Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward

Now...

my best friend's wife is a born again Christian,

and we do not get along at all.

The other day, she called me up to yell at me,

saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband

because he called her a bad name.

I said, "What?

Did he call you a bitch?"

She said, "No, Anthony.

He did not use the B word."

I said, "Uh-oh."

"Did he call you a cunt?"

She said, "No." I said, "Well, then he didn't hear it from me."

Yeah, that's pretty much the greatest opening joke of all time.

Because even if you've never heard of me before,

which I doubt...

you listen to that first joke, you're like, "Oh I get it.

He's fucking brilliant."

My sister just had a baby.

My sister had a baby to try to save the relationship.

But I still don't talk to her.

Guys, this is gonna take forever.

-Um... -

Life can be funny sometimes, all right? Like, I can't get into details right now.

But earlier this week,

I received the single greatest phone call of my life.

And then just five minutes later,

I got another call

telling me that my dad is in the hospital.

I said, "Yeah, I just heard."

I mean, look, I don't want to give you guys the wrong impression, you know.

I didn't hate my father.

My father wasn't a bad guy.

For instance, I never once,

not once, not ever, ever

saw my dad hit my mother.

I mean, he was quick and you can't...

you can't teach speed. That comes from here.

I remember when I was 13,

my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's

and my dad just gave up immediately.

Said, "I can't deal with this, I can't live like this,"

and packed up his car.

So, as a 13-year-old boy,

I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves and say, "Okay.

Guess I'm going with Dad.

Sounds like Mom needs some alone time."

I think, like a lot of guys....

I'll never forget

the one time I saw my dad's penis.

I said, "Dad,

don't text me shit like that."

When I was a kid, my family used to move around a lot.

But now they're all fat as fuck.

To give you an idea...

To give you all an idea of how crazy my family is,

I'm not even the biggest asshole in my own family.

I have this cousin.

Everybody hated this cousin, my own family hated this cousin.

And then a couple of years ago,

my cousin fell off of a horse

and broke his neck.

We all refer to that as "the Superman incident."

Because that horse is a hero.

When I was in high school, my high school employed a blind janitor.

One hundred percent totally blind.

And all the other kids would joke around

that he went blind from masturbating too much.

And at the time, I believed that.

I was just a kid, I didn't know any better.

It wasn't until I got older, wiser, I realized that's just an old wives' tale

they used to use to...

try to explain why he was always masturbating.

One of my good friends is a narcoleptic.

A narcoleptic. It's the craziest shit.

One minute, we're having a conversation, like, everything is completely normal.

And then the next thing I know,

I'm having sex.

-It's... -

Did everybody get that one?

If you didn't get that last joke, don't worry.

This next joke is just like it.

Only dumb.

One of my old friends from high school now works as a doctor

in the emergency room.

He once told me that 25% of his job

is pulling strange objects out of people's asses.

We don't talk much anymore.

But I see him all the time.

If you didn't get either joke, how did you figure out Netflix?

I live in Los Angeles.

Like you fucking wish you could.

Yeah!

I like my place.

I'm not that crazy about my neighbors.

Like, I live on the same street

as three different families of Jehovah's Witnesses.

And no matter how many times I tell them, "No, absolutely not,"

they still come by twice a week

and say, "Anthony,

please stop throwing rocks at our houses."

"Don't push your religion on me."

And they're not even the worst of my neighbors.

One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man

suffering from Alzheimer's.

And every single morning at 9 a.m.

he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I have seen his wife.

Which means...

that every single morning at 9 a.m.

I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer's

that his wife has been dead for quite some time.

Now, I have thought about moving.

I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning,

but to be honest,

it's worth it

just to see the smile on his face.

Yeah, for some reason, that joke's a crowd-pleaser.

My grandmother is suffering from dementia right now.

She forgets who she is,

wanders out of the house and gets lost for hours.

It's a problem.

So what I did...

is I tied a bell around her neck.

Sounds inhumane, sure.

But problem solved.

I mean, that thing is...

really heavy.

If you're not laughing right now...

...the problem is your imagination.

Don't get mad at me 'cause you don't know how big bells can get.

I remember, like, a couple weeks after my grandfather died,

my father discovered a giant trove

of vintage pornography.

Frankly, an embarrassing amount

of vintage pornography.

So I blamed it on Grandpa.

My grandfather died a couple of years ago.

But he died like a king.

No one was even mad.

My grandfather died in what has to be the best way possible.

My grandfather died in a hammock, on a beach in Hawaii

during a sunset.

That's how I want to go out.

Strangled to death.

It just seems like fun.

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone.

Like, do I have it in me to take a human life?

And then I remember...

Oh, yeah, Debbie.

How do you...

How do you forget Debbie?

She was special.

Speaking of special,

went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago,

found that I'm special.

Went to the doctor, took a blood test.

My results came back.

Doctor told me my blood type

is O-negative.

You know what that means?

Means I'm the fucking best.