Chaplin

Come on, Charlie. Stop messing about. We really have to get down to it now.

I just hope our friendship survives the day, that's all.

Oh, George, don't be so melodramatic.

Well, it's your autobiography, Charlie.

And as your editor, I have to tell you that parts of the manuscript

are pretty vague, to say the least. I mean, for instance, your mother.

Now, when did she first lose control?

We need to know those facts.

It's hard to say.

She could be so wonderful on her good days.

Can't hear you, love!

-Come on, get on with it! -Get off!

Silly woman! Get off, you silly cow!

Come on, Mum!

We want our money back!

-Come on! -What's the matter with you?

Get off!

Off! Off! Quick, lady, off!

Listen, listen. Come on. Cut it out!

Off!

You're out of it. Finished.

Ladies and gentlemen... Ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, retaining your special attention...

Come on! Play the game! Play fair, lads.

Play the game! Come on, lads!

-Stop! Please, sir! -Get off the stage!

Get off the bloody stage!

-Isn't he cute? -We got another lovely act for you...

-What? -Mister, I know it. I can do the song.

Says he knows it, let him do it! -Let him have a go!

Give the boy a chance, then!

What's your name, son?

-Charles. -Charles, Charles what?

-Charles Chaplin. -Charles Chaplin.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, at very short notice and at great expense,

for your special pleasure, we're delighted to present Master Charles Chaplin.

Half a mo!

Ready?

Your mother never sang again? No. Never.

I'm warning you, Mrs. Chaplin, if I don't get me rent, I'll report you!

Them two little mites ain't fed proper!

If I don't get me rent today, I'll report you!

You're two months behind!

The rent? Rent?

What on Earth is that?

Oh, shut up, you ghastly woman!

Go on, Mum.

Sorry it's only fish heads again, darlings.

I'll get you a plum cake one day.

When my ship comes in.

Mum? Someone's coming!

Mrs. Chaplin?

These are your children, I take it?

Not the workhouse.

For their own good.

Stop! Come back here!

Stop him!

Stop, you little...

Come here! We've got...

Come here, you little...

We've got him!

Syd!

Syd!

Syd!

Now, then. Up you go.

Syd!

Get off! Put me down! Let me go! Let go of me.

You were beaten?

With a cane as thick as a man's thumb.

And Syd?

Sent to a training ship. Then to sea.

You don't tell us how long you spent in the workhouse, or how you got out.

I don't? That's a mistake. I was there for a year.

Um, my mother started taking in piecework.

Sewing gloves.

So, while you were growing up, it was just the two of you.

-Your father? What about my father?

Well, he died during that period, didn't he? When you were 12.

-You don't write very much about him. I don't know very much about him.

He left just after I was born, he sang on the stage, he died of drink.

What else should I say?

Well, this is your book we're talking about, Charlie.

It's your life. It's up to you.

Hold your horse, gov. Hold your horse, gov.

What's up, Rummy? All the booze gone down to your feet?

-Don't you give me that lip, Charlie. Come on.

All right, clear off out of here! Go on, go on. Now!

Didn't mean no harm.

Watch you, Lil.

-Charlie? -Yeah.

Hello, love.

Hi, Charlie. Know what? Your mum's gone mad again!

Get off!

Mum?

Thank God you got here, Charlie!

I got you that plum cake, just like I said.

Thanks, Mum.

Make your mark, son, if you can't sign.

The parish doctor said to bring her here.

Well, she'll be better off.

-What about you, son? -I'll be fine.

-What do you mean, "fine"? -I'll stay with me aunty.

You watch your feet, mister! Shoes cost money!

Sometimes she thinks the floor is the River Jordan.

-We won't get wet, Mum. -Yes, we'll do our best.

Why don't you say goodbye to her now, sonny?

-Charlie! -Wasn't thinking, Mum.

-Mum, I love you so much. -I know, I know.

If only you'd given me a cup of tea, I'd have been all right.

They'll take better care of you than I can, Mum.

One cup of tea! You must have wanted to get rid of me bad.

I didn't, Mum. I really didn't.

-Come along, dear. -You're a lying little runt.

You're gonna end up just like your father.

Charlie? Don't do this to me.

I love you, Charlie. Don't let them take me away from you!

No, you can't let them do this to me!

Don't let them do this to me, Charlie!

Don't let them take me away from you! Charlie!

Why are you doing this?

Was you scared, Syd? First time you met this Karno geezer?

Every bugger's scared. And it's Mr. Karno to the likes of you, remember.

If you wanna be in vaudeville,

you don't work for him, you don't work for nobody. Got it?

Yes.

Now, look, if you get this job, and with what I'm bringing in,

we can move Mum somewhere better.

-Don't let me down. -I'll be great, Syd.

You don't have to be great. Just shut up and be funny.

-Morning, Mr. Karno. -Hello, Sydney. Come on over.

-All right. -We've got summat to eat.

Ta.

Now, then, what about this young brother of yours?

Well, you know, he's been legit up to now, Mr. Karno.

But he sings and he dances a treat.

Sydney, Sydney.

I've got song and dance men like you coming out of me ears.

I need comics.

Yeah, well, his slapstick is fantastic.

You know, he's got the knack. Watch him.

He can do more, you know. More stuff.

I hope so.

Bloody hell!

-You all right, kid? -Yes.

Need the job that bad, eh?

Yes, sir.

You know what comedy is?

Knowing who you are and where you come from.

-And it's got to be perfection. -Yes, sir.

-Can I come out now? -You may.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great evening so far, hasn't it?

Well, I promise you, you are going to love the next act.

Everybody loves elephants.

And, right here on our stage,

you will see 20 of the largest, most graceful specimens.

These are straight from the jungle.

Do you mind, sir?

I'm trying to introduce our dancing elephants.

Do please take your seat, sir.

Sit down, sir!

Take your feet down, sir!

Show a little respect!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a very big round of applause

for our next act!

Captain Boytom and his pulchritudinous pachyderms!

Oh, no, really, sir! This is too much.

Kindly remember, sir, this is a place of entertainment,

not a four-ale bar or a rest home for inebriates!

Now, sit down and behave yourself.