicked Mum's bench.

Someone's only nicked Mum's bench.

What?

Well, come and see for yourself.

Well, come and see for yourself.

Koji, you're in charge.

Koji, you're in charge.

Nobody'd steal a bench, not even here.

Nobody'd steal a bench, not even here.

Medium said someone once stole a traffic island.

Medium said someone once stole a traffic island.

A traffic island, yeah.

And the war memorial, someone did steal that.

And the war memorial, someone did steal that.

And somebody stole the pier for the scrap metal.

And somebody stole the pier for the scrap metal.

It used to be much longer.

It used to be much longer.

I don't believe it.

I'm so sorry, Auntie.

I'm so sorry, Auntie.

Some people, they'll steal anything that's not bolted down.

Some people, they'll steal anything that's not bolted down.

It was bolted down.

Isn't that it?

It's been vandalised!

Vandalised?

Well, someone's repainted it, that's vandalism.

Well, someone's repainted it, that's vandalism.

Wasn't yellow your mum's favourite colour?

Well, yeah, but not that yellow.

Well, yeah, but not that yellow.

She liked proper yellowy yellow.

She liked proper yellowy yellow.

It's actually a nicer view, you know,

it's not overlooking the car park.

The car park's what Mum liked.

The car park's what Mum liked.

She used to love sitting watching the mods and rockers

She used to love sitting watching the mods and rockers

beating the crap out of one another.

beating the crap out of one another.

It is... This has got Councillor Bone's mucky fingerprints

It is... This has got Councillor Bone's mucky fingerprints

all over it. I'm gonna have words with her.

all over it. I'm gonna have words with her.

Think I know what those words are gonna be.

But it's got milk in it,

But it's got milk in it,

so surely cheese is good for bone density.

so surely cheese is good for bone density.

Yes, but not if it is applied externally.

Yes, but not if it is applied externally.

Anyway, just... Why are you standing up?

Anyway, just... Why are you standing up?

My Fitbit told me to.

Now it's telling me to go for a walk.

Now it's telling me to go for a walk.

Yes, you should do that.

Yes, you should do that.

DOOR OPENS

I never thought it'd still be here!

I never thought it'd still be here!

Same curtains, same lino.

Ha, same plastic lobster.

Ha, same plastic lobster.

Go on, here y'are.

Ha!

Can I advise you not to take any selfies

once the proprietor returns?

That's fourth on the banned list

after humming, burping, and sticking up for Gwyneth Paltrow.

after humming, burping, and sticking up for Gwyneth Paltrow.

That's a new entry.

So who is the proprietor?

Well... DOOR OPENS

Whenever I sat on that bench,

I always felt Mum was there sitting next to me.

I always felt Mum was there sitting next to me.

Now she's standing there shouting,

Now she's standing there shouting,

"Who's moved me sodding bench?!" I'm gonna...

"Who's moved me sodding bench?!" I'm gonna...

Hello, stranger.

Uncle Dennis.

You're still here.

Katie Cupcake.

Katie Cupcake.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to show Rosa the old place.

I'm Rosa. Hello.

Rosa is the most important person in my life.

Rosa is the most important person in my life.

She your carer?

She your carer?

See, I told you, great sense of humour.

See, I told you, great sense of humour.

See, I told you, great sense of humour.

Guys used to ask, "Why on earth did you marry Kate?"

Guys used to ask, "Why on earth did you marry Kate?"

And I'd tell them, she's got this great sense of humour.

And I'd tell them, she's got this great sense of humour.

Rosa is my wife.

Why is she taking photos?

Why is she taking photos?

I'm sorry, your cafe is so cute, it's like a museum of the past.

I'm sorry, your cafe is so cute, it's like a museum of the past.

I'm sorry, your cafe is so cute, it's like a museum of the past.

What are you looking at?

It's like she's looking through me at something,

but there's nothing there. You'll be fine,

maybe just don't say anything else for a little while.

maybe just don't say anything else for a little while.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

No digas eso. You speak Spanish?

No digas eso. You speak Spanish?

Evening classes. I'd already learned French and Italian,

Evening classes. I'd already learned French and Italian,

and Spanish is just Italian with a lisp.

Rosa's your wife? Yeah.

She's a doctor of economics.

She's a doctor of economics.

She speaks five languages, don't you, darling? Mm-hm.

She speaks five languages, don't you, darling? Mm-hm.

My dive business means that we have to split our time

My dive business means that we have to split our time

between the Seychelles and the Florida Keys,

between the Seychelles and the Florida Keys,

and we are on a bit of a European tour.

and we are on a bit of a European tour.

Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Oh, is that right? Yeah.

So, how about you, Katie?

You still in that same little flat?

Er... yes.

And still unattached?

No, I'm engaged.

To Koji here.

He's a doctor.

Yeah, a proper one. Medical one.

Yeah, a proper one. Medical one.

And, er, we're getting married next summer, aren't we, darling?

And, er, we're getting married next summer, aren't we, darling?

And, er, we're getting married next summer, aren't we, darling?

Yes.

We are very much in love.

We are very much in love.

We are lovebirds.

We are lovebirds.

Lovebirds. SHE CHUCKLES

Lovebirds. SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

Congratulate them, Dennis. Yeah!

Congratulate them, Dennis. Yeah!

Congratulations.

So, you're quite a bit older than him, then?

So, you're quite a bit older than him, then?

Yeah, he's 42. Rosa's 34.

Yeah, he's 42. Rosa's 34.

So just under half your age.

So just under half your age.

Just over, actually. Under.

He always was crap at maths.

And everything else, you'll find.

And everything else, you'll find.

Kate.

You cannot take part in my annual charity quiz tonight

You cannot take part in my annual charity quiz tonight

unless you register your team members online.

unless you register your team members online.