The Big Lebowski

Way out West there was this fella.

Fella I wanna tell you about.

Fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski.

Least that was the handle that his loving parents gave him.

But he never had much use for it himself.

This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude.

Now Dude,

that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from.

But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me,

and a lot about where he lived likewise.

But then again,

maybe that's why I found the place so darned interesting.

They call Los Angeles the City of Angels.

I didn't find it to be that, exactly.

But I'll allow there are some nice folks there.

Course, I can't say I seen London,

and I never been to France,

and I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, as the fella says.

But I'll tell you what,

after seeing Los Angeles and this here story I'm about to unfold,

well, I guess I've seen something

every bit as stupefying as you can see in any of those other places,

and in English, too.

So I can die with a smile on my face

without feeling like the good Lord gypped me.

Now, this here story I'm about to unfold

took place back in the early '90s,

just about the time of our conflict with Saddam and the Iraqis.

I only mention it 'cause sometimes there's a man...

I won't say a hero.

'Cause what's a hero?

But sometimes there's a man...

And I'm talking about the Dude here.

Sometimes there's a man...

Well, he's the man for his time and place.

He fits right in there.

And that's the Dude in Los Angeles.

And even if he is a lazy man,

and the Dude was most certainly that,

quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles county,

which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide.

But sometimes there's a man...

Sometimes there's a man...

Well, I lost my train of thought here.

But...

Hell, I done introduced him enough.

...with them all for a collective action.

This will not stand.

This will not stand, this aggression against Kuwait.

Where's the money, Lebowski?

I want that money, Lebowski.

Bunny says you're good for it.

Where's the money, Lebowski?

Where's the money, Lebowski?

Where's the fucking money, shithead?

It's down there somewhere. Let me take another look.

Don't fuck with us.

Your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn,

that means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn.

Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski.

No, don't do...

- Not on the rug, man. - See?

See what happens, Lebowski? You see what happens?

Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy.

I'm the Dude, man.

Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski.

Your wife is Bunny.

My wife? Bunny?

Do you see a wedding ring on my finger?

Does this place look like I'm fucking married?

The toilet seat's up, man!

What the fuck is this?

Obviously you're not a golfer.

Woo? Yeah.

Isn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire?

Fuck.

Yeah. What do you think?

He looks like a fucking loser.

Hey, at least I'm housebroken.

Fucking time-waster.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

I'm throwing rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

I'm telling you, this was a valued rug. This was a...

Yeah, man. It really tied the room together.

This was a valued...

What tied the room together, Dude? My rug.

Were you listening to the Dude's story, Donny?

What? Walter.

Were you listening to the Dude's story? I was bowling.

So you have no frame of reference here, Donny.

You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...

Walter, what's the point, man? There's no reason, here's my point, Dude.

There's no fucking reason why these two...

Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

Walter, what is the...

Look, we all know who is at fault here.

What the fuck are you talking about? Huh?

No, what the fuck are you... I'm not...

We're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude.

What the fuck is he talking about? My rug.

Forget it, Donny! You're out of your element!

Walter, the Chinaman who peed on my rug,

I can't go give him a bill!

So what the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about?

The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude!

I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude.

Across this line you do not...

Also, Dude, "Chinaman" is not the preferred nomenclature.

Asian-American, please.

Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy...

What the fuck are you...

Walter, he peed on my rug! He peed on the Dude's rug.

Donny, you're out of your element.

Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here.

So, who... Jeff Lebowski.

The other Jeffrey Lebowski. The millionaire.

That's fucking interesting, man. That's fucking interesting.

Plus, he has the wealth, obviously, and the resources,

so that there's no reason, there's no fucking reason

why his wife should go out and owe money all over town,

and then they come and they pee on your fucking rug!

Am I wrong? No.

Am I wrong? Yeah, but...

Okay then.

That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

Fucking A. And this guy peed on it.

Donny, please.

You know, this is the fucking guy...

I could find this fucking Lebowski guy.

His name is Lebowski? That's your name, Dude.

This is the guy who should compensate me for the fucking rug.

His wife goes out and owes money all over town, and they pee on my rug?

They pee on your fucking rug?

Peed on my fucking rug. That's right, Dude.

They peed on your fucking rug.

This is the study.

As you can see, the various commendations, awards...

- "Jeffrey Lebowski." - ...citations, honorary degrees, et cetera.

Very impressive. Oh, please feel free to inspect them.

Oh. No, I'm not really... Oh, please. Please.

That is the key to the city of Pasadena,

which Mr. Lebowski received two years ago in recognition of his various civic...

That's the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever Award,

which is given... Oh, not necessarily given every year.

Hey, is this...

Given only when there's a worthy somebody...

Is this him with Nancy?

Yes, indeed, that is Mr. Lebowski with the first lady, yes.

It was taken when Mrs. Reagan...

That's Lebowski on the left there?

- Of course. Mr. Lebowski, on the left. - ...So he's a...

You know, a handicapped kind of guy?

Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes.

This picture was taken when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation.

Yes, yes.

Not of California. Good shot.

In fact, he met privately with the President,

though, unfortunately, there wasn't enough time for a photo opportunity.

Oh, Nancy's pretty good. Oh, wonderful woman.

We were very happy to... These are...

Oh, those are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak.

Different mothers, huh?

No, they're not... Racially, he's pretty cool?

They're not literally his children.

They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers,

inner city children of promise, but without the necessary means for...

Necessary means for a higher education,

so Mr. Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to college.

Excuse me. Oh, geez.

Thank you. Thank you.

Far out. Think he's got room for one more? One... Oh.

You never went to college.

Please, don't touch that. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I did,

but, you know, I spent most of my time

occupying various administration buildings,

smoking a lot of Thai stick,

breaking into the ROTC and bowling.

Tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it.

Okay, sir. You're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski.

That's terrific.

But I am very busy, as I imagine you are.

What can I do for you, sir?

Well, sir, it's this rug I have.

It really tied the room together.

You told Brandt on the phone. He told me.

Where do I fit in?

Well, they were looking for you, these two guys.

You know, they... I'll say it again.

You told Brandt on the phone. He told me.

I know what happened. Yes, yes.

Oh, so you know that they were trying to piss on your rug.

Did I urinate on your rug?

You mean, did you personally come and pee on my rug?

Hello! Do you speak English, sir?

¿Parla usted inglés?

I'll ask you again. Did I urinate on your rug?

No. Like I said, Woo peed on my rug.

I just want to understand this, sir.

Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city,