CarousHELL

I hate this place.

I get it, people come here to be happy.

and it's my job to help them be happy,

but I'm never happy here.

I have to have this fake expression on

all the time here in this park,

even if I don't wanna look happy.

None of my co-workers talk to me.

Sure, once in awhile it's nice to see the kids smile,

but usually they're just annoying little shits

that don't give a damn how they treat me.

Every single day, every single minute,

I'm working so hard for them.

Just once I'd like to make myself happy but no,

I have to keep letting little brats climb on my back,

and then go in a circle forever.

I'm Duke, the prettiest goddamn unicorn in the world.

Laurie, Laurie, are you even listening to me?

No.

You kids and your phones these days.

Don't you ever put that thing down?

Mom, do you even know how many followers I have?

If I don't update what I'm doing like every like 15 minutes,

I won't be trending anymore.

What would happen then?

I'll be slightly less popular.

Uh, God, Lunchbox, could you be anymore disgusting?

Stop calling me that.

You two be nice.

You're gonna have to spend the day together.

What?

You never said that.

That's what Mom has been talking about

for literally the past 30 minutes.

But, Mom, I have-

No buts before I kick yours, missy.

Mom.

I have a staff meeting at work,

and then I have to work late.

But Mom, I have this like tots sweet party

to go to tonight.

Can't you just call a babysitter?

I'm not a baby.

Shut up, Lunchbox.

Tips have not been great at work lately.

I've been having a few stingy customers.

Look, all I'm asking for you to do

is watch your brother for one day.

That's all.

Mom, what am I supposed to do with him all day?

Doesn't your boyfriend work at the amusement park?

Well, okay, that'll work until like,

I don't know, like seven but then what?

I don't know, Laurie.

Spend time with your brother

for once.

You know I let you do whatever you want.

Just do this one thing for me.

But, Mom.

Laurie, please.

Okay.

Now I gotta go.

There's some dumb new rules

about lap dancers and off-site safety.

What kind of safety do you need at bachelor parties?

Blood born pathogens or some dumb stuff like that.

Pussy One's gotten so corporate

since the buyout.

Love you, honey.

Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Larry. - Jeez, Mom.

Stop wearing that around the house.

Okay, Lunchbox, we're going out.

But I'm not done eating.

I don't care.

Look, I have to watch your stupid ass today,

so we're going to the Tarnation Corral.

Awesome.

Then I'm going to this party tonight,

and you have to tag along.

What? No way, I hate your friends.

There all assholes.

Look, I'm not missing out on this party, okay?

And I'm taking you to the park.

Fine, but you have to give me

a new piece for my lunchbox collection.

Okay, I'll get you another stupid lunchbox.

With matching Thermos.

It's not worth anything on the resale market

without a Thermos.

Yes, yes, and a damn Thermos, too.

Now go get ready.

Yeah.

Only this gay one left.

Lame, unicorn's are sissies.

Goddamn it, Lunchbox,

will you just ride the stupid thing already?

That's why we're here.

How do I express how much I hate my brother

in only a 140 characters?

I hate my life.

Howdy, partner.

Eat a dick.

Oh, I can't do, I can't do, oh-ho.

Oh, well.

Hey, Laurie, babe.

Hey, you know I love you in this uniform?

Hey, I only got 15 minutes, so.

That's plenty of time.

But seriously, babe.

I could get in a lot of trouble for using-

- Just get in the car. - Okay.

Why am I even alive?

None of these other horses can talk.

Am I the only one?

Am I alone?

I can't handle this anymore.

I've been here for a year dealing with this shit.

Today, I'm living for me.

All of you losers can stay here

and be abused by kids.

I'm movin' on.

Well, Duke,

shouldn't you be on that, ah, carousel?

Not anymore, Jock-O, I'm a free man now.

Well, free unicorn.

Didn't you see how I was treated?

Yeah, man.

But fuck, you're just a ride.

It doesn't matter.

Just a ride?

You're not real or anything this time.

Just a ride?

Yeah, man.

Let me take a ride on you now.

How about a ride to hell?

That felt right.

This is what I'm supposed to do.

I'm going to kill that fat fuck.

Guys, I'm right here.

Shut up, Lunchbox.

My knees are- - My name is Larry.

Shut up, dude, I'm trying to bang your sister.

I hate you guys.

Okay, babe, I gotta, I gotta get back.

Oh, you're coming to the party tonight, right?

Yeah, I got three hours left on my shift and then I'm out.

Okay.

See ya, lover.

Totally gonna cheep about that session.

Are you ever not on Chirper?

Shut up, Lunchbox.

You shut up, you idiot.

There he is.

I'm going to get that brat.

Ah, who the hell put this here?

God, Chickenfeed, this is Blue Sno-cone, come in.

Some people have a strange sense of entertainment.

Now you can be in charge of security in hell.

Oh, no, not Jock-O.

I'm afraid you twisted your last balloon animal, old friend.

What in Tarnation?

Oh, Duke's missing.

He finally woke up.

Oh, oh, no.

I hoped this day would never come.

Oh, I suppose it's time to hunt down

a beautiful, Nazi, mustang.

Mm.

When I was given this case,

I was told that the enchantment on the weapon within it

would counteract what caged Duke within that unicorn.

I hope that's not temporary.

I need to kill him.

Giddy up.

Okay, we're going to the party.

Ah, this is gonna suck.

Can't I just go home?

No, I can't leave you home alone.

Mom's at work and you know Dad's out of town on business.

You've been saying he's out of town for eight years.

It's very important business.

He said he'd come back.

You were right, Clark.

This is so romantic.

I told you.

There's nobody here.

It's just you, me, and the great outdoors.

It's so beautiful.

Almost as beautiful as you.

Cheeseball.

Diana, there's somethin' I wanna ask you.

Yes, Clark?

Is that a carousel horse over there?

You got me a carousel horse?

That is the best surprise you've ever given me.

Oh, my gosh, how didn't I notice that?

We walked right by there.

Is Bruce is on this?

Ah, yeah.