Friends

Do you think they have yesterday's Daily News?

Why? - I just wanna check my horoscope...

...see if it was right.

Oh, my God. Phoebe. Don't look now, but, behind you there's a guy...

...who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into depression.

Where?

Ooh, come to Mama.

Okay, he's coming. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

- Nice hat. Thanks.

- We should do something. Whistle. - We're not gonna whistle.

- Yeah, come on, do it. - No.

- Do it. Do it. Do it. - Woo-hoo!

I can't believe you did that.

Why did I woo-hoo?

I mean, what was I hoping? He'd turn around and say:

"Ooh, I love that sound. I must have you now"?

I just wish there was something we could do.

Hello. Hello, coma guy.

Get up, you Girl Scout! Up, up, up!

- Phoebe, what are you doing? - Maybe nobody's tried this.

I wish we at least knew his name.

Would you look at that face?

I mean, even sleeping he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

Okay. He's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.

And he can dance.

And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's listening...

...you know, and not saying, "Yeah, I understand"...

...but wondering what you look like naked. - Oh, stop it.

I wish all guys could be like him.

I know.

Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

- He doesn't have anyone. - Yeah. We feel kind of responsible.

I can't believe you said, "Woo-hoo."

I don't even say, "Woo-hoo."

Oh, she's coming up. She's coming up.

Folks, when we come back...

...we'll talk about her new book Euphoria Unbound...

...with always-interesting Nora Tyler Bing. Put the kids to bed for this one.

Don't watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime and HBO and Cinemex.

- No way. - Come on. She's your mom.

Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's.

Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times.

- No? - Chandler, I gotta tell you...

...I love your mom's books. I love her books.

I cannot get on a plane without one. I mean, this is so cool.

You wouldn't think it's cool if you were 11...

...and all your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

Come on, Chandler. I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

- You can say that. She's not your mom. Oh, please. She's the...

Hi, sweetie.

When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?

- Last night. - Really?

So then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?

Just a dream I had.

But, phew.

Hey, hey, hey. She's on.

Ah. Nora Bing.

Before we get to the book.

What is this about you being arrested in London? What is that about?

- Your mom was arrested? - Shh, I'm busy beaming with pride.

This is kind of embarrassing...

...but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

- Why would she say that's embarrassing? - Shh.

- I just get this craving for Kung Pao chicken.

That's too much information.

So now you're doing this book tour thing. How's that going?

Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate.

But I get to see my son, who I love.

Oh.

This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

You know, don't take this wrong, I just don't see you as a mom somehow.

- I don't mean that bad. - Oh, no. I'm a fabulous mom.

I bought my son his first condoms.

And then he burst into flames.

Let's see. "Congress is debating a new deficit-reduction bill.

The mayor wants to raise subway fares again.

The high today was 45."

And, oh. And teams played sports.

What about Glen? No.

- He could be a Glen. - Mm-mm. Not special enough.

Ooh, how about Agamemnon?

Way too special.

I'm famished. What do I want?

Please, God, don't let it be Kung Pao chicken.

Oh, you watched the show. What did you think?

Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just...

What is this dive?

- Only you could've picked this place. - Oh.

Come on. Shut up. It's fun.

- Hi. Give me a hug.

- Well, I think we're ready for some tequila. - I know I am.

- Who's doing shots? - Hit me.

- I'm in. - There you go. Ross?

Uh, I'm not really a shot-drinking kind of guy.

Hi. Sorry. Sorry we're late.

We, uh, kind of just, you know, lost track of time.

But a man can change.

Anyone want me to appraise anything?

Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written.

No, I mean it. When I read Euphoria at Midnight...

...all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Oh, please, honey. If I can do it, anybody can.

You just start with half a dozen European cities...

...throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia...

...and, bam, you have got yourself a book.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, any messages for room 226?

- You okay, slugger? - Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.

What is with you tonight?

Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Okay, thank you.

It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it?

No. It's the one he's licking.

She's supposed to be with you.

You're good.

Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold 100 million copies of my books...

...and you know why?

The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

No, because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.

Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo.

People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo.

Come on. The guy's a secondary character.

He's just a... You know, a complication you eventually kill off.

When?

He's not a hero.

You know who our hero is?

The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

No, it's you.

- Please. - No, really.

Come on. You're smart. You're sexy.

- Right. - Oh, come on, kiddo.

You're gonna be fine, believe me.

Uh-oh.

Uh, I'll just pee in the street.

Is Chandler here?

- Yeah. - Wait. Come here.

Okay, uh, about last night...

...um, you know...

...Chandler. You didn't tell...

Okay, I'm thinking we don't need to tell Chandler.

It was just a kiss. One kiss. No big deal, right?

- Right. No big deal. - Okay.

In Bizarro-world.

You broke the code.

- What code? - You don't kiss your friend's mom.

Sisters are okay. Maybe a hot-looking aunt.

But not a mom. Never a mom.

What are you guys doing out here?

Uh, well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game.

But, um, apparently somebody overslept.

Yeah, well, you don't have your racquet.

No. No, I don't, because it's being restrung.

Ahem. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Yeah. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Okay, you guys are spending way too much time together.

Okay, I'm scum. I'm scum.

- Ross, how could you let this happen? - I don't know.

Well, it's not like she's a regular mom. You know? She's sexy. She's...

You don't think my mom's sexy?

Well, not in the same way.

I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani...

...was a handsome woman in her day, all right?

You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Huh?

Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here.

- Aah. - Hey.

- Hey. - What are you guys doing out here?

Well, ha, ha, not playing racquetball.

- He forgot to leave his grip size. - He didn't get the goggles.

Oh. Right.

Well, sounds like you two have issues.

Goodbye, baby.

Do they wait for me to do this?

- So are you gonna tell him? - I'm not gonna tell him.

- Why would I tell him? - How about, because if you don't...

...his mother might? - Hmm.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, he's not even wearing a jock strap.

What did I ask?

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I just thought I'd stop by, you know, after the, ahem...

That I, you know. Um, so, what are you doing here?

I'm not really here.

I just thought I'd drop these off on the way. My way.