United States of Tara

Doesn't mean you get to lay around the house all day.

I'm job-hunting.

This is a debt-collection agency.

You get 5% of whatever you collect.

Hey. Marshall.

You obviously belong over here, babe. What?

The gayble? You know, the gay table?

I'm straight, but not narrow.

Hey, a-are we sure this is a suicide?

We hardly knew this guy.

We should know our neighbors a little better, right?

Ted mayo. This is my partner, hany. Hi.

Hubbard tried to slit his wrists first.

This is mr. Hubbard's sister.

I just wondered if you'd mind keeping an eye on the house,

Bring in the mail.

Come on, let's buy this house!

Can I get you another beer?

Now, how could I say no to you?

Why don't you have a little more champagne?

Is it a princess cut?

Will you marry me? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Do you think that nick can tell that I had a thing with neil?

The thing between us - it's not just fucking.

And you know it.

I have not transitioned in months, for the record.

Where's your man?

I'm your man.

* open up the sky *

* this mess is getting high *

* it's windy, and our family needs a ride *

* I know we'll be just fine *

* when we learn to love the ride *

* I know we'll be fine *

* when we learn to love the ride *

* I know we'll be just fine *

* when we learn to love the ride *

* if I'm standin' in a crowd *

* call my name *

* call it loud *

* don't go to strangers *

* woman, call on me *

* wave your arm in the air *

* let me know that you're there *

* when in doubt *

* oh, woman, call on me *

hey.

Hey.

Where you been?

I just went for a walk - couldn't sleep.

I think it's the new meds. I woke up at 3:00.

3:00? Whoa.

Yeah, I'm insanely hyper.

So I, uh...

Is that... Yeah.

You're engaged? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

He did it! He did it! He did it!

I did it! I did it! I did it!

Oh, my god, you're so sweaty!

Oh!

I'm gonna get married, mama.

He asked me to marry him.

Oh, my god, I finally did it.

I got a good guy, right? He's a good guy?

Oh, he's a great guy.

And he actually loves me.

Yeah, you're very lovable, charmaine.

I know!

I mean, we were raised to believe

We should eat dog shit, you know?

So you get used to dog shit.

You really believe our parents raised us to eat dog shit?

No. Anyway, I don't know.

I am done with dog shit.

I am reborn.

I'm gonna be somebody's wife.

So, I feel like it's a miracle he proposed

While we were living together --

You know, the whole "milk for free" thing.

And I don't want to take any chances,

So can I please stay here until the wedding?

I'll just hang out in your little crafty room.

Live here?

Yeah.

You know, so I can, uh...

"revirginate" self.

What are you gonna do - crochet yourself a new hymen?

Hey, good news.

Charmaine's revirginizing herself.

Oh, really? Tools are in the garage.

Just put them back when you're done.

Check it out!

Is that real?

Yeah, it's real! I'm gonna be somebody's wife!

Oh, no!

Poor bastard.

Ugh.

Sweaty baby. What time did you get up?

5:00.

5:00?

Thank you for letting me live here!

I will be such a help, I promise.

It takes a village.

Okay, so, I'm gonna take marsh to school.

And then I'm gonna go --

Can I drive?

I don't know. Can he drive?

It's your life.

Oh, I'm cool. I can actually die now.

Okay, I'm gonna drop you off,

And then I'm gonna go to the grocery store.

I want to cook for you guys.

I was gonna cook tonight.

Oh, we can both cook.

Hmm. That's some pretty sassy business wear there, cutie.

Yeah, that's me. I'm a business lady now.

Just be home for dinner, okay?

Yeah, you go, honey!

You milk that blood

Of the victims of the economic collapse.

You know, I like to think of it

Like wringing out a washcloth so that it can dry.

Ah. Well, you wring it!

Are you guys talking about my ring?

Yep.

Yay! I got a ring!

Whoo!

The beginning of the end.

Let's go on a field trip. Let's go over to hubbard's.

Really?

You're not a little curious?

"gay, lesbian, bi, transgender association."

"glbta."

You ought to put a letter in for people like me,

Like "allies" or whatever --

Straight kids who want to support.

I know, courtney --

Why don't you make a group called "frenemas"?

I think the word is "frenemies."

I said "frenema," and I meant "frenema," missy.

Yeah, that's a friend you can call to come over

And help clean you out before a big date.

Ew! Ew!

Um, maybe it's not a good idea

To purposely leave anyone out.

I mean, only eight of us came to this meeting

In a school of about a million.

Plus, there are people who are still questioning --

You know, undecided or independents or whatever.

Um, excuse me?

Independents.

People who don't feel like who you're sleeping with

Needs to be some kind of a headline.

I mean, making it this narrow thing marginalizes us.

Or...People.

Thank you.

Wow.

Honey, we don't have to take our shoes off.

Hubbard's sister got most of the stuff out of here.

Hmm. Looks different.

I thought you said you've never been here.

I haven't.

Wow. Stuck in the '70s.

Does it smell weird, or is it just me?

I love it. Let's buy it.

Come on.

Max, you cannot fix this place up yourself.

It's not just a paint job.

You'd need a real carpenter...

A contractor...

Ghost whisperer.

I can do all that shit.

Honey, we've got enough to do.

I mean, does it occur to you that now that I'm better,

You're just looking for another project?

Oh, hey, this thing's kind of in tune.

You're not even listening to me.

Seriously, sometimes, I just think

I'm this voice that you tune out.

"crazy wife talking!"

Remember this one?

Max!

* I'm all out of love *

* I'm so lost without you *

* I know you were right *

* believing for so long *

* I'm all out love *

* what am I without you? *

* I can't be too late *

* to say that I was so wrong *

Come on, honey, take it.

* I want you to come back and carry me home *

* away from these long, lonely nights *

* I'm reaching for you *

* are you feeling it, too? *

* does the feeling seem oh so right? *

* I'm all out of love *

* what am I without you? *

* I can't be too late *