Undateable

The past few days have been amazing.

I know. This is the most fun I ever had,

and I went to space camp.

You guys, uh, I'm still here.

Uh, oh, by the way,

you're doing it wrong.

When a man and a woman have sex,

uh, the man's never supposed to say, "don't drop me."

Things got a little crazy last night, all right?

I hope we didn't keep you up.

Baby bird, it wasn't the pasty-white sex

that was keeping me up.

You know what it was?

The two of you singing Destiny's Child songs.

Oh, Danny. Mm.

- Those two things happened simultaneously. - Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm sure that was the only thing

that you two did simultaneously.

Ohh.

Aw, it sucks that I have to go to my parents' this weekend.

I am going to miss that flat little butt.

Ahh.

I feel sorry for that poor girl.

I have no idea how she's gonna last a whole weekend

without her medicine.

Oh, oh, oh. You've been drugging her.

That's what... that's how...

If you're gonna get uncomfortable

every time that me and Nicki do some foreplay...

and, yes, I will have her again this morning...

Then I'm gonna make you more uncomfortable.

You know what? I don't think that's possible

unless you two waited till I fell asleep

and you had sex on top of me.

Hmm. So, you don't think I could make you more uncomfortable?

- Mnh-mnh. - Okay.

You mean even if I re-created what happened last night?

Don't joke around like that.

And then I get on top.

Then I put my hands over my head.

And then I was done.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

All right, now. That was me singing.

What do you think about that?

It was horrifying.

Hey, Shelly, uh, did you ever talk to that guy about...

Whoa! Rewind.

Hey, uh, and you might be...

You must be Danny.

Your sister said you talk

like you're in a Matthew McConaughey movie.

All right, all right.

Sabrina and I went to college together,

and then she moved to Paris.

Huh.

Sabrina's also got a great rack, but if you tell her that,

she makes you sit way over here.

I am at the University of Michigan

getting my PhD in French literature.

Then she's gonna use that degree to get a job nowhere.

Sabrina, if you like French stuff,

then did you know they call it a French tickler...

- Back in the corner. - Yeah.

I, too, have a deep love for French literature.

I actually did my senior thesis on Victor Hugo.

Wow, this is already a really, really, really boring story.

Uh, I can't save myself, but if you'd like,

I could rip your heart out and show it to you

so you can end up dying quickly.

My professor was actually, um, French Canadian,

and it was, uh... - Do it.

Leslie, you can let your friend know

that my girlfriend is way hotter than her.

Well, it was great to meet you,

and I will see you later, Les.

Sister, may I have her?

You always do this!

You always hook up with my friends.

Someone better call Steve Harvey.

We got ourselves a "family feud."

Look, if you want me to stop having sex with your friends,

then I don't know... Just, like... don't have any friends.

They think you're so great at first,

and then they get Danny'd.

Is getting Danny'd when a hot stud bangs you?

'Cause if it is... - Corner!

Damn it!

Getting Danny'd is when he sleeps with them once

and blows them off, and then I'm left cleaning up the mess.

I don't think you're gonna have to worry about Danny and Sabrina.

Sabrina is a smart and sophisticated, classy woman.

Whoa, oh, no, no. Wait.

Are you suggesting that she's out of my league?

Because that is not possible unless...

Wait a minute. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on one second.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh, God.

Oh, God, this is... I was... I've been worrying about this.

No, I'm still me. Thank God.

Yeah, that's, uh... so she's not out of my league, bro.

Look, Danny, if you want some advice from...

Wait. Hold on. Are... are...

you really think that you can give me advice? Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sorry.

I totally messed up the emphasis on that sentence.

Let me try it again.

You think that you can give me advice?

I'm obviously crushing it in my own relationship.

Nicki and I even hooked up this morning.

I got your text.

Brett, is that jacket

so people from outer space can tell you're gay?

Hey, does the jacket possibly come with figure skates

and a boyfriend? Ohhhh!

All right, guys, let's just give him a break, okay?

It's... it's cool, man.

They're just taking the piss out of me.

We all do it to each other.

Well, yeah, no, go ahead.

If you guys want to go ahead and make gay jokes, go ahead.

Look, I get it. You've always been a little bit uptight,

and I only came out a couple months ago,

so you just... it's gonna take you awhile

to get used to me as a gay man.

I've known you as a gay man since college.

Freshman year, you went to Halloween as Britney Spears.

And then in sophomore year. "Oops, I did it again."

I'm... I'm just saying, before I came out,

you always used to give me crap, and now you're just...

you're so careful.

I'm not acting any differently.

Prove it. Make fun of me. Give me a nickname.

I'm gay and I'm British. It should be easy.

I can't just come up with a nickname on the spot like that.

Fairy Potter.

Written by Gay Gay rowling.

See? That's friendship.

Are we done?

No. No, no.

Daniel Gay Lewis.

Austin Powerbottom.

Alfred Hitchcock... that's just his name, but that's good.

Hey, what in God's name is this?

That's "Nicki-bear."

Nicki left it so I could sleep with it in my bed.

Good night, Danny. Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Look, before you go make sweet love to that bear...

I'm not gonna make love to it, okay?

I'll probably spoon... I'm not gonna do anything to the bear.

This is about Sabrina. I just...

have you ever met a girl

that you just think is like so amazing,

but you just feel like you can never have her?

Dude, I've felt that way all the time.

- You just need... - Me neither.

Hey, Justin.

Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, man. You know, it's so adorable

that you thought you could teach me about women.

Hey, you know what? Could you teach me how to walk, too?

Get off!

Hey, Shelly, you need help being black?

Sometimes.

It's complicated.

I told you not to hook up with my friends!

Geez! All right, I'm sorry.

Hey, look, it's not my fault anyway, okay? She called me.

By the way, I didn't even know

that coffee places were open at midnight.

Are those so weirdos can have a place to go to

when they can't sleep? - Yes.

I also enjoy the laundromat.

Wait a minute. You guys didn't get together till midnight?

What time did Sabrina call you?

I don't know. Like 10:00.

And you just dropped whatever you were doing?

I mean, I brushed my teeth first.

Dude, that is so clutch!

You got to get clean to get dirty!

Huh.

You know what else is weird is,

I got up this morning, and Sabrina was already gone.

She had to leave early 'cause she had to go see her sister.

She doesn't have a sister.

Okay, well, whatever. I mean, maybe she was talking

about her black friend. Whatever. I...

I'm gonna see Sabrina again, okay?

- I even texted her. - Really? What did she say?

We're gonna hang out soon, when her... her life calms down.

What?

I taught her that line.

I'm gonna let Les say this,

because it's gonna give her so much more joy.

Les?

You got Danny'd.

Hello, Nicki-bear.

Ahh!

Mmm! You smell good today.

What is that smell? Ahh!

That's reciprocated love.