It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

All right.

Uh, let's get started.

What do you guys want to know?

The circumstances surrounding the death of

the woman born Maureen Ponderosa

captivated South Philadelphia.

She was discovered in an alley with a broken neck.

In 2013, Maureen had begun

her transition to a cat.

And in her cat form, she went by the name Bastet

to honor the Egyptian god of cats.

The story quickly became fodder for local media.

So much for having nine lives.

This cat did not land on her feet.

She landed on her neck.

Authorities soon focused

on the suspicious nature of her death.

My name is Lance Girard.

I've been with the Philadelphia Police Department for 24 years,

12 of which were with the Homicide division.

I've seen a lot of things.

A man wants to turn himself into a woman?

Okay. Who am I to judge?

But, really, a cat?

What's next? A watermelon?

First thing we wanted to establish is

to whether the deceased was acting strange.

Not like "I'm turning myself into a cat" strange.

More like suicide strange.

We learned that she was excited about an upcoming surgery,

a, uh, reverse nipplectomy.

That's where they add more nipples.

I guess...

I don't know... she wanted more nipples.

The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch.

Now, apparently, the ex-husband was on the hook

for this surgery due to an alimony arrangement.

He wasn't happy about it.

That's when he became our primary suspect.

Was I irritated by this?

Yeah, of course I was.

I mean, it was the most expensive procedure yet.

You know, but I-I remained supportive

and, uh, kept my cool.

And I never threatened her in any way.

Now, due to the nature of this call,

we decided to bring him in for questioning.

And he cooperated.

Said he wanted to clear his name.

He answered every question.

Even offered DNA samples.

Although he did request to draw his own blood,

which is kind of strange.

Mr. Reynolds was forthright.

Charming, quite frankly.

It wasn't until I reviewed

the interrogation footage later that I saw it.

Something very unsettling.

24 years on the job,

I'd never seen anything like it.

Two hours.

Never moved.

Never blinked.

Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

He had all the right answers,

but my gut told me this guy was guilty.

Of something.

Did I kill Maureen? No.

Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

Maureen's family was convinced of Dennis's guilt.

Maureen?

Maureen died three years ago.

Dennis killed Bastet, all right?

And let me tell you something. He did us all a favor.

You ever seen a grown woman take a dump in a sandbox?

Despite conjecture, the question still remained:

Was there anything in Dennis Reynolds' past

that would suggest him capable of murder?

Testing. Testing.

Syphilis. Syphilis.

That's... Well, yeah...

Well, he kind of...

snapped the neck, uh, off a crow one time a little bit.

But that... but that's not

not normal right, you know?

I mean, it was just like boys

being boys. Yeah. That...

Look, we had a totally normal childhood, and...

Look, Dennis wouldn't hurt a fly. No way.

Whatever Deandra says is BS.

She's probably just covering for him

because she's afraid he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.

He didn't just snap it.

He broke the thing's head clean off.

It was gruesome.

I still have nightmares about it.

And I'm old.

She told you what?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Look... that crow was injured,

and I was simply putting it out of its misery,

while, yes, testing the tensile strength of a crow's neck.

Well, yes, there was another crow,

but that's because I simply couldn't believe

that a crow's neck could be that weak.

Well, yes, there was a third crow,

and a fourth, if you must know, but who likes crows?

Look, if you can kill a crow, you can kill a cat.

Cat, cat, cat...

That's why I started recording all our conversations.

I suspected Frank was probably recording

all of our conversations, because of course he would.

But let me tell you something,

he was no fan of Maureen's, either.

He was just trying to deflect attention,

which is why I started recording

all of our conversations as well.

I could have worn a goddamn IMAX camera around my neck

and he wouldn't have noticed.

The old bitch.

And I caught him saying some pretty troubling stuff.

What are we watching here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cats, cats.

Is that me?

Cats. I'll tell you what to do with cats.

Who shot this thing? Dennis?

Here's what you do with cats.

Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam, we found a cat,

we tossed it right in the soup.

Those hungry bastards ate cat soup every day.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Some little kid choke on a hairball and die.

So then you toss him in the soup.

I was making money hand over foot, literally.

Somebody lost a hand or a foot, I'd toss it in the soup.

Well, that's all a lie.

Uh, there was no soup.

Nope.

There's no sweatshop.

Excuse me. I got to go to the can.

Investigators wanted to verify the timeline

Dennis provided to authorities.

Like I told the police, uh,

Mac and I were watching a movie back at the apartment,

and then I went to the bar.

That's true. We were watching Operation Dumbo Drop.

We were doing this amazing thing that I came up with,

where we watch an old movie,

and then I turn the volume down really low

and we make wiseacre remarks the entire time.

Yeah, he didn't come up with it.

It's just Mystery Science Theater 3000.

- It's a spin on that. - It's exactly that.

- Well, there's no robots. - So it's worse.

Oh, come on, Dennis. It's funny.

It-It's not funny. It's not funny at all,

because you can never think of jokes on the fly.

H-He, like, pauses the movie

to try and think of something funny to say,

and then he never can think of anything funny,

so he ends up just saying a line from Borat or Austin Powers.