30 Rock

- what? - My kindergarten teacher

was a former black panther.

Oh.

Hey, I'm gonna fix that loose baseboard upstairs.

Wow, look at you,

all sweaty with your tool belt

and your '90s haircut.

You look like you're in a gay porno.

Oh, yeah? You're one to talk, buddy.

I'm Brent.

I'm the new guy on the crew.

I'm Rod. I'm the boss.

And what I say goes.

I've never been with a man before.

Looks like I'm the boss now... Rod.

- Oh! What are we doing? - I don't know.

Whatever! Let's wrestle! It doesn't matter.

Liz, what is "adoption stuff"?

- Are you adopting a kid? - No. Don't worry.

That's from a long time ago. It's not happening.

You have a baby name book, and you circled Adolf?

Actually, I borrowed that book from my mother,

so be glad I'm not a boy.

Okay, well, why'd you give up on it?

I have to work late tonight.

What am I gonna do with Joshua?

I thought I could do this by myself.

You know what?

Murphy brown lied to us.

She had Eldin.

Can you hold that, please?

You closed the door on her?

The point, Criss,

is I didn't want to be that woman.

I didn't want to do it alone.

But let's face it.

Murphy Brown had the whole fyi gang

in her corner...

Jim Dial, Frank Fontana, Corky,

even Miles, in his own way.

Yeah, but you're not alone now,

and if a kid is something that you still want,

and you're in your 40s,

then... We should...

we should have a... we should have

a serious conversation right now.

Oh, my God, relax.

This is my life, and I love it.

I've got my job, and I've got you,

and I keep getting my neighbor allure magazine.

If there's anything that needs fixing in my life,

it's a certain loose baseboard.

Okay, well, I'm gonna fix it.

And do not send Brent up there.

I won't.

Dude, I'm back

from the hardware store.

this country's taken some hits lately.

But when we get hit and are down,

we don't stay down.

We get up, and we hit back

with our fists or our nunchakus.

And then, when we're done hitting and we're tired,

'cause nunchaku-ing can wear a guy out,

we sit down on a couch,

an American couch...

A Kouchtown couch.

Damn.

Lemon, do you know you are sitting

on 5,000 new jobs?

And not jobs that came from some government bailout.

They came from a rich white guy.

We have been creating and solving this country's pRoblems

for 200 years.

Where's our history month?

It is a nice couch.

Good lumbar support.

Absorbent fabric for nap drool.

That's just the prototype.

As we speak, our fellow countrymen

are rolling the new Kabletown couches

off the assembly line,

earning an honest day's pay

so they can go to the store and buy milk for their families,

which costs...

I don't know, $90 a gallon?

I'm meeting with the vendors tomorrow,

Raymour and his conjoined twin, Flanigan.

Ashley of Ashley furniture will be there,

and he is a genitally androgynous pinhead.

Hmm.

It's a colorful industry

with a lot of fun characters.

Well, good luck fixing America.

I hope success isn't far, far away.

What about star wars do you want to say, lemon?

Let's just get to it.

I did some spring cleaning this morning,

and I found this baby princess Leia costume

that I bought years ago,

and I thought it might fit Liddy.

Oh, thank you, lemon.

It might be a bit small by Halloween.

Halloween? A girl can wear this anywhere.

School, church, alone on the playground,

a child therapist's office.

Also, I thought you might want

this Nixon biography that my dad gave me for my birthday.

It had just come out,

so as a joke, my dad signed it as Nixon.

Yes, a joke.

Nixon's been dead almost 20 years,

not in cryogenic hibernation,

resting up for 2016.

I'm getting rid of all my junk

so Criss can redo the upstairs.

Wow, you two are really nesting.

Yeah, all that's missing

is the joint answering machine message.

I'm thinking Sonny and...

Cher.

Lemon, I know how this will be received,

but before it's too late,

let me set you up with someone.

Oh, my God. Come on, Jack.

My colleague is newly single. His name is Kevin.

I'm gonna stop you at Kevin.

Has anyone ever known a good person named Kevin?

Kevin garnett helped me move once.

I'm good, thanks.

Kevin costner cooked me dinner after a bad breakup.

Kevin Sorbo intRoduced me to his podiatrist.

This is an outrage.

I didn't get to work an hour late

just to be the first one here.

I'm sorry, tray. I don't know where Jenna is.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was busy burning down the panda express

that I had fallen in love with.

Oh, my God, Jenna. Are you okay?

I'm fine, Liz.

I'm just having a celebrity breakdown.

It's the new sex tape.

Something I wish I'd known before I released my sex tape

with the six flags guy.

- So this is just for attention? - Exactly.

Anyone who's anyone has had a breakdown.

"Da-mi", "de-mi", Heather, Lindsay,

Britney, Muammar...

so sad. A life cut short.

He gave the best diamonds. Okay, good.

I thought maybe you were really losing it,

because, you know, Paul's with someone else and...

oh, no. This is for Paul.

You see, when you have a breakdown,

all your old lovers come out of the woodwork.

Justin and K-fed, Bruce and Ashton,

Samantha Ronson and Herbie the Lovebug.

This is how I get Paul back.

Wow, that is idiotic.

But as long as it doesn't affect work...

what's that, celestia? All right.

I'll do it.

Mr. Donaghy, hi.

I'm Stewart der.

I'm the chief engineer here at Kouchtown.

Do you know the history of this building, Stewart?

During world war ii, the Bazooka Joe corporation

used a softer version of their gum

to make armor-piercing bullets... Here.

Years later, the government took it over.

They turned it into a training facility

for single mothers to teach illegal immigrants

how to fill out unemployment forms.

But then we took it back.

Ah, good morning, fellow patriots.

Keep voting republican.

We've got your back.

Now let me have a look

at this marvel of American industry.

Good God!

This doesn't look like the prototype.

Looks more like the prototype

than most things in this world.

How could this happen?

The one in my office was perfect.

Oh, we didn't make the prototype.

We bought it at west elm.

Besides you, whom do I fire for this?

I don't know. You?

I mean, you're the one who insisted on hiring

American engineers.

All they teach us now is how to build rollercoasters

and survivor challenges.

This is what we've been making for the past month?

We have 10,000 of these?

I wouldn't know. I'm not a math guy, really.

This is only a setback.

I just have to create a market for terrible couches.

Besides, what did Theodore "Bazooka" Joe do