Hollywood Sex Wars

Max: THERE'S A WAR GOING ON EVERY NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD.

BOYS TRYING TO GET LAID.

AND GIRLS TRYING TO GET PAID.

NOW MOST BACHELOR PARTIES SUCK.

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN DUDES

HUDDLED AROUND A SKANKY STRIPPER.

BUT THIS ONE WAS THE SHIT...

AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GUY-- JOHNNY EYELASH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SARAH?

MY SHOE BROKE.

SARAH, HOLD ON, LOOK.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU'RE THE BEST!

Max: THIS IS A STORY OF LOVE AND ROMANCE...

AND WHAT COULD BE MORE ROMANTIC THAN WHORES ON ALL FOURS

WITH STICKS POKING OUT OF THEIR ASSES?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...

NOTHING!

BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

OH, NO.

COME ON, LET'S FUCK.

UH, NO, I CAN'T. I GOTTA GET UP FOR WORK.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME HOME, RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS, ARE YOU?

NO...AND YOU BETTER NOT TELL NOBODY, EITHER.

IT LOOK LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO TELL EVERY GODDAMN BODY.

Max: THERE'S A CERTAIN TYPE OF WOMAN IN L.A.

FROM HERE ON OUT, WE'LL CALL THEM "THE ENEMY."

ACTUALLY, FAHID, THE LAW IS ON PAGE'S SIDE.

THE INJURY WAS SUSTAINED AT WORK, THUS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

SHE WAS DRUNK! SO WHAT?

THERE ARE VERY SPECIFIC RULES.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ANY GIRLS TO WORK HERE FOR MONTHS.

YOU KNOW WE CAN DO IT.

I SAW YOU ALL OVER HIM!

IF LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD, THEN THIS IS THE FRONT LINE.

I WANT MY HAIR! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING ABOUT? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?

SHE WENT HOME WITH MY TUESDAY/THURSDAY, AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.

SHE WAS STILL FUCKING WORKING. YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A CUSTOMER?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS REALLY ISN'T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW, BUT CAN YOU TALK, PLEASE.

WHATEVER! UHH!

GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY EMAIL IN WEEKS.

WHAT?

YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ACCOUNT?

OF COURSE I DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

NOTHING. JUST...

YOU GIRLS ARE FIGHTING OVER A GUY WHO MOST LIKELY COULDN'T CARE LESS

ABOUT EITHER ONE OF YOU EXCEPT FOR TO STICK IT IN. SHE STARTED IT.

WHAT IS HIS NAME? SHAWN.

LAST NAME? UM, I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I KNOW HE WORKS AT THE BEAUTY BAR.

OH, LOOK. HERE WE GO.

SHAWN, 6'1", SOUR MILK BREATH.

YEAH, THAT'S HIM. THREE STARS IN BED?

LIKE THE RESTAURANT SYSTEM?

NO, SWEETIE, OUT OF TEN. YEAH.

OH, LOOK...HPV.

YEAH, THAT'S HIM.

WHAT?

THAT MOTHERFUCKER. OOH, LET ME SEE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF?

WE WERE JUST SO OVER THE LYING, THE GAMES, THE CHEATING,

SO WE STARTED A GROUP WITH OUR FRIENDS TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.

WOW. THIS THING IS AMAZING.

IT WAS...

IT WAS SIX YEARS, AND...

AND IT ENDED SO SUDDENLY.

YEAH, I KNOW, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

AND I THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD HELP, BUT IT DOESN'T.

NO, I GET IT. I GET IT.

I WAS WALKING HOME FROM THE BAR,

AND I SEE THIS CHICK SITTING AT THE BUS STOP.

SHE WASN'T THE HOTTEST, BUT SHE WAS OK FOR THAT TIME OF NIGHT.

ANYWAY, WE GET TO TALKING, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, SHE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.

I JUST GOT TO GET MY STUFF.

THEN I SEE SHE'S GOT THIS BIG PLASTIC BAG WITH ALL HER STUFF IN IT.

SHE'S A VAGABOND. SHE'S PUTTING THE "HO" IN HOMELESS!

BUT I WAKE UP, AND SHE'S CHECKING HER EMAIL.

I MEAN, THAT MAKES SENSE.

I MEAN, WHERE ELSE SHE GONNA CHECK HER EMAIL?

SHE AIN'T GOT NO WIRELESS INTERNET IN THE BUSHES.

WAIT. I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

OKAY.

THAT IS OUR DATERBASE,

AND ANY TIME ONE OF US MEETS A GUY,

WE PUT ALL HIS INFORMATION IN THERE.

OKAY, BUT WHAT FOR?

WE USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU TWO--

YOUNG AND INNOCENT.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE PREY FOR GUYS LIKE HIM.

HE DOESN'T CARE 'CAUSE THERE'S SO MANY GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD,

THERE'S NO ACCOUNTABILITY.

BUT ORGANIZED AND TOGETHER,

IDIOTS LIKE HIM, THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

SO IT'S LIKE A TRADE UNION FOR HOT CHICKS?

WE GOT A SMART ONE HERE, WENDY.

EXACTLY. GIVE IT A TRY.

GO OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND DO A DOUBLE ACT.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS. OH, I DON'T KNOW.

GO AHEAD, GO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRO? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT CHICK? DUDE, SHE WAS FINE.

OHH. YEAH, MAN, I WAS OUTSIDE WITH HER AND HER FRIEND, RIGHT?

OH, NO, THE BUSTED ONE?

YEAH, YEAH, THE BUSTED ONE.

AND, UM, YOU KNOW, SHE WAS GETTING A TEXT FROM SOME DUDE,

AND THEN SHE JUST BROKE OUT,

AND I WAS THERE WITH THE FRIEND,

AND SHE SAID SHE LIVED AROUND THE CORNER, AND I WAS...

REALLY?

YEAH, MAN, I WAS TORE UP DRUNK, MAN.

I SAID FUCK IT.

YEAH, MAN, I MEAN, SHE DID HAVE NICE TITS, THOUGH.

BRO, WE HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER.

HEY, BRO, WHEN YOU TAKE THINGIE HOME,

CAN YOU TAKE THIS ONE HOME, TOO? MAYBE HIT A DRIVE-THRU.

OH, YEAH, MAN, I GOT YOU, BUT WE LEAVING NOW.

OH, HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT OKAY.

HEY. HI.

YEAH, MAN, I GOTTA TAKE THESE HOS HOME, MAN.

AW, SHIT! THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR, JOHNNY EYELASH,

COMING HOME WITH TWO BOMB CHICKS RIGHT NOW.

HE GOT MORE GAME THAN A PHEASANT HUNT. LET'S GO.

HE GONNA CLOWN ME WHEN HE SEES ME WITH THESE GIRLS.

COOL OUT. SQUEEZE THAT. WE GONNA GO IN A SECOND.

YOU'VE SEEN THE ASS, NOW FLASH THE CASH.

FOUR TITTIES AND THE PRICE OF ONE.

DIG DEEP, GENTLEMEN, DIG REAL DEEP.

?

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? DO IT

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? DO IT

? CAN YOU DO IT?

? I, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN

YOU WERE LATE FOR WORK A MINUTE AGO. YEAH.

WHAT'S ALL THIS CLOWNING BUSINESS?

HEY, MAN, I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK, MAN.

IS THIS YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?

WE CAN ALL LEAVE NOW,

OR I CAN PULL THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM ON MY WAY OUT.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. WOULD YOU ALL CHILL OUT?

RELAX, MAN. YOU ALL AIN'T GOT NOWHERE TO BE?

OH, MY GOD! WE GOT TWENTIES!

I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB. I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.

ME TOO! WHAT'S IT CALLED?

THE NAME IS T.O.B. T.O.B.?

JUST COME ON SATURDAY, AND YOU'LL SEE.

OKAY.

WHERE'S YOUR CRAP CAR? MY HEAD HURTS.

I'M REALLY HUNGRY.

DO YOU HAVE AN ASPIRIN?

MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE ASS.

I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY.

JUST GIVE YOUR APPLE, TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY, YOU'LL BE FINE.

WHOA, THOSE CHICKS ARE BUSTED.

GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "WALK OF SHAME," HUH?

HEY, LADIES. YEAH.

MAX. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

GOT YOUR HANDS FULL, HUH, LOVERBOY?

YEAH. HEY, LATER, MAN.

HERE, UH, THIS GET YOU, UM, WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.

FIVE BUCKS? REALLY?

YEAH. UH, OKAY. HOW ABOUT THIS? HERE.

VIENNA SAUSAGES? REALLY?

UM, YEAH. THEY'RE NON-PERISHABLE.

NO, NO, I JUST MEAN--

FUCK YOU!

ALL RIGHT. UH, EMAIL ME.

WHOO!

FUCK YOU GUYS!

ASSHOLES!

WHAT THE FUCK'S UP WITH YOU HAIR TODAY?

WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT MY SHIT, MAN? JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.

OH, ANYWAY, SO, THESE TWO CHICKS COME IN, RIGHT?

FUCKIN' SMOKIN'. BIG FAKE TITS, YOU KNOW.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I'M BUSY, BUT... HOW CAN I RESIST?

BUT AS SOON AS THEY LEFT, I GET THIS FEELING I'VE BEEN CHUMPED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO PUT ONE OVER ON ME.

LIKE THEY'RE NOT REALLY INTO ME, LIKE THEY'RE PRETENDING.

YEAH.

SO, LATER, I'M PRINTING UP THE T-SHIRTS,

IT ALL STARTS TO MAKE SENSE.

"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT

THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED ASSHOLES"?

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE THEY CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH US.

NOW THEY HAVE WHAT? MAN-HATING CLUBS?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, GEE!

JESUS, WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING!

MAN, I'M SO SORRY, BROTHER. ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

NO, I'M NOT OKAY.

SMELLS DANK IN THERE, MAN.

I GOT YOU.