Spider-Man: Homecoming

Things are never gonna be the same now.

I mean, look at this.

You got aliens.

You got big green guys tearing down buildings.

You got big green guys tearing down buildings.

When I was a kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians.

Actually, it's Native American, but whatever.

Yeah. Tell you what, though.

It ain't bad, is it?

No. Yeah.

Kid's got a future.

Yeah, well...

...we'll see, I guess.

No, hey!

You can't saw through that stuff.

These alien bastards are tough.

You gotta use the stuff they use.

- See? All right. - All right.

Oh, hey!

Glad you could join us. Afternoon.

- Yeah. My alarm didn't go off. - Yeah, your alarm.

Look, just go stack that armor plating like I asked you.

This is a huge deal for us.

Attention, please!

In accordance with Executive Order 396B...

...all post-battle cleanup operations are now under our jurisdiction.

Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here.

Who the hell are you?

Qualified personnel.

Look, I have a city contract to salvage all this, okay, with the city, so--

I apologize, Mr. Toomes, but all salvage operations are now under our jurisdiction.

Please turn over any and all exotic materials that you've collected...

...or you will be prosecuted.

Ma'am, what am--?

Please. Come here. Hey, lady, come on.

Look...

...I bought trucks for this job.

I brought in a whole new crew.

These guys have a family. I have a family.

I'm all in on this. I could lose my house.

I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do.

Maybe next time, don't overextend yourself.

What'd you say?

Yeah.

He's right. I overextended myself.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Don't do it.

Put them down.

If you have a grievance, you may take it up with my superiors.

Your superiors. Who the hell are they?

A joint venture between Stark Industries and the government...

...the Department of Damage Control, will oversee the collection...

...and storage of alien and other exotic materials.

Now the assholes who made this mess are paid to clean it up.

Yeah, it's all rigged.

Experts estimate there are over 1500 tons of exotic material...

...scattered throughout the tri-state area.

Hey, chief!

We have another load from yesterday. We're supposed to turn this in, right?

I ain't hauling it.

It's too bad.

We could have made some cool stuff from all that alien junk.

I tell you what.

Let's keep it.

The world's changing.

It's time we change, too.

There you go, Mason.

Business is good.

New York. Queens.

- It's a rough borough, but, hey, it's home. - Who you talking to?

No one. Just making a little video of the trip.

- You know you can't show it to anyone. - Yeah, I know.

Then why are you narrating in that voice?

- Because it's fun. - Fun.

So why do they call you Happy?

Come on. I'm not carrying your bags. Let's go.

Hey, should I go to the bathroom before?

There's a bathroom on it.

No pilot? That's awesome.

- Is that where you're gonna sit? - Yeah.

This is your first time on a private plane?

My first time on any plane.

Should it--? Should it be--? Should it be making that noise?

No one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin or what I'm doing.

Something about Captain America going crazy.

- This is you. - Oh, we're neighbors?

We're not roommates. Suit up.

Okay, Peter, you got this.

- What the hell are you wearing? - It's my suit.

- Where's the case? - What case?

What? I thought that was a closet.

- This is still my room? - Go.

- My room is way bigger than-- - There.

I found the case. I found the case.

"A minor upgrade"?

Oh, my God.

- Put it on. - What the--?

This is the coolest thing I've ever seen--

- Let's go. - But, yeah. Well, I don't understand.

Is it for me? Happy. Happy, wait.

This is insane. Insane.

Look at this thing. Look. Look at the eyes.

- This is the greatest day of my life. - Let's go.

Okay, there's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow. Who's that new guy?

- Underoos! - Oh, that's me. I gotta go. I gotta go.

Hey, everyone.

The craziest thing just happened.

I just had a fight with Captain America. I stole his shield. I threw it at him--

What the hell? He's big now. I gotta go. Hang on.

It was the most amazing thing! Mr. Stark was like, "Hey, Underoos!"

I flipped in and stole Cap's shield. I was like, "What's up, everybody?"

And then-- Hey, just a second!

Coming!

Hey.

We have thin walls here.

What are you doing, a little video diary?

- Yeah. - It's all right.

- I'd do the same thing. - I told him not to.

- He was filming. I'm gonna wipe the chip. - Okay.

Hey. You know what?

We should make an alibi video for your aunt anyway. You ready?

- An alibi? Sure. Okay. - We rolling? Get in the frame.

Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope.

Peter, that's inappropriate. Let's start over. You can edit it.

Three, two, one. Hey, May.

My gosh, I wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did...

...this weekend at the Stark internship retreat.

Everyone was impressed.

Come on! It's a freaking merge. I'm sorry.

This is because you're not on Queens Boulevard.

See, Happy is hoping to get bumped up to asset management.

He was forehead of security, before that he was a driver.

That was a private conversation.

I don't like joking about this. It was hard to talk about that.

- No, seriously, was he snoring a bunch? - Here we are. End of the line.

- Can you give us a moment? - Want me to leave?

Grab Peter's case out of the trunk.

I can keep the suit?

Yes, we were just talking about it.

Do me a favor, though. Happy's kind of your point guy on this.

Don't stress him out. Don't do anything stupid.

I've seen his cardiogram.

- All right? - Yes.

Don't do anything I would do, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

There's a little gray area in there. That's where you operate.

- Wait, does that mean I'm an Avenger? - No.

- This it? - Seventh floor.

- I can take that. You don't have to. - You'll take it?

- Yeah, I can take that. - Thank you.

So when's our next--? When's our next "retreat," you know?

- What, next mission? - Yeah, the mission. The missions.

- We'll call you. - Do you have my numbers?

No, I mean, we'll call you.

Like, someone will call you. All right?

- From your team. - Okay. All right.

It's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not there yet.

Bye.

They're gonna call me.

What's up, Penis Parker?

Rise and shine, Midtown Science and Technology.

Don't forget about your homecoming tickets.

Do you have a date for homecoming?

Thanks, Jason, but I already have a date.

-Okay. - Yeah.

Damn it. You, in my office right now.

Join me, and together...

...we'll build my new LEGO Death Star.

- What? - So lame.

That's awesome. How many pieces?

Three thousand eight hundred and three.

- That's insane. - I know. You want to build it tonight?

No, I can't tonight. I've got the Stark--

- Stark internship. - Yeah, exactly.

Always got that internship.

Yeah, well, hopefully, soon it'll lead to a real job with them.

- That would be so sweet. - Right?

He'd be all, "Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter.

Here's a gold coin."

- I don't know how jobs work. - That's exactly how they work.

I'll knock out the bones of the Death Star.

I'll come by afterwards. For the most part, the difficult thing is the base of it.

The top half we can knock out in two hours, tops.

That'd be great.

I'm gonna be late.

Okay, so how do we calculate linear acceleration...

...between points A and B?

Flash.

It's the product of sine of the angle and gravity divided by mass.

Nope. Peter. You still with us?

Yeah, yeah.

Mass cancels out, so it's just gravity times sine.

Right. See, Flash, being the fastest isn't always the best if you are wrong.

You're dead.

Today we're talking about Danish physicist Niels Bohr...

...but trust me, there's nothing Bohr-ing...

...about his discoveries regarding quantum theory.

Did Liz get a new top?

No. We've seen that before, but never with that skirt.

- Liz, hey. That looks so good. - Hi!

We should probably stop staring before it gets creepy.

Too late.