Buddy Solitaire

Your last act of the evening,

put your hands together for buddy solitaire.

All right, guys, one more time for all your comics tonight, huh?

Enthusiastic crowd.

I love it. Excited to be here.

It's midnight on a Tuesday,

so all of us are big winners, huh?

So I'm from Kansas,

where we have a special name for a 12-year-old girl

who's faster than her brothers--

a virgin.

Okay. okay.

Not much of a thinking crowd tonight, that's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you expecting an important call?

Why don't you just get off the stage?

Why don't you get back to your phone call?

Fuck you.

Great.

Right here, in front of all these people?

You want me to just fuck you on this stage?

That'll be fun for nobody to watch.

That's my time.

Hey dude, listen to this joke i got yesterday, okay?

Really? -now come on, just one joke.

-One. -all right, here we go.

So, in history class they asked us,

"what's India's contribution to the modern world?"

I said, "tech support."

-Okay, so, you're in history class,

you're a 25-year-old. Why are you still in history class?

Dude, it's the joke, okay? It's a 40-word joke.

I get it.

The punch line's gotta come faster.

-It's two sentences! -Get there faster.

Okay, brown man listen. Brown man grab his iPad.

Hey, do you actually do tech support?

'Cause I have a virus on my computer.

Too much porn, and brown man says "fuck you."

-Oh, nice. -Mm-hmm.

I do like how you use that Indian thing, though.

Keep doing that. Make it your own.

My guru has spoken.

We're doing yoga today.

You know I don't understand Chinese.

Come on.

You're not helping either one of us.

Miss liao--

man, get off the stage.

Thank you, I will, when I'm done.

You suck. -I appreciate that.

Just tell some jokes!

Great, yes, more please, please.

Get off stage! -I will, I got three minutes,

so I guess we're gonna wait, and I'll just do this.

This how we're gonna spend your time, guys?

What are you doing?

Celebrating after another great show.

Don't you think you've had enough?

No.

I'm fine.

Okay.

Phew.

-Good morning. -Hi.

Hey, thanks for stopping me before I ruined

the ol' moneymaker.

Sure.

Maybe you should spend a little less time with Hanna.

What does that have to do with anything?

It's just her whole energy.

Maybe it's rubbing off on you.

We're talking energy now.

Do you want me to grab your tarot cards?

We don't have to talk about it if you don't want.

Sorry.

Just, I'm not sure I can take another bad show.

And I know my face can't.

What do you mean? You love comedy.

Right, it's in my blood.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, irwin Schwartz is up there.

I'm gonna do a set with him. We go way back.

Uh-huh.

I didn't hear anything about this.

So why don't you go pay Julie at the door for your ticket, yeah?

Do you know who I am?

I do, Hanna, but it's not 1983 anymore,

so just go pay for your ticket.

You do not talk to me like that.

Who the fuck do you think you are, you little prick?

Okay, name calling.

-Why don't you just go-- -do not touch me.

Okay, calm down.

-I am a legend. -Okay, okay.

-I am a fucking legend! -We have a legend who's crazy.

Come on, exit stage right, legend.

Here we go. Thank you for coming.

Here we go. There's the door.

Here we go. Ow, that's nice.

Let's go, let's go. Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye. whoo!

Shit.

Hey, honey.

Hey, I'm glad you called.

I wanted to apologize for this morning.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I left my anxiety pills at your place.

Oh, you don't need that stuff.

I'm not gonna take them forever, you know.

I know! I know.

I see 'em. I'll be right over, all right?

Thank you.

Where the hell are you?

I'm coming.

-Hey, ma. -Hi.

I hear your letterman set.

[Faint TV audio playing]

-You had no fear. -Ha!

You would be killing it if you went up today.

They don't fucking deserve me.

Slow down with these, all right? They give you cancer.

I'll eat cancer.

Hey, I got this joke I've been working on.

It's this pun thing that is going to kill--

I was done with puns when Reagan was president.

-Hey, give it back. -No.

Aw, did I hurt little buddy's feelings?

Hanna darling will always love you.

Look, mom, I just could use some help with my set.

Well, I really think you should give it up.

Thank you. Maybe I will.

Then you'll have more time to spend with your mother.

-I have to go pick up Vanessa.

-Vanessa's a cunt! -Oh, god damn it, mom.

Why do you have to talk like that?

You want me to kill myself?

-No. -i will shoot my fucking brains out

and you can just run away with your little Mexican bitch

and live happily ever after.

I just have to go.

Fucking asshole.

I had my knives and spoons just like I wanted it yesterday.

Somebody moved them.

We'll get them right back to where they were, okay?

You need to do it right now.

-Yeah, do it right now. -Zoe. That's not nice.

Why are you yelling at me and not at miss liao?

No, I need it the right way for my chicken salad.

-Oh, it's okay, it's okay. -No, I need to go to the kitchen.

'Cause I need another one of these.

Oliver, I need you to sit down.

No, but see, how I have it is it goes

chicken salad, chicken salad, chicken salad--

wow, you must be really hungry.

You didn't bring me my chicken salad either?

No, I'm sorry, another waiter has your section.

I was at my mom's.

Hey, I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah.

Can't be any worse than my irvine audience.

Hey you, you new to maple hills?

Uh, no, no. I could be.

I'm an insomniac, hypochondriac,

-huge megalomaniac. Seriously.

Oh. I'm Vanessa's boyfriend, buddy.

-Are you a social worker? -No.

No, but thank you for thinking I could be.

I'm a comedian, guys.

I'll be here all week. Try the shrimp.

We have shrimp here?

I have no idea what the menu is.

You know it's not nice to make fun of us.

Yeah, look, I'm not making fun of you guys.

I get what it's like being here, though.

Social workers, shrinks. Everybody thinks you're crazy, right?

It's like being at home with your mom,

except she probably doesn't make you kiss her.

Kidding.

You got a very mad cat at home?

I'm sorry, does one of you translate for her?

All I got was "is some"

okay, too much! All right, too far, too far.

I want my chicken salad!

Man, that is your fourth chicken salad.

Do you really eat that much?

Hey, I'm back.

So am I.

What was that?

Don't worry about it, man, he's just some jerk.

Chicken salad...

Vanessa's class is going to be my new spark.

Writing about these weirdos is going to get me into the jubilee.

What about that joke i gave you,

the one about my cousin patel?

-That was some bad shit. -Yeah, that was some bad shit.

-Hey. -look, if I win the jubilee,

that's gonna turn everything around.

And Stephan Martin is running it this year.

That freak would love a show about crazy people.

I mean, I don't know, man. Are you sure about this?