Sweetpea

Shit! Fuck.

Ugh.

All yours, I guess.

People I'd love to kill...

Julia Blenkingsopp from school.

Can you believe Rhiannon died?

Look at her ugly little ghost.

Ugh, so weird.

For subjecting me to a relentless campaign

Of psychological abuse

Between the ages of 12 and 16.

Julia Blenkingsopp,

For making me spend approximately 32 percent

Of my school career hiding in a toilet.

There's a dead person in here! I thought something smelled.

I was just...

Julia Blenkingsopp,

For making me actually want to be dead.

Julia Blenkingsopp, for having a cool job with good morale...

And scope for career progression.

Ugh.

For having friends to do stuff with

Instead of sitting at home in her dead dad's robe.

For having a really nice house,

That probably has bi-folding doors

And a kitchen island!

For having a partner who's basically a Ken doll.

And for not peaking at school, like bullies are supposed to do!

Julia fucking Blenkingsopp for her perfect little life!

But all good things must come to an end.

- You doing a bit of DIY? - Yep.

Something like that.

I can give you a hand if you want.

No. I'm fine.

Yeah, no, I mean... obviously, you're capable.

Look, I know I've been a knob.

Which time?

Well, like at the pub.

And before. With the emojis.

It's just, sometimes I...

Y'know, I can't find the right words, so I just...

Emoji's just like this perfect little language.

So, uh...

I'm...

sorry.

I haven't, uh, read the agreement yet.

- I will. - Okay.

Hey, listen, we should still go for that coffee.

Yeah. We... That... that would be great.

Like, just to tell you my plans for the business.

'Cause like, I really wanna honor him, y'know.

So like, every kitchen we fit, everything we do, like.

It's got a bit of Tommy in it, y'know.

Yeah, all right.

What about that new place on the High Street?

One does all the posh coffee's and that.

- Next to the Chinese? - Yeah.

Yeah. Or we could just... go there instead?

You know...

Banquet for two.

To honor him, of course.

He really loved those prawn balls.

All right. When?

I dunno.

- I'll text you. - Okay.

No. I know...

No, it's not okay.

Listen, Von, tell him if he craps on the floor again,

He can clean it up himself.

Yeah, and we can say with our hands on our hearts,

You can do better.

Hiya!

Yeah, but he's harmless, in't he?

It's like what my dad used to say.

Good heart, bad farts.

- Can I get a bag, please? - Yeah, I know.

Just a bag.

Mm...

Mm-mm.

Okay.

Hang on, Von, one second.

What?

What?

Oh, me? Sorry.

I thought you were talking to Von. I just need a bag.

What, do you know Von?

No. Uh, just heard you talking.

Okay, weirdo.

Bag's 15p.

Anyway... Von, he showed up. Yeah, and it's him.

Actually, I'm wondering if you can help me

With one more thing.

- What an absolute joke. - I'm wondering if you can

Help me find your extra-large durable gloves?

I'm just planning to murder my school bully

And... hoping you could help me?

£29.59.

- Okay. - No, not you.

Just some bloody customer.

Mm... That is what I keep saying to him.

I was like, "Yeah, what you doing?"

No, shut up!

Bye then!

Von?

You there, babe?

Oh!

No.

No.

Hello, Badgertons, how may I help?

Hi, uh... is Julia Blenkingsopp in?

It's Rhiannon Lewis.

Yes, she's just walking in.

One moment please.

Hello, Julia speaking?

- Hi, uh, it's... uh, Rhiannon. - Oh, hi.

Um...

So, uh, sorry to call first thing.

Uh, I know Seren's really keen to get the photos.

I did a big clear-out here, so, um...

It would be good for you to see.

Are you free this evening, maybe?

After work?

No.

Oh, well, it's, it's really...

I can do tomorrow evening.

Great! Tomorrow's perfect.

- Okay. - Okay! Uh...

Can't wait.

Yeah, you sweat in your sleep though.

Yeah, but it's worth it if I get

- That extra few minutes, y'know. - Morning!

- Hiya. - You're a bit late, Sweetpea.

Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. I got you a posh coffee.

Oh!

Oat milk, right, Jeff?

Uh, yeah.

There's, um...

Pastries in the kitchen if anybody wants...

Wants one.

Are they gluten-free? 'Cause I can die if I eat flour.

Not instantly, but it'll take like ten years off my life.

Uh... no, sorry.

It's fine, I'll just sniff Claudia's.

Okay.

Am I not important enough for a posh coffee?

I'm getting sick of her bullshit, actually.

Sniff your own croissant.

Uh, can I get a word, Jeff?

- I'm kind of up against it. - A word!

Please, Jeff?

Okay. Yep.

- Great front-page splash today! - Thank you.

Just wondering where, uh...

My name was?

Lovely.

Page 38.

Office contacts.

Here it is, Administrative Assistant,

Rhiannon Lewis,

01632 960 800.

Yeah, I just thought it'd be on the front page,

Next to my story.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you write it?

No, but I...

That'll be why it's not then.

It's not fair, Jeff. It's my story, I gave you it.

My name should be on it.

If you want your name on something,

I'll lend you my label maker.

You can put your name on a stapler.

Hello.

Hi.

- Thanks for the pastries. - Yeah.

Did you poison them?

- No. - It might be the perfect crime.

Not really. I mean, Lana's gluten intolerant, so...

She'd be my downfall.

Thought you were an investigative reporter?

Yeah, well, you're kind of...

Putting me to shame on that front right now, so...

Go on, prove it.

What?

A bite.

Did I leave my coffee?

You've got jam on your face.

Could've told me.

Where is she?

- Liar! - No, wait, hang on.

You said you'd be nice about him and you weren't!

- And where's the other one? - Hello.

How could you?

You sit on my couch, eat my biscuits,

And then you write this sick story!

Well, I think...

I think you'll find that's my story.

- You wrote it? - Yes.

I wrote it.

So, if there's an issue, it's with me,

And not the administrative staff.

They're egging our house,