The Mindy Project

I actually don't mind being single,

because I live in New York City--

the greatest city in the world.

Here's what I do mind... When your lying,

drug addict, two-timing ex-boyfriend

sends you a beautiful wedding invitation.

And he's marrying someone named Corinne?

I'm-- I'm sorry if I'm boring you.

"All You Need Is Love." The Beatles.

Ugh. God.

Yeah?

- Hey. - Hey.

Tomorrow night when we go to Josh's wedding,

do you think we should take your car

or something a little less boring?

I'm asking, 'cause I found this pretty cool flyer

in the trash, for a place in Queens

that rents out "A-1 luxurious USA automobiles."

Your old sports lawyer boyfriend Josh?

Yeah, I can't go.

No, no, no. You're gonna drive,

so I can put on my makeup and drink in the car.

Yeah, Mindy, I really can't go.

My kid brother Richie's in town.

He says he's got big news.

I'm hoping he's moving back to New York.

Your baby brother Richie, who you raised

when your deadbeat dad walked out on you?

Aw, two little guys...

Okay.

Taking on the big city,

sleeping in a sardine can-- Okay.

Do not distract me.

You said that you would come to this wedding with me.

Just go by yourself.

Go by myself to an ex's wedding?

Are you crazy? I'll look pathetic.

I always love going to places alone.

That way, I get to wear my Springsteen bandana,

listen to my transistor radio.

You're describing a pathetic person.

Maybe the universe is telling you

not to go to another ex's wedding.

The last time, you gave an intoxicated speech,

and you rode your bike into a pool.

I guess I could call Josh and tell him

I'm busy with work.

Or I could fake my own death.

No, you know what?

I'm not gonna go down that path.

Okay.

Mindy, hey.

Hey, Josh, I just wanted to say that

I can't come to your wedding

because of a work emergency with a VIP patient.

I wish I could tell you who it is,

but Jay-Z would be furious.

Sorry. It's Beyonce.

Cool, I get it. But just so you know,

you don't need to feel intimidated or anything.

Oh. I don't feel intimidated.

Like I said, it's because of a work thing.

Ah, being a professional woman--

balancing work and personal life,

ah, it's so hard.

It's tough to go to an ex's wedding,

and I got engaged so quickly.

But you'll find someone eventually.

- You're great. - I know that I'm great.

Oh, look, I just got an email from Beyonce.

Turns out, cranberry juice did the trick,

so I can come to your wedding.

Okay, good.

And I'm bringing a date.

Who to ask?

Mmm. Mmm.

- Ugh. -

- - Yuck.

Hello there, young man.

- Hey. - I'm Mindy Lahiri.

Doctor, woman.

Can I help you find what you're looking for,

- who you're looking for? - I--

There he is.

- There he is. There he is. - Whoa. How you doing?

- Give me a kiss. Mwah. - Get over here.

Danny, Danny, is this your trainer?

- It's my little brother Richie. - Wow.

He's hot.

Okay, take it easy, Mrs. Robinson.

- He's not for you. - Okay, I'm way too young

to understand your graduate reference.

Oh, my God. Where are you visiting from?

Heaven?

You look like a young Marlon Brando.

- Look at that skin. - Okay, stop.

- Hey, hey, hey. - A little close.

- Dope outfit. - Thank you.

- I love your hair. That's a fun braid. - Thank you.

Okay, okay. Everybody take it easy.

Richie's here to spend a wild weekend

- with his big brother. - Oh, wild weekend?

- Yeah. - Wild weekend? What are we gonna do?

We gonna watch a Ken Burns documentary

and look at a telescope, fall asleep at 9:30?

Ooh. Burn on you, Dr. C.

I-I'm just visiting for a week from Florida.

Yeah, yeah, he had to tear himself away

- from all those hot bodies down at South Beach, right? - Okay.

I know Florida from the movies.

Are you a cocaine salesman or a pet detective?

Oh, no, I'm a tennis pro on Palm Beach.

Anyway, I'm having a party tomorrow night at my place.

You can't have a party tomorrow night, 'cause I can't make it.

- - I have to go to Josh's wedding.

That's perfect timing.

Okay, look at him. He's got the Castellano curse.

He's got a perfect face.

Hey, guys, Danny's brother is totally gay, right?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- What? What makes you say that? - 100%.

Oh, I know my gay guys.

I let all the guys in my college madrigal group

touch my boob, just so they could feel one.

Yeah, and what straight guy says, "Fun braid"?

Mm.

Oh, my God. Do you think that's why Richie's in town?

He's gonna come out of the closet to Danny,

and Danny's so Catholic.

I mean, he says a prayer before he has chewing gum.

And he does not like surprises.

That's why he hates boxes of chocolate,

because he wants to know what he's gonna get.

Okay, look. I know that 99.9%

of the people who call for an escort

really just want a prostitute.

And of those people who insist that

they just want an escort,

I know that they kinda want sex.

But I am just a nice woman who is looking

for an escort to escort her to a wedding, okay?

And yes, if he's good-looking, I would consider--

Hey, Min.

Word on the street is you're looking

for a plus-one to go to a wedding with you.

No, that-- You are misinformed.

I just heard you on the phone

talking to a prostitute.

For your information, I balked at the price.

You need to let me come.

You need a plus-one. I kill at weddings.

They call me "Mr. Wedding."

That means you scam on all the bridesmaids.

You make everyone clear the dance floor,

so you can break-dance badly.

And then somehow, at the end of the night,

you're up there with the band,

and you're air saxophoning.

Mindy, I can't spend another Saturday night

stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet,

hoping to find a breast-feeding pic.

- God. - I need to meet someone.

In an effort to get you to stop telling me

these sad tales, you can come.

You won't regret this.

And I won't regret this.

Because I probably won't remember any of it.

Okay.

Josh, I can't believe you thought

I was Kerry Washington for a second.

That's so random.

Let's go. I don't wanna miss the cocktail hour.

The door is open, Peter.

My God, if you are wearing cargo shorts

or your "Legalize Weed" t-shirt--

- Whoa. - Hey.

Mr. Wedding. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

God, I feel like he could be in a boy band.

Look at Richie.

- He reminds of a-- like a young you. - Mm-hmm.

I bet you I have to sleep on the couch tonight,

with the white noise machine on.

But you wouldn't be disappointed

if he didn't hook up with a girl, right?

Or, like, if he hooked up with, like, a non-girl?

It better be a non-girl, he's gay.

- - You okay?

You know Richie's gay?

No, Morgan, a straight guy won Mr. Gay Fort Lauderdale.

Yes, I know he's gay, of course.

How did you know this?

You didn't need to be a Columbo.

The fourth grade, he goes to Halloween

dressed as Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct.

- Whoa. - He's gay.

So as many of you know,

Corinne and I met in a carpentry class in rehab.

I hated carpentry. It sucks.

What am I, a caveman? Use metal.